Recently diagnosed and in my 30s. I’ve always felt like everybody else have received a user manual that I’ve never gotten. A user manual on how to be human and how to interact with other humans. It’s especially interacting with people that trigger my anxiety. I explained this to my psychologist. Her initial response was that I didn’t seem like I had any issues interacting with her, so either that wasn’t true or I’m just really good at pretending. Now I’m sitting here, going over what she said, second guessing myself, and I just don’t know. This was relatively early on in my session, so I think she understood my anxiety later on. She definitely opened my eyes regarding being more aware of my own needs.
I don’t know. Now I just have this nagging feeling of maybe I’m faking my anxiety in regards to socializing.
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Telling someone “you learned to mask really well, so the problem being hidden by it obviously doesn’t actually exist” is such a weird thing for a therapist to say.
More importantly, if you’re genuinely worried that you’re faking something… You’re not faking it.
This. It’s not a great thing to say. I’m not sure what they were trying to say but how it is coming across is borderline inappropriate imo.
That being said I am on my third different pysch. My problems and concerns haven’t changed but the first two either didn’t take it seriously or focused solely on my anxiety which was making me anxious in my appointments because I felt trapped and unheard. I actually have decent comping mechanisms, but he “has been diagnosing and treating anxiety for 20 years so he knows what it looks like”. Ok sure but I’m asking for help with other problems treating just anxiety is not helpful.
So long story short. If you don’t mesh with your doctor then find a new one. It’s frustrating to have to start over but worth it when you get someone you feel truly understands and listens to you.
That comment did segway in to her asking me whether or not I have any ideas of why and when I felt the need to mask, and other than that one comment I did not feel uncomfortable talking to her as a psychologist. I did feel uncomfortable due to it being a social interaction with another human being. But she didn’t make me feel like I am wrong for not wanting to make eye contact. She didn’t make me feel wrong for not liking last minute changes. She was accepting of the fact that I have different needs. Needs I didn’t know I have. I think my brain - being as wonderful as always - zoomed in on a comment and just ran with it. She probably could have worded it better, though.
I’m glad that she didn’t make you feel worse for your needs. If you need to stick it out with her do it. Just know it’s okay to change providers if you feel that it is not working or you want to try other things. Maybe as you get more of a history and comfort level you can help her understand how certain phrasing is not helpful. Providers are human too. Though I really didn’t like my previous providers they are human and their care philosophy just didn’t line up with my needs. For my your provider sounds very frustrating but my needs are different than yours.
I needed to hear from someone else it’s okay to change providers, and only you can decide if or when you want to do that.
“you learned to mask really well, so the problem being hidden by it obviously doesn’t actually exist"
Yeah, it was more like “you’re either REALLY good at masking OR you actually don’t have a problem in social situations” which led to her asking how I felt at the moment talking to her and then she asked me if I had an idea of why and when I first felt the need to mask. So this conversation did lead to us digging in to the reasons of why and when. To be honest, I did not know I was that good at masking, because in my head I always felt like I am wrong and I am convinced that people can see that immediately.
I’m a therapist. What she said is not a great thing for a therapist to say. We are not supposed to tell our clients that their experiences are not true. Plus, masking is a thing that needs to be addresses as what it is - a survival strategy rather than just “pretending.”
We really got into why I mask after that comment. She asked me why and when I felt the need to be so convincing. The answer was that I’ve always felt that way. I’ve always felt wrong and I didn’t want people to know it. But she also made me realize that I need to be aware of my own needs, and that I can’t try to please everyone on the cost of my own mental health. I don’t know. I guess it was a small comment that led us down a path as to why I felt the need to “pass as normal”. But not only to pass as normal, but also how I set aside my own personal needs aside in order to appease everybody else.
Hopefully the discussion was productive and made you feel heard and understood at the end.
Sounds like a bad psychologist. I’d look for a new one. Many people are able to mask symptoms, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t real.
We actually got into more of the talking of masking, and her asking me where I think this started since it seems like I am so good at it. Other than that one comment, she actually made me feel really comfortable. I think I’ll try to bring this up in my next session and see how she reacts. If she reacts negatively towards me, then I’ll definitely look for a new psychologist.
For me personally, anxiety in social situations often is caused by sensory overstimulation. Background music, multiple people speaking, missing social cues - this adds up and makes me dread larger group settings because I know I will be overwhelmeld at some point. It helps knowing that the group is aware of my issues but I’ve had my share of outbursts or visits cut short which sucks!
This may be what your psychologist referred to as being aware of your needs? Being aware of when you may need a break or start to become more agitated in a social setting so maybe you can take a break or use earplugs / Loops?
Idk as someone with a lot of anxiety I feel like it makes sense that you’re less anxious around your psychologist. Cuz I feel like with therapy, there’s a bit of a script, your therapist asks you questions and steers the conversation so you don’t have to think of conversation topics, and you don’t have to worry about being too much because you’re literally paying the therapist to listen to you. Like you said, there are certain people that trigger your anxiety. And just because you’re not constantly anxious in every single situation doesn’t mean your anxiety is insignificant or fake. You don’t have to prove that your anxiety is debilitating enough to need help.
