My partner of one year has not been satisfied with our communication while away from each other. He’d like to know what I’m up to when not at work, and while I would rather have more sporadic catch-ups (say 2/3 times a day) I try to keep to his preferred frequency which usually ends up being once every two hours at minimum, because I know it’s important to him.
He’s currently visiting family outside the country for a month, and while away, and I’ve had several instances of not getting back to him - once for 5 hours when I was having a bad mental health day, which we argued about and then managed to come to terms with. And another time for 3 hours because I got sucked down a YouTube/research hole. These pauses in our conversation never actually felt that long to me cause I definitely get time blindness. I apologised and tried to explain about time blindness, but I don’t really think he believes me.
The conversation about the second instance ended on a sour note. Since then we’ve still been texting and updating each other on our goings-on, but I now feel anxiety when I see any messages coming from him, and like I have an invisible timer to answer by otherwise things will blow up again. And while I used to put real thought into my messages (maybe too much) I now feel like I’m chucking any information I can think of at him to keep him appeased.
I know getting back to people on a social level is an issue with me - it’s been a problem with friends in the past and it’s something I’m trying to work on, but I feel like I have no method for getting back to my partner. I’m in my thirties and feel like I should have figured this out by now - not great for the self-confidence.
I’d love any tips for managing social communication with people or indeed any other input. Please be kind, I’m being pretty hard on myself right now already.
UPDATE: Thank you to everyone who commented, I didn’t reply individually but I can promise you I read and took on board everything that was said. In honour of that, I thought I’d provide an update for anyone curious.
He came back from his trip and we had a talk, which led to us breaking up. Although he initiated the break up, and there were many elements to it, I think the fact that he was sort of hung up on his side of the story and his feelings of rejection over any desire to understand me or figure out a way for us both to work things out, kind of cements the fact that separating was the right thing to do. I’ve taken some time to heal, and will be keeping an eye out for this sort of thing in the future. Thanks again to all, I appreciate your time and concern!
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Expecting someone to check in every couple of hours is unreasonable, and if he’s being pushy about it that’s controlling behavior.
There is nothing wrong with you not being constantly tethered to your phone, and you have every right to live by your own standards.
You deserve to have the space to be comfortable.
I think I was getting anxious about it because I’ve lost friends over not getting back to them in a timely way, but that was days or weeks versus hours.
Thank you for the reassurance.
This sounds like a controlling relationship issue rather than an issue with your communication. My partner and I text each other all day. Mostly memes and nonsense, or photos of our dog. We literally both work from home and we still do. That’s just our thing. But when he or I go out, it’s not uncommon for us to go silent for hours. Because we’re doing other stuff, often with other people. I try to enjoy the company I’m with or the activity I’m doing, so I tend to put my phone aside. He’s the same. When we’re on holiday separately, we’ll send general ‘what’s the plans today?’ or ‘check out this restaurant I’m at!’ messages occasionally, but that’s about it.
The main take away here is, we like messaging each other cos that’s normal for us. But if the other person is somewhere else, we want them to be enjoying themselves or being polite to whomever they’re with. Or we accept they’re focused on something else, whether that’s house cleaning or playing PlayStation. We’re independent adults who don’t owe each other anything but trust and respect.
And it sounds like your partner is not showing you either. I can’t speak to any communication issues you’ve had with friends and how related that is to your time blindness. But I don’t think that’s this. I think he’s being a controlling, paranoid prick. I think you need to ask him why he requires that much response. He would be justified to say he likes hearing from you, that it provides connection, but demanding it to the point it causes fights? What a dick.
I echo what others have said about this sounding like a control issue, but I want to check in with you about some relationship dynamics before jumping too firmly to that conclusion. You phrased your partner’s side as:
He’d like to know what I’m up to when not at work
Is he an introverted person who has a small social circle? Does he have a clingy attachment style in your relationship? Does he have this expectation for a check in when he isn’t traveling? Have you talked with him about your own communication style and/or how your ADHD manifests as time blindness, as you put it?
You should be able to get into your zone without having to offer a constant stream of meaningless reassurances.
I would say in terms of keeping in touch (with anyone), a scheduled phone call (with a calendar alert and/or alarm) is a good way to catch up without relying on your memory or time keeping skills. And if you are having a mental health day, a quick text to reschedule should be acceptable (as long as it’s not every time).
This doesn’t sound like your problem. It sounds like his. You have a right to communicate in a way that’s comfortable to you. If his communication style is causing you anxiety, that’s a problem. You need to talk to a therapist who can help you with next steps.
First of all, I really relate to this and know how painful and guilt-inducing it can be. I have lost many relationships over this and I hope to never do so again.
The main thing that has helped so far is having an honest conversation about it, especially with new friends who aren’t aware. The most important things I say are: 1) My lack of communication is 100% about me and my weird brain, it doesn’t mean I’m not excited to talk to you. 2) If I seem to be pulling away, pressure makes it worse – don’t grill me or react dramatically, and keep sending silly low-stakes messages every so often. 3) If it’s really important to you that we talk at certain intervals, it has to be consistent – we agree on a date and time and its in my calendar and set as a phone notification.
It sounds like your partner maybe doesn’t understand what this is like for you, or does understand but illogically hopes you will make an exception for him. I think the most important thing to tell him is that you now feel anxious when you see his messages, and that you don’t want to feel that way. Maybe together you can brainstorm a way to communicate more that works for you both, but only if he understands he can’t brute force it.
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