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I should not have smoked weed yesterday. The the horrible truth of my situation came crashing down: it’s weird for me to live here in the trailer park, not working, living on the fricking porch and hanging out here all day.
I’m stuck. My anxiety is high and I don’t want to go anywhere most of the time. I can hear people’s thoughts sometimes, or so it seems. I can’t drive, and the only other option is walking, or riding a bike which is in disrepair and in storage.
There is no other place for me. Rent’s too high everywhere. I spent so long being a hermit and now I just don’t want to deal with this. I feel like an alien no matter where I am, but it’s even worse here.
F landlords. They can upend your life at snap of their money-grubbing fingers and not give a sht whatsoever.
I can’t help with the weed. It didnt do anything for me. But I CAN relate to it with drinking. I regret it every time.
I thought it would be okay since I was doing relatively well. Classic rationalization :p At least I’m doing better now. Did some yard work and chatted with a neighbor a bit, which made me feel normal-ish. I just need to stay away from weed until a distant future time when I’m alone. Thankfully I still don’t want to drink.
Thanks for replying~
Ehh, better than last week.
Final appt coming up in two weeks with my therapist of 3ish years. Still nervous about potential waiting lists.
Got soft diagnosed with BPD today. Explains a lot of my ups and downs on a short term basis.
That’s interesting. I talked about that with my therapist a few months ago. A lot of it makes sense for me I think, but she feels the bipolar is still better. The instant rage swings are awful.
There’s also something called intermittent explosive disorder (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intermittent_explosive_disorder) that causes fits of rage. Before I quit booze I was having something similar very frequently. It was like my brain was being hijacked. I wouldn’t be surprised if in addition to bp2 I had that, or bpd…
Ohhhhh that fits… 🧐
