So, my fiance and I have for quite awhile come to terms with us being poly, primarily myself but she is cool with it.
Thing is, we’ve been together for 13 years now, are getting married soon, and while we have agreed that if we ever met someone we clicked with, we also have come to terms with the fact it feels like that won’t actually ever happen.
We’re both very introverted and keep to ourselves. We aren’t actually party goers, and the wildest nights we have are the extremely rare night where we host a board game night with like, maybe 4 friends. And that’s a “rager” for us, comparatively.
We’ve looked into some dating apps but the results are… abysmal. Non starter really.
And since we are both so far along in our life together, it feels more and more like it would be impossible to “Fairly” include another person anyways. They’d forever be “second” in that me and my fiance have thirteen (and counting) years of history, whereas the new person would be starting completely fresh. That doesn’t seem like it could ever work anyways, no matter how hard we tried right?
We’ve talked at length about this and agreed that it just doesn’t seem like it could even work, despite us wanting it to, and that we’re sorta just gonna have to be cool with being monogamous poly, which is weird but I dunno how else to describe it.
The only situation I’ve considered that would work is if it was another couple that both of us click with both of them, and everyone vibes with each other in every direction, which then means at least everyone has someone else they have history with, and someone else that is new, which feels more like now everyone is on “equal” footing if you will, removing that feeling of imbalance.
But then of course we have to confront the fact that the odds of two people finding two other people and everyone vibing with everyone else is… well incredibly low. And when I say vibing I’m talking “we want to have a close committed intimate and romantic relationship” level.
So, I guess I wanted to send out some feelers on if any other folks are in this sort of state, how are you navigating it, how do you feel about it, lets talk about this sort of state.
Something to noodle on:
Is it morally wrong to try and initiate a poly relationship with a third person, when the other 2 people have a “fallback” of each other, such that the third person forever will be subjected to the 2v1 power imbalance, that if things broke down the 2 would quick the third out, forever putting them at a disadvantage?
Cuz, personally, I feel like I can’t morally subject someone to that myself, I’d forever feel “off” about putting another person (no matter how willing) into that position, it feels… wrong.
The standard advice is that you shouldn’t try to just create a triad (or quad), but instead each date separately. Sometimes triads form organically as a result of this (for example, if you and your metamour develop feelings for each other), but trying to force them is a recipe for disaster, and also comes with the ethical concerns that you mentioned.
Since you mention yourself being the one that’s primarily poly, it may also be good to let your partner “go first” with dating people, to try to head off feelings of insecurity. Those can still happen, but it’s better if the more reluctant partner can dip into poly at their own pace, instead of feeling rushed into it.
To me it seems like you have a really strong image of what you actually want. Because all your questions and concerns focus on things that sound more like life partners. Poly also allows for other types of romantic and/or sexual relationships. Would you be open to that?
No, not really. That’s above and beyond being poly, we both are only really interested in life long partners, thus we fit so well with each other.
We’ve both agreed we doubt we would ever meet someone even one of us clicks with and meets us where we are at, we’ve both just spent so kych time and effort growing together that we’re extremely far along in experience and maturity. We’re getting married next year, as we’ve just accepted it’s gonna just be the two of us.
We’re okay with that, but I wanted to hear how other folks feel about this themselves, we aren’t unhappy with our lives, we’re doing awesome.
But I think it’s definitely an interesting thing to talk about, if people have had a serious commited “expansion” of the relationship “late game” if you will, and if it actually worked out.
Your situation sounds a lot like mine - been together for 13 years, but we’re both introverted and have found that dating apps aren’t actually all that effective. This means we’re essentially monogamous despite the desire to expand our relationships.
As far as including people “fairly” is concerned, it’s important to remember that one of the best parts of polyamory is that any one person does not have to be your “soulmate”. They may have their own reasons for joining such an arrangement (maybe they don’t WANT the pressure of being a primary!)
There are 8 billion people in the world. Surely there’s somebody out there that fits the description you’re looking for… It’s simply a matter of finding them. Forums like this are probably a good place to start… I’ve been meaning to post here to see if there are any people in a similar situation and apparently there are!
Have you read any books on polyamory or listened to podcasts about it?
I would recommend looking at the following: Unicorns-r-us.com The Multiamory podcast Some book suggestions: Opening Up, More Than Two (there is massive controversy around one of the authors, but it’s still a very solid book to most), or Love in Abundance
I will warn you that with what you just wrote, a lot of these may make you feel attacked. I hope you’re able to look past that, absorb, relook at your post, and see if you still have those questions or if you have new ones now.
Can you expand on this, particularly with how it relates to my post? I wrote specific questions I wanted to talk about and hear people’s thoughts on.