Falling down? You know I think I know of it (it’s the one about going postal right?) but I actually never ended up watching it. Which is kinda funny, cause I had it lined up with Taxi Driver but pulled one and not the other (I had Taxi Driver first and it was like game over by the end).

I don’t really understand corporate rituals. I don’t know if I ever understood them. I know they are the way they are to do business globally. But I think it’s way better to do like you’re saying and just feel comfortable working. Because that’s what drives others further. But eh, it is what it is. I’m glad you got there! Thanks by the by =)! For that bit at the top, it was sweet!

My burnout is a bit more complicated. The elements you described are involved but there’s also an element of being trapped or out of control.

I don’t use the term anymore cause I heard it was some jam to separate the “feasibly usable” autist from the “useless” ones. I mean, I read about it a couple years back so that’s a summary - but here’s the article if you’re interested. But like, yeah it’s a spectrum and yeah there’s still “tiers” but every one of us has their own strengths/weaknesses and wants/needs and it sucks to think about there being “good autistic” people and “bad.” And I am catching a touch of the itis after lunch but I think that it’s the same thing eugenicist proposed. If I remember correctly it was something akin to there being two types of people those of higher intelligence and will who are destined to forge society and promote growth and degenerates who are feeble-minded and cannot care for themselves so thus should be sterilized and quartered away for the greater good of man. That was one terrible run on sentence, but here’s the wiki if you’re interested.

Feel thisss! Yess! There’s a huge overlap between the two by the by! AuDHD. I think they said 1/5 ADHD individuals are also Autistic. I’m just lucky I found someone who understands me, and vice versa. Yeah on the gender stuff a lot of women were thought to not be able to be autistic or ADHD. I am not sure when that changed but I really don’t think it’s been that long. But I think I read something like it teaches women to cope in different ways that basically allow them to “super mask” but ultiamtely masking is unhealthy. So, eh! I have a mixture of both. I forgot what it’s called (maybe just mixed). But I always thought mind was explicitly inattentive, but later found out I was diagnosed with both.

Oh, one more thing before I go. I heard that gender and queerness can be (but not always) aligned with autism. I can’t give you the scoop on that one cause I am about to hit the hay. But I think it comes down to being less adherent to gender roles/norms. Fist-bump =)~!

Hahaha, you cracked me up! Hahaha! I legit typically see only Asians taking the time to select the light-skinned emojis. So I thought maybe “hey brother!” Hahaha! Hey either way, hahahaha~! Hahahaha. I am still laughing. Hahaha!

Trusting yourself is such a big one in a world that keeps telling you you’re wrong one away or another.

I feel that. I actually talked about it up there. We just see things differently than most people, so we pick up on a lot of details that would otherwise go unnoticed. I will say it’s a double-edged sword (why is that light bulb humming?), but it’s still been a blessing in my own life. So I’m not knocking it =)!

I bet you know too, who’s your actual ally and who’s just going through the motions through that as well.

Yo, you’re a really cool person. Sorry it didn’t work out with your wife. Idk what led to what, but I am thankful every damn day that my partner and I have pretty-identical disorders. Because I’ve been with a lot of people, but I don’t think any of them ever quite got me like she does. Or vice versa, I think there’s a lot of stuff we do left of center that neither of us give a hoot about but would be considered “weird” or “annoying” in other situations. I mean, I got alright. But it really does feel different to be understood and not just accepted I guess…is what I mean =P!

I used to call myself nature’s birth-control. Because while all the little girls around my age growing up were naming their children and planning their marriages (like at six, legitimately) I was sitting around with the boys and drawing obsessively. I love my pets like they’re kids, but I also understand they’re still pets at the end of the day (I say this because I think a lot of people are more prone to the plight of animals than people - and I know it sounds anthropocentric but people will spend tons on carting animals around the states for adoption but won’t bat an eye that there’s tons of humans starving all over the world. Don’t dig factory farming though!) << aside!! But I don’t believe I have ever had the urge to have children in my life. And I am rounding the end of my ovulation-cycle (I guess it’s called? Idk. I am just pulling that out my ass) so I don’t think it’s gunna hit but who knows? Either way, I think a lot of women (like my mother) followed traditionalist logic. But I don’t think she ever was particularly driven to have children (I think the autism comes from her tbh), nor was particularly enthralled after having them. I mean, I was okay, but I think my other sibling pushed her over the edge to be honest. She for sure changed after they were born, but equally as I became less of what she expected and more of who I actually am she clearly felt a strong distaste for my being =P!

