So I was in my car and venting about how I hate Americans because of the vast amount of shit and hate and discrimination I’ve had to deal with on top of people here not believing in mental health problems so I’m expected to perk up magically even tho I’ve experienced threats of violence and dehumanization. People where I live are so hateful that if I said that last sentence out loud they would get angry because they don’t care what happens to people like me.
So even at home I have to stay as quiet as possible because there is no privacy here from the neighbors or “family.” My car is the only place I can vent. On the way to work I said I hate Americans and somehow my boss knew because after that he kept making comments about how he and I are just dumb Americans, something he never said before and he normally doesn’t talk like that.
Then he tried to guilt me because he’s black and his ancestors didn’t choose to come here.
Anyone of any background can go thru shit and no one can say otherwise and if they do then they’re just wrong. Nothing will change that reality and there are no excuses for treating people like shit.
It is highly similar to the problems of toxic masculinity. We’re told constantly to “suck it up” and “walk it off”.
The US is going through a fascist wave. A lot of that is caused by the inhuman, punitive culture that has been fostered here by hateful conservatives adoring hateful things like toxic masculinity.
When you are hated for being a tiny bit different and are constantly told to solve your own problems… This sh*t is the inevitable result. A bigoted, hateful, and unproductive populous that doesn’t even know how to help each other.
I’m first generation American on my mother’s side. She came from Germany (from an area now culturally and geographically Polish). I mention that background because I want to be clear that my comparisons to Nazi Germany are not glib or superficial; they are grounded in my family, and my interest in how Hitler came to power.
Germans were hurting from punitive WWI damages. They were humilated, fragmented. They were experiencing inflation such that it cost a wheelbarrow of cash to purchase a loaf of bread. Following Hitler gave the ordinary, disenfranchised people a sense of pride, discipline, purpose. Part of that mental nation-building was identifying and castigating “the others.” The Jews, yes, but also communists, people with disabilities, “Gypsies” (offensive term—Romani), homosexuals, anyone not actively “with the program,” anyone who dared to raise an eyebrow in disagreement. Or those failing to give up their pot-roast Sunday dinner to a gang of brown-shirts who demanded entry into your farm home and took it in the name of The Cause. (True story.)
Americans (and the world as a whole) are experiencing scary, looming issues. Income inequality that continues to increase exponentially. Impending climate catastrophes. Failure to reckon with the legacies of slavery, First Nations colonization and extermination programs, Japanese internment, etc., and failure to reckon with boomerang echoes of that history. Social media monopolies that silo us off in echo chambers, content to ignore consequences as long as profits keep flowing. A global plague, the first of many, which everyone knew was coming, but was met with bungling lack of transparency.
I think we’re ripe for fascism. People are retreating into tribal groups. We’re defensive, trying to hang onto shreds of dignity by asserting membership in this or that group, and ignoring. If the tribe is deluded, we’ll find a way to mentally sand off or ignore the rough parts, because it’s become so important to find a place to belong, a place that makes sense. Even if it doesn’t make sense. (“The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas,” 1973 short story by Ursula K LeGuin. Can be found online.)
I don’t have an answer. I’m scared too. I do try to read and listen broadly. I want to find out why people who see things differently think as they do. Recognize what we hold in common—base assumptions. Asking “why do you mention/think that?”
I too need alone-time and space. And I look for folks who can understand my perspectives—just as important to have support as it is to hear out those who disagree. Balance.
I’m sorry you’re feeling like you can’t express your pain with your family and your only safe place now feels violated and unsafe. I have said the same thing because I disagree with the way a lot of my fellow Americans treat people who are different in any way and I’m ashamed. You should be allowed to vent such things in some sort of private space. You’ve come to the right place to put those thoughts down on the computer screen and let strangers empathize and vent with you.
I hope you’re able to get real help in the form of therapy and/or medication, or even just someone in your life who is willing to stand up with you and for you, really soon. In the meantime, you can come here and talk with us whenever you need to. It also may help to start writing in a journal, so you can say anything you need to say and either keep it or get rid of it as you see fit. Once it’s on the paper, a lot of the stress you felt is removed from your body.
Is it a company car that might have been bugged? Were you not alone in the car?
What’s your theory on how your boss knows you said that in the car? I’m assuming you were alone in the car right?
To be sure, there is racism and discrimination all around the world, except perhaps in Antarctica. Of course it all differs in intensity and character depending on location. And it’s not OK.
Penguins can be dicks, man.
