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- cross-posted to:
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Pro-tip: Asking permission to interrupt to say your bit goes down much much better than just interjecting
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I stopped trying. People don’t want to hear anything I have to say, anyway. It’s probably better this way.
Ah don’t think like that, mate. At worse you need some new friends but I guarantee there’s people out there that match your weird
I see this advice often, and in most cases it’s true. But most people with these issues are young and have lots of time to turn things around. I’m 40 and had my chances and blew all of them.
I immigrated for the second time in my late 30s and lost all my friend circle all over again and then found new ones. There’s a lot of people in the world so no reason to stop looking.
Always time to change, even if you only get a few years to enjoy it. I respect the dejectedness though.
Dude I’m almost 42 and have had this mentality for most of my life, but am still making new friends. Defeatism is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Don’t mistake that for it being correct initially.
I feel this deep in my bones. I used to feel like this all the time.
What worked for me is that most of the people who make me feel this way, I realized, are not people I care about. So I just stopped giving any shits about them or telling them anything.
I dunno if that’s a great way to handle it, but it’s how I get by.
Yeah, it’s difficult when all your friends and family are people that you don’t want to talk to.
Yeah. I also stopped associating with folks who don’t make me feel good.
Obviously every relationship, including friendships, will have their fair share of difficulties, so there’s kind of an allowance for how much BS I’m willing to take before I call it quits on continuing to associate with someone.
There are no extra allowances in my policy for family.
After adopting this policy, I lost a lot of friends; most of whom I was happy to see go. The friends that remained are few, but they’re people I can count on.
My criteria, in my mind, is very generous… I’ll outline a few things quickly, but the process is far more involved, so keep that in mind. The primary rule is that we’re friends first. None of this “you only call me when you need me to do something for you” shit. Which isn’t to say I don’t help my friends, it’s just that, if we never hang out with no expectations of “help me with this thing” then I start to feel like the guy you call when you need free labor. That’s a big one. The remainder of the rules get a bit more nuanced, like my friends need to be able to take a joke, I don’t want to walk on eggshells around people who are supposedly my friends. Their humor must be compatible with my humor, I don’t want to feel like I’m holding back on witty banter because I know it will be taken wrong. There has to be a balance in terms of financials, I don’t care how much you make, but I’m nobody’s free ride, sugar daddy, or whatever. Freeloaders are cut loose. Either we split the bill or we take turns. If it’s never your turn, then I’m not going to continue to waste my time paying for you to eat and drink…
A lot of stuff that’s centralized around, be my friend, I’m not your zero cost employee, provider, nor therapist…
I feel that’s fair. But I can say with confidence that a lot of people fail to meet those requirements. Family included.
I also don’t put up with bullying or discriminatory bullshit. Be a racist/sexist/homophobic somewhere else. I don’t want anything to do with you.
I feel called out.
I remember internalizing stuff I wanted to say and thinking “I might as well not say anything ever” and “I don’t know why I’m participating in this conversation when I can’t say anything”
It’s depressing every time it happens.
Yeah. And everyone acts butthurt when I just walk out of the conversation and go to people that are willing to engage in dialogue. Or to get something to eat or worthwhile to do. It gets worse when I state the reason.
Neuraltypicals tend not to have any experience with other styles and react against them strongly.
I’ve made it pretty normal for me to simply leave. Pretty much all of my friends and associates know that I don’t really say goodbye, I just leave.
Whether that applies to a group conversation or an event. My logic is simple, people who announce they’re leaving, IMO, are looking for a reason to stay half the time. Everyone coos over it, like awww don’t go, blah blah, fake placating talk about how much they like having you there even though they haven’t said more than ten words to you the whole time…
Fuck that noise. I want to leave, so I leave. I always make a point to tell at least one person that I’m going so that if anyone asks, they can say I left, simply for informational reasons.
I haven’t thought about it like that before. When I told my ex I want to leave a party she would say “we’re leaving” and keep talking for 20 minutes. I’m like “wtf? We said we’re leaving, why aren’t we leaving”. She used to say “slowly leaving”. And it always frustrated me. As there is no slowly leaving. There’s leaving and there’s not leaving.