We’re okay now, but I think because we’ve reached a mutual space of love and respect. But for sure, I am still convinced my mother never wanted to be a parent. And for sure I believe this is actually more common than people want to admit. But I used to think it was a gay thing, but I’ve met a ton of gays who want babies. So idk, seems to be more of a personal thing.

I think it’s super cool that you support women’s rights though. Let alone people’s rights. I was watching The Cut (I think it is? Nope it was Vice) or something like that once upon a time on Youtube. There was a guy on there who was a former Marine, who talked about how he was really angry. Just so angry all the time. But then ended up having two daughters, and in his love for them and his wife he found a way to become more empathetic and it really touched me. I know people kept making fun of people “not realizing women are humans until they had a daughter” but I think it speaks levels to how toxically men are raised. I mean it literally seemed that up until now (where it’s 50/50 on what side you get) all roads led to you being “gay” and being “gay” was the worst thing you could be if you were a guy. And it stopped people from being able to enjoy the things they liked, or express themselves in ways other than being funny/angry/silent. And that’s pretty fucked up.

Not saying women have it better, but that in general it’s pretty crazy how we’ve let extremist really run our society ragged. And as a little aside, on the c-section thing, a loved one lost their sister recently due to a botched c-section. She complained in the hospital that she felt unwell, but nobody listened until it was too late. And in my own health journey (which has been incredibly tumultuous until I finally started getting heard only recently) I know the medical system tends to operate off of high-speculation (esp. with women). And lord knows it’s racist as hell too =P! I just uhh, cringe when I think about it all.

Either way - cheers and you keep being you =)! Even if you and your kids don’t exactly fit into one another’s worlds right now. Maybe in the future at least one of your kids will find a really sweet way to connect with you and you’ll end up falling in love (all over again?) and it’ll be super great =)!

Ah for sure we’re not in the same country, cause my ass is as American as a sloppy grilled cheese sandwich and a crusty can of tomato soup =P! No worries by the by, I think (cause I’ve done it a couple of times) - you just kinda like…click the person’s name and there’s an option somewhere past that. But I am on desktop and I couldn’t even begin to tell you on mobile.

I am so super glad you ran into that therapist. Look, I will shout it from the rooftops that I literally love the crap-crackers outta my therapist. They are a wonderful human being, and they just are so real and so present. Like just so freakin’ cool! It’s always a blessing when you find those people who are just there. Themselves. Real af. Dope! And they vibe with you. I have a teacher I’ve stayed in touch with hundreds of years later, because I think they really made a difference in my life and they are just such a wonderful organic human being. And when I think of stand-up people, they’re at the top of my list. BLAM!

It was kinda shady how he did you, but it sounds like he gave you everything you needed. I’m taking some time off right now. I’ve got a loving supportive partner, and originally I was lined up for a couple of surgeries. But my amaze-a-balls doctor told me about a radical new treatment I could give a go, so instead I am just getting a chance to rest. Which is crazy, because I don’t know if I’ve ever rested in all my days @_@! And it is still weird, but while I am in pain (and yeah, unfortunately I am still in pain) it’s not as much as it was. And I have way more mobility than before and can do way more than I could for a while there. But I am pretty blessed that my partner and I are pretty low-needs and we can make it on one income as long as we’re smart about it.

I was making food yesterday after writing to you, and I did get hit with a case of the sads. Because I thought about it, and when I said I really didn’t think my life would play out like this I really did mean it. And I have been practicing radical acceptance, because I think such things are necessary in situations like this. But I am also really sad because I know I’ve got a lot to give to the world and have lived quite the adventure for someone like myself. But I also figure that organically things tend to slow down the older you get. And to live in the past is to live like a fool. Ultimately dream aspirations are to move back to a super-dense city with my partner, work for some kind of non-profit (but not one full of bullshitters…which can be hard to find), and to be well enough to hold my own. But I am not sure these things will be obtainable the way I see them, and I have also sort of had to come to terms with that as well. Now, I’ve just gotta fudge my way through, cause it’s all I’ve got.

Idk if I we’ll “meet” again (cause it’s a small community but people come and go as they please) but I really hope your life only gets better from here on out. That no matter where you go, you keep getting all the support and assistance you need and keep being the sassy (and probably funny) advocate you are. Cause the more of us that are open about our real life issues and our day-to-day struggles the more people will realize we’re just humans - out here, trying to live - just going through it is all.

Big hugs (sis? Getting strong sis vibes. I wanna sis you =P!) and keep being you =)