What’s the point of everything? What are we heading towards? There’s got to be a reason why we were put here. Why was I put here? To sit at a computer all day and work for another person making spreadsheets and drawing a bird over and over again? Surely that can’t be the reason.
I often hear that “life is a gift”, but this is shittiest gift I’ve ever received. A life full of 9 to 5, too tired to do anything, alone all the time, bills, no money. In post apocalyptic movies there’s the risk of death but at least they’re alive. Have something to do and appreciating every moment they have breath in their lungs. But, not me. No reason to wake up early other than to be tired at a computer desk. Nothing to look forward to other than the morning coffee. Life is monotonous. Even with stuff to do it’s a fleeting feeling. Disappearing the next day knowing that such an event is an anomaly. No fun is to be had.
Movies, video games, and YouTube provide the illusion of being alive. Of breathing for the first time. Of smelling the fresh air of a mountain top. Feeling the touch of a lover. Hearing the laugh of a friend. The feeling of being wanted.
But it’s only an illusion that makes my eyes water and my back stiff. Instead of warmth, I get wrist pain. Instead of happiness, I get eye strain. Instead of a living, I get existing.
I read that our lives were born of star dust. Our world is perfectly situated to harbour the gift of life brought down from the void above us by asteroids and comets. The gift of life is unusual it seems. If that’s the case…
Why was I put here and cursed to live this life of loneliness?
Movies, video games, and YouTube provide the illusion of being alive.
Where are the people in your life, friends with whom you can physically meet up and do stuff with? Loneliness is a killer, akin to smoking a pack a day. If it’s been hard for you to make friends, I could share tips; it’s certainly not easy in today’s day and age, but it’s more important than ever to try.
There is non. I’ve dedicated the last two years to helping my immediate family through a rough time so I haven’t been able to do anything. Making friends sucks.
That’s really tough and your predicament is understandable and rough. I’ve been dealing with this as a transplant to a new state for the past few years. I know someone else who sort of went through something like this (even planned her family member’s funeral when that day finally came), and I’ve been helping her get back on her social feet as well; it’s taken several months, but she seems to finally be doing better.
Making friends sucks.
Yes, the slog of making friends sucks, but having friends is essential, vital, and life-giving. If your country has anything like Meetup, or maybe local Facebook groups or similar groups for your cities, I made a friend through one such group (though I had to try attending many with no results).
“Among older adults, loneliness increases the risk of developing dementia, slows their walking speeds, and interferes with their ability to care for themselves. Loneliness is even associated with dying earlier. Among adolescents and young adults, loneliness increases the likelihood of headaches, stomach aches, sleep disturbances, and compulsive internet use.” - Research Confirms That Loneliness Is Bad for Your Health
So, as annoying as the process is, it’s absolutely worth the effort! You don’t need a whole crowd, but connecting with a few people on a similar-enough wavelength as you is statistically likely to reduce your negative feelings, probably massively. “No man is an island,” as it goes.
there is no inherent meaning. you have to make your own.
It sounds like you need to try and find other work, for starters. Something closer to your values, something more meaningful to you. It’s easy to keep the decently paying bullshit email job but, speaking as someone in the same position, I’m spending more time trying to figure out what else I could do. It could pay double and I’d still find it meaningless and unrewarding.
Why was I put here and cursed to live this life of loneliness?
I believe two things: we weren’t put here for any reason, and it’s up to us to create meaning in our own lives.
Personally I’ve enjoyed reading Marcus Aurelius’s Meditations. Stoicism resonates with me; I think the ideas are worth exposing yourself to (try and get a book with translations and explanations, it can be dry otherwise).
You clearly don’t like your job, what can you do about that? Can hobbies help fill the hole elsewhere? Could you be spending more time with the important poeple in your life? Is it possible to switch companies, or try other jobs?
I went back to a big safe corporate job a couple years ago and my life was a slough and I was miserable. I’ve been back at a smaller company for a bit and it’s much more enjoyable, which has made a huge difference in my life.