My wife has ADHD and some wicked rejection dysphoria. I feel bad interrupting because sometimes it makes her feel really badly, but I swear she could talk for an hour without pausing for breath.
I definitely do the same thing when I’m talking about something I’m passionate about though, so like… live and let live.
My wife and I both have this due to unmedicated ADHD. It sucks in arguments when nobody gets to finish but it’s kind of awesome for regular conversation, I don’t think we would have found each other’s company this pleasant if we didn’t have it tbh
You need to gesture like you want to talk, it’s kind of a lean and eye contact thing, open mouth as well.
The only way I can picture this: Face the talker, lean forward at the hip joint as far as balance allows, rotate both arms like V-22 Osprey propellers, mouth wide open without making a sound.
Basically that image, but dial it back 1000%
Lemonface.jpg
How can I do that in a phone call?
That’s the best part, you don’t!
It helps me a lot to look at myself in a mirror when making a phonecall
It’s not something the Jedi would tell you.
A long uhhhhhmmmm until they stop talking
Wait, this is a thing people do when they want to say something? Shit, I need to reevaluate some things. Socializing is hard.
Me when I indicate I want to talk, but they have already changed topic.
But asking permission to interrupt feels like interrupting
It’s okay, we give you permission.
…
And if you wait for a pause to interject, you’ll also not be paying attention to anything else they say because you’re focused on what you have to say.
In general we all need to slow down when speaking and give lots more room for others to speak.
My family is all various flavors of neurospicy, and we’ve kind of organically developed nonverbal signals for “A thing I want to say has occurred to me; please continue, but I call the next pause.”
It’s awesome because it allows the current speaker to complete the thought without it getting derailed, and the whole group can still participate in some back-and-forth on the current thread with the understanding that we should be reaching for a conclusion so space can be made for the next speaker to insert their thought without forcing them to step on others to make that happen.
It does a really good job of keeping our conversations from reaching the level where you’re blurting things out because you feel that you aren’t guaranteed an organic space to get it out. Everyone can keep from interrupting or being interrupted by requesting the talking stick from the current speaker without implying that they’re taking up all the air.
Edit: Oh, right… The signal… An outstreched finger placed on the table like you’re pointing at a map. Gentle tap to remind. Add fingers for follow-ups :P
My wife and I are also neurodiverse and this is EXACTLY what we needed based on recent conversations.
I love it!
In my family I raise my hand while the louder ones finish their soliloquis, and then they pass the floor to me, then I start making my point, get interrupted, lose my train of thought, and they contradict themselves and get upset when I point it out.
Learning how to let a thought whose moment has passed go gracefully is also a skill. I understand we have extenuating circumstances that make doing so more complicated for us, but that unfortunately that does not absolve us the hard work in learning to be a respectful conversationalist as well.
I don’t think this is an exclusively autistic feeling. I feel it often.
Unless…
Everytime I see these posts I experience this. Can somebody who definitely is not autistic please confirm that this doesn’t occur in their life?
That’s the problem with neurodivergent disorders. There’s not a single behaviour or symptom that is exclusive to them.
It’s like peeing. Everyone does it, but if you do it 50 times a day see a doctor.
But what’s the normal amount? At what point does it become evidence of neurodiversity?
That’s why you see the doctor.
I sometimes want to hit my head on the desk (when it is over zoom with no camera) while trying to hold myself back.
Relevant across the spectra from what I’ve heard, but I don’t doubt the anxiety and emotional investment is more fierce in our cases.
that was a huge therapy thing for me and i still am the interrupting sheep. the therapist tried to get me to understand that it was ok not to say what i thought was so important to say
Me fr :3
You got to match their intensity and keep the conversation going back and forth before the other party settles into a lecture mode. Being correctly medicated helps. It takes practice but you need to steadily generate a very short “Yeah! And did you hear…” to keep the conversation interactive.
Me in group therapy where the remote people can’t see body language. And also monologue. And also ignore the counselor.
