On one hand I sort of dislike doing this because it’s a reminder of my failings, but on the other hand I am not sure what do either
A major pillar of support has decided to cut ties with me and it not something I can hold it against them as they have their own lives and when I recently decided to share my troubles it became too hard to deal with on account that they couldn’t help me and fear that they are only making things worse.
My latest round of issues has been identifying with the long standing issue of loneliness. It is something that I have sat on and thought about recently as a root of a lot of my issues. I am isolated with feelings I am sure go back as far as childhood. I don’t know how to maintain friendships, I have developed unhealthy habits that suppress who I am and overwhelm people with all the stored up misery when they get close.
It scares people away and because of it I have to force myself to suppress the person I am, which has and continues to lead to a feedback loop which further perpetuates the cycle.
I feel I only have one long standing bond left and even then I am careful to control what I say and do and avoid contact in an attempt to perserve it.
I used to be able to communicate with some people who I shared a common interest with over discord but cannot do it now as the hand me down pc I received after my old pc broke has trouble with real-time communication as the audio is heavily distorted and delayed
I feel alone, isolated, helpless, worthless… insert self depreciating adjective… and I stuck in this really bad mindset that has me feeling trapped, literally and figuratively
I cannot afford professional help and when I tried in the past to get help through the local clinic I became disenfrachised by the treatment I received as it felt that I was a “functional” case that drug use was enough to treat (mentioned conditions Anxiety, Depression and ADHD with an an off-hand remark of possible Aspergers, but never received an official prognosis, much less a diagnosis) - with them not really giving me any answers or support - other local lines were just as useless as they are both made me aware of how overworked they are and provide far too general advice to issues which results in me reserving myself and not addressing problems knowing that they aren’t really listening.
It feels like because I am not a stark raving lunatic that it not considered that my mental health is at a point of concern.
It is always text book do this or do that and do not take into account the mental barriers I have developed as coping method, which is not so much coping as much as trying to keep up appearances.
An example, which I am not even sure if it even makes sense is : if I do not have a immediate reason to, I do not go outside… an immediate reason primarily doing something for someone else’s sake… which leads to me not going outside much at all, I cannot mentally motivate myself a reason to do something for myself.
Other advice I have been told tell me to be to selflessly kind and to show love and it will be returned, but my experiences trying have only led twisted failures as it brings back memories of opening myself to others and having it being taken advantage of and leaving me more bitter as a result. I believe my younger self attempted to embrace those values too readily and the real world was eager to correct the nail sticking out.
Which I believe has lead to a desparate desire to form bonds, as a form of self-correction from the attempt to avoid connections from the perceived pain it brought and in doing so fall victim to unscrupulous individuals that take advantage of it for their own benefit and even when I found people who not intentionally malicious, something still happens that ends up causing pain.
It is like have developemed a twisted moral code around what I assumed people want from someone to have - honesty, loyalty, integrity - and the values being destroyed as one is confronted with a world running on hypocrisy run by the status quo and then questioning why people are like they way they are as the perceived most sucessful make use of deception and selfishness to make use of people for their own self interest without consideration for another. Throwing others away the moment they get what they want.
It hurts to put trust in others and then being hurt, especially when they take pride in their self-indulgence whether they intentionally do it or not
I think the person who decided to cut ties came to the conclusion that I was, To quote from the video https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=5L1sJ99jklc at around the 6 minute mark, :
“being so desparate to change yourself, but being unable to communicate those feelings. It can make you latch onto people in an unhealthy way, unfairly placing the burden of change on them when they can’t help you in the way you want”
was something they probably thought they needed to do. That and mentioned that they feel like they are walking on eggshells and that I was scaring them - not in a physical violence sense but more in they are concerned of me “losing” it and them being caught in the crossfire.
I do feel there is more to write, but I feel I need to try and contain the “Pandora’s Box” from opening full tilt everytime I write … so I guess I am just shouting into the void as I feel emotionally mixed ( ranging between numbness and anger) from losing yet another person from feeling overwhelmed in loneliness and expressing myself to another who has context to what I feel, but ended up relying on them too much
Sometimes people get used to using certain “crutches” without forcing themselves to be better to not need it. Maybe your friend leaving gives you this kind of opportunity. An opportunity to self reflect and identify what aspect of your life you want to improve. It most definitely will not be easy, and I’m very sorry you’re in a situation where seeking therapy is not really an option. But sometimes you need it to get worse before it gets better.
The important thing to keep in mind on this journey is forgiveness and kindness. Learn to forgive yourself for any mistakes you made and will make. Be kinder to yourself and the progress (or lack thereof) that you made. This circles back to some points you made like being betrayed by people close to you. Opening up to them and being kind to them isn’t a reflection on your poor judgement or naivety. It’s more of a reflection on their character. You shouldn’t spin this account as a negative outlook on yourself.
I hope you get out of this rough spot OP.
Forgiveness and kindness is the best answer, but god I know how untrivial it is. Especially when everything in your life seems to pull you down. If I may offer some advice, @op, try practicing mindfulness meditation. It helps to disengage with the current flow of depressing thoughts and in time allows to invite some clarity.
I don’t really have a clue on what advice to give. I’ll just say, I understand your point of view. I had issues opening up and when I did, it would be a firehose and overwhelm people. The answer, for me, wasn’t to NOT open up. It was to open up more. Let smaller streams out. I had to accept that we all need this. Giving voice to your thoughts is vital. Thoughts have the tendency to build up and seem bigger than they are. When you talk to other people (or something else) it helps you work through your thoughts. It also takes the power back because the thoughts seem less scary when talking to someone else.
I know your problem was not finding the right person to open up to. I mentioned or something else earlier, because some people are religious and prayer might help. Programmers talk through their issues (at work) with a rubber ducky. Anything would help. Finding another person would be best, but if I can’t find someone to talk to then I go to my ice cave with my penguin buddy, I made up in elementary school.
Everyone needs a break from this world. We treat each other like shit and many people are selfish and lack empathy. To quote Megan Thee Stallion, “Everybody taking shit probably sucks anyway.”
Take things a day at a time and try to find like minded people. They are out there. Eventbrite might be a tool you can use to find events you would be okay with going to. They got baby goat yoga near me. I haven’t gone, but being able to hang out with baby goats sounds fun.
Thank you to everyone that left a comment, it has been helpful to snap me out of the negative spiral somewhat.
Again, something that I noticed is that my, not sure, brain I guess responds stronger to the perception of empathy rather than sympathy or at least it feels that way when I think on how I read what has been written. It might get warped with people I know over time as I sink into a negative mindspace.
But I do think I subconsciously attempt to try “feel” what is been written or seen and base an interpretation from that - mixed with a profile that I probably apply a bias to.
So thinking on that I probably felt frustrated at the friend when their writing had the appearance of not understanding what I am feeling and felt ever more dispondent when I tried to get them to understand what I am feeling which probably lead to throwing more and more negative emotion in an attempt to have it be acknowledged.
Probably it was an attempt to grasp at trying to not be alone, which I admit is probably not helpful to someone else, especially if they do not wish to “feel” that emotion.
It is like an emotional mismatch I guess, where one shouts " this is the solutions that I found that helped" and the other shouts “this is a problem and I want support”. It probably ends up feeling that either side is not listening to the other as both parties are looking at an issue from a different lens.
