I have an issue where I push too hard to be equal in all things. This leads to me asking to reciprocate oral sex when it is offered even when my partner just wants to give but not receive.
It leads to her being upset that I don’t just want a blowjob. I do very much want and enjoy the blowjob but I feel bad in just taking.
Overall when we have sex it is amazing and I definitely take care of her needs but when oral is offered my responses are viewed as being less than 100% satisfied with the offer.
We have discussed it and I know I shouldn’t look a gift blowjob in the mouth but I can’t stop myself sometimes. How should I discuss or just shut myself up in my brain and just accept things don’t always have to be tit for tat?
First of all, bless you for having that mindset. I couldn’t possibly understand getting upset that you’d want to return the favor, or that you wanting to please her as well means that you didnt enjoy it.
Do you offer because you’re turned on and genuinely want to make her feel good, or is your offer more based in the tit for tat mentality? Maybe it feels transactional to her if you always offer right after.
If it does bother her so much, maybe you can talk about it and ask her to request it when she wants it if she doesn’t already . Or, instead of offering right after, save it for later and surprise her so that it doesn’t seem obligatory, is that is in fact her issue here.
I guess another way to look at this is that you aren’t taking anything from her, she’s giving it to you, presumably because it makes her happy to please you. That can be satisfying in and of itself for the giver. I think communication about this stuff is key, just keep checking in here and there and enjoy
Do you find satisfaction in reciprocating?
Because if you’re anything like me - then giving is the gift. I’m someone that feels validated and valued when I bring someone joy. And if I’m given an experience that I can’t share, then I’m filled with a sense of guilt. If you feel similarly, you should communicate that to your partner.
And also, I’ve been in your position.
Assuredly, your partner would feel pressured to ‘enjoy herself’ and/or give equal feedback if you ‘must’ reciprocate.
That’s a vulnerable feeling and it can be awkward. If she doesn’t ‘get there’, she’d feel like she’s dismissing your effort. So she’s trying to focus on ‘getting there’ under pressure, which creates a negative thought loop that confirms her fears. It’s just easier to do something else.
You have a loving partner that’s worth appreciating. The way each of you show and receive appreciation is different. She’s telling you very clearly that she does not need to be shown in the way you want to. So I recommend finding something else.
Maybe you could cook up a nice breakfast, give her a foot rub, watch one of her TV shows, that kinda thing.
This isn’t looking a gift horse in the mouth. That would be asking her how long the blowjob is going to be or something like that. Have a read about martyr complexes. It sounds more intense than it is, but that’s probably closer to this situation. Basically just sacrificing your own wants for others.
It gets frustrating when you assume other people’s wants and don’t listen to what they’re telling you. Maybe you’ve been brought up to not be forthcoming with your desires, and you think she’s being polite when she refuses? It’s a hard thing to overcome because people genuinely do refuse things they want, out of politeness. Maybe you could think of a codeword between yourselves, that indicates you’re being completely truthful and not telling a white lie or anything. But don’t overuse the codeword!
Okay, so are you offering to go down on her as soon as she offers you a blow job? Or while she’s in the middle of giving you one? If yes to either of those, I could see how she might get the idea that you don’t enjoy her efforts.
If you haven’t tried this yet, I’d keep the offer to yourself until she completes the blow job. Express how amazing it was and how good it felt, and then say it felt so good that you want her to feel good too and offer to eat her out at that point. Don’t even mention it prior to that. This way, she can’t mistake your eagerness for equality as anything but that.
