I know I can over share. I know I say things way too “deep” for neutrotypicals. I know how I take small talk into big talk with just one sentence. What are ways that you keep yourself aware in conversation to just be casual. I imagine something small to fidget with that isn’t obvious and I can use to keep me centered on being not so outright. Obviously I don’t like wearing anything but maybe something like a normal but moving or spinning finger ring would help, I can always take it off.
Is this something you guys experience, maybe recognize now, or have realized this behavior and have some mechanism to stay “normal”?
Remember it’s dialogue not monologue. If they’re not following where you are going in the conversation, turn around and come back.
To add to this: take notice of how much they are sharing back. If all they are saying are acknowledgements (e.g “Yeah”, “of course”, “I hear that”, “wow, that’s crazy”) then they aren’t really with you in the conversation. The dialogue has become a monologue.
Wait, that’s mostly what I do in many conversations… damn.
It takes practice, but a good approach is not to go beyond a few sentences on a topic at a time. Give them a chance to change the direction of the conversation (which will happen if they are not interested) or ask follow-up questions (typically indicates that they are interested, although sometimes it may just be that they are being polite, in which case you’ll usually only get one or two before the other person moves on to something else). As one of the other comments says, it’s a dialogue, not a monologue - most of the time the other person isn’t engaging to get information from you but to connect with you (and yeah, that can be a really nebulous concept at times!). It’s really easy to infodump but most people don’t have the context or depth of knowledge to follow a deep dive on a subject.
How to you find the energy to maintain a conversation like that? I know how to hold a “proper” conversation, it’s just so much work and the longer the conversation the stronger the brain fog becomes. I feel the life getting sucked out of my body.
The best case is when I am (1) well-rested, (2) not hungry or thirsty and (3) not already agitated/close to being overwhelmed going into it. Socialising definitely drains me, though, and I have gotten better at recognising when I need a break before it becomes critical. That way I can politely excuse myself (if it’s a social function, usually I have a plan in advance to go outside or away from people for a bit to recover).
Unfortunately it’s just reality that some people are energised by that type of conversation or social interaction, whilst for others it is exhausting. Energy management is the key thing for those of us who find it draining. Interoception is sometimes impeded for individuals on the spectrum, so if it’s hard to identify or keep track of how are you going (and hence whether it is time to politely exit the conversation), there are exercises one can find online to help improve interoception.
What are you oversharing about?
I mean on day one I wouldn’t talk about like childhood trauma or something. Just talk about your hobbies or interests, but surface level. Don’t infodump their ass the first time you talk about something.
Only talk about work stuff.
I have a fidget ring. It’s great. But I don’t worry about colleagues any more than other social contacts. They’re not some weird different set of people.
Ask questions. That’s always a good way to stop over sharing.
