So, I’ve never posted on one of these type forums before. But I just needed to tell someone, because I don’t feel like I have any IRL I can tell.
I haven’t dated much. In my 30s, gay, and I’ve had a couple boyfriends, lots of sex/random hookups, but never really delved deep into dating. I’ve always used my lifestyle as an excuse, I don’t have a lot of free time for potentially identifying reasons (don’t want this linked to my main account). But the reality is a lot simpler. I’m ugly. I don’t have a great face, and even if I did, I’m fat, I’ve been balding since 17, and my teeth are jacked up. Despite brushing my teeth 3 times a day, I have bad cavities, and a few years ago I had to have a front tooth extracted.
But a couple weeks ago I met a boy. It was great. A hook up turned into a date, turned into days of texting, him asking to be exclusive, turned into a second date, and some of the best, most passionate sex I’ve ever had. Then the next day he got distant, and the day after that told me he needed space, didn’t want to talk anymore.
He said that this “every day thing” was too much, and he couldn’t deal with the “cutesy shit.” He was the one that initiated all of that. I don’t have a lot of self confidence, and it’s hard for me to be cutesy or affectionate, or put myself out there. Most of the time I just want to melt into the scenery, be as unnoticed as possible… Not easy when you’re well over 6 foot, nearly 300 pounds and a tenor.
I think this was it for me, y’all. I can’t take this again. I feel so humiliated and embarrassed. I told my friends about him, and now I don’t even want to ever speak to them again, because I am so incredibly embarrassed. They’re going to ask about him, and I’m going to tell them that it didn’t work. And they won’t say it, but they’ll know why. Because who the fuck could handle this? I just want to curl up into a ball and stop existing. I’m not actually suicidal, and I don’t need help on that. But I think I’m done with ever trying to have a relationship. I can’t do it. I can’t handle being cutesy with a guy again. The idea of letting anyone else see that side of me fills me with dread at this point. It’s like he found every insecurity I had and hit each and every one of them without ever mentioning them directly.
And the worst part is, I can’t even really be angry at him. He’s younger than me, he deserves better than I could have offered. He has every right to not want to talk to me, I’m not some incel that thinks I’m owed love or sex. But dammit, it fucking hurt and I don’t know how to move past this. I’ve had a few boyfriends before, but I’ve never cried over one. I’ve never felt so connected to a person so quickly. It wasn’t like we were even really together, but I had very high hopes. Really, for the first time. I didn’t know I could feel like that, especially so quickly.
I don’t even know what I’m hoping to get out of posting this. I just needed to write it out, I guess
Now you know what you want; what you’re missing. So give it some time and go looking.
Get a road bicycle. You’re anonymous on a bike with a helmet and glasses. It only takes 2 months to get past the hardest part. After 6 months, it is a lifestyle that will become harder to stop than it is to keep with it. You won’t lose weight from exercising, but it will give you structure and balance that will cause you to make better choices with time.
There’s always someone out there in a similar situation as yourself. At least you’re in a position to be able to find them eventually.
Now that you’re single, it’s a good time to work on your self confidence. Part of it could be working thru your personal issues, and learning to love yourself. I say that because people who stop hating themselves, and have self confidence truly shine, and people notice it, even through outward appearances. People will be naturally be drawn to you for that.
I’m not saying that will bring you a lasting romantic relationship. That’s never guaranteed. But learning to truly be happy with yourself as a person is a huge life accomplishment in and of itself, and you can live a very meaningful life, with or without a partner.
I agree with the person who mention cycling. Routine exercise is generally helpful for a lot of things. Having several hobbies would be great too. People underestimate how important the connection between the body and mind is. Having a body that feels good feeds into having a mind that feels good.
Best of luck to you. You seem like a reasonable, and smart person. You’ll eventually figure things out and make good improvements for yourself.
… it hurt and I don’t know how to move past this.
Losing someone is supposed to hurt. If it didn’t, then you wouldn’t have been as serious about it as you thought. It doesn’t matter how long you knew him, it was real for you, and it sucks that he played you like that.
But do you think he deserves to take your happiness with him? I don’t.
I’m ugly / fat / balding / have bad teeth
So, there’s some of your insecurities. I don’t want to belittle you or your situation, but everyone has insecurities. And I’ll tell you, the ugliest people I know have great teeth and perfect hair.
But guess what? There are fat, ugly, bald people out there right now that are being loved by someone. Being showered in love that they don’t feel like they deserve, because they look in the mirror and see some teeth, or some flab, or a bald spot.
But one day, someone will see YOU. Not your insecurities. They’ll see the way your eyes light up when you look back at them, and he won’t want to look anywhere else. He’ll notice how your nose crinkles when you laugh uncontrollably, and he’ll want to make you laugh every goddamn day so that he gets to see it. And you’ll wonder how someone so amazing could possibly love you, with all your insecurities. And he could very well be thinking the exact same thing.
Anyway, it sounds like you know what you’re looking for. Don’t let some asshole ruin it for you.
I’m sorry to hear this, it sounds very disappointing to meet someone and get your hopes up and then abruptly get them crushed.
Do you see a therapist? I always thought I didn’t need therapy until a particular issue pushed me to try it, and I think pretty much anyone could benefit from it.
When it’s just yourself thinking about an issue it’s easy to develop distorted thinking. You’re only seeing the situation from one angle. Having an uninvolved professional third party to help see other angles is valuable. I think of it as a consultant, like a lawyer or an accountant.
I mention this because your self talk about your image and whether someone could be attracted to you strikes me as distorted.
As a more mundane aside, I have terrible teeth, can’t tell you how many cavities and a couple root canals as well as a dental implant. Something that seemed to help for me (in addition to flossing and using an electric toothbrush) is rinsing/gargling with the purple fluoride listerine every night.
It will get better. Don’t run away from the pain, feel it. Don’t give yourself a deadline, just allow yourself to feel shitty, and change will come on its own, even if it takes years.
I have been in many relationships with people that are ugly according to conventional beauty standards, and for me the deciding factor about attractiveness was not the genetics, but how people treat their body and how they feel for it.
Fat people often can’t get slim from sport, but man, cuddling a fat body that is strong and healthy and loved by its owner is so much more attractive. Just do whatever sport is fun for you, boxing, cycling, swimming, whatever. Have fun and break into sweats and eat well, get those proteins, build those muscles.
I promise it gets better and you can absolutely feel like a completely new person, not just because of the sport, but because of how your psyche develops on its own if you don’t run away from the pain.
At least you got something and you’re not dying virgin.
