This will be long, so strap in…
For years I battled with some mental health issues that prevented me from working or studying. Finally, after being very close to going into debt, I managed to get a job last november. I was happy, I had a job at a company that I liked, I had a bf, I was overcoming my agoraphobia and things felt like they were going well. Only thing that sucked was that I was still stuck living with my occasionally abusive and toxic ex, and in my country we’re experiencing a massive housing crisis, so moving out while earning less than min wage is pretty much impossible. Even if I earned above min wage, I’d had to earn a lot to be able to rent a place.
Anyway, piece by piece, things started to deteriorate. I broke up with my bf in january, and while I consider this as either positive or neutral thing, it has left me feeling lonely. One of my and my ex’s cats died in april. Around this time there was also some drama at work, but it luckily was solved. In may one day at work I became extremely confused over what time it was and a coworker took me to a hospital, I won’t go into detail about that day more, but this started a massive decline in my physical health.
I started having issues with my balance, being confused, suffering from headaches/migraines, and lightheadedness. I was unable to work fully anymore, the doctors weren’t helpful, but eventually I got sent to do some tests in a hospital, my appointment is in october. I’ve been on sick leave for over a month now, and I don’t think I’ll be able to return for a while, if ever. My already less than min wage got cut even more, I now earn only 800€/month. Luckily I don’t have to pay for rent or food (my ex earns enough and is nice enough to buy food and also cook, which I am grateful for).
The issue is, my ex decided that he wanted to adopt a kitten. It was “his” cat that died, and he wanted our other cat to have company (the two cats were adopted as kittens about a year ago). His mom, whose cat is actually a littermate of ours, had recently had two kittens and so after a bit of begging from my ex, I agreed to take one of the kittens. He’s adorable, like all kittens, but he is also a menace. He’s scratched on some exposed floor, creating a mess. My ex didn’t seem to give a shit. The kitten is now chewing on cords, got caught in a cord yesterday, climbing the curtains, scratching the rug, and overall just being a hyperactive kitten. Now, my ex works 8h/day, about 6 days a week, and even if he isn’t working, he might just go out at a friends place or be at his mom’s. When he’s home, he cooks, pets the kitten, then goes upstairs to play, leaving the kitten downstairs with me. For someone who really wanted a kitten as bad as he did, he barely interacts with it.
I’m barely able to take care of myself in the state I’m in right now. I’m constantly tired, I don’t sleep well, I can’t stand up for long or at all at times, I have headaches/migraines often… I’m sick. Not sure what it is, but I have a hunch. But yeah, if I stand up too fast or too long or just wrong, I might fall. I already have, and often I can feel my knees going weak even when I just took a few steps to the fridge to get a drink. I can’t really take care of a kitten right now. Nor did I really want to. When I agreed to this, it wasn’t so bad, and my ex said he’d take care of the kitten. He’s barely home, or gives a shit about the furry little menace when he is.
Today I’ve had a bad headache for hours, and I couldn’t properly rest because I had to make sure that little ball of pure energy didn’t chew through a charging cable, or trying to stop him from ripping down our curtains. When my ex came home, he again didn’t bother to play with his kitten to burn off the energy a bit, leaving me to deal with constant noise and stress while I’m trying to rest my head. Not to mention that the house is a total mess. Dishes are piling up, so is the laundry, his half of the house is a total disaster (no proper flooring, half built wall between two bedrooms, months worth of pizza boxes, trash, random screws and construction material, clothes on the floor, etc.). I try to do what I can, but at this point it is not much. I can’t even empty the dishwasher everyday.
I have nobody to help me. I don’t even think my ex believes I’m sick. I feel overall just lonely. I don’t really have friends… I talk to some people online, but that’s it… I’m at the end of my rope. I don’t know if this illness is going to be permanent, if my hunch is correct there is no real cure and treatment is also a bit… uncertain. I’m scared. I’m so done that I’ve threatened to take the kitten to a shelter, because clearly my ex doesn’t give a fuck about him, but if I do then I’ll be kicked out. And then what? I get to struggle out on the streets when I can barely walk. And yes, my ex can kick me out and any moment without a warning.
I don’t know if there’s any other way out of this than killing myself. I can’t see any future for myself. My head hurts, I feel tired, I can’t run this house in a state like this, nor do I want to clean up after a 33 year old manchild. I didn’t want to be sick again… Should I just push myself to the limit? Go back to work, clean the whole house? And who cares if I have head splitting migraine. I don’t think anyone would care if I fell and hit my head. Maybe I am just lazy…
That’s no way to live, do you have anyone to talk to? Friendly family or old friends? If not, your only option is to talk to your ex and say the same things you’re saying here on the Internet. Maybe he doesn’t want to listen but you have to tell him. The cat might make you restless but having these feeling pent up is a worse restlessness debuff. I’ve never really been in a situation like this but if you don’t have anyone that can help you and your only household is with your ex then you have to talk to them?
I have, multiple times, but he refuses to listen. I asked him if it’s safe upstairs for the cats, if there’s exposed blades or if the cats could knock something down. In the end he said the kitten would have to get hurt before he’d do anything to make the house more cat proof. And this is after the kitten already got tangled a bit in a cord… I don’t really have anyone to talk to. I go to therapy once a month and see a social worker once a week, but neither is really able to help in a more concrete way, like getting the fuck out of this house. Both are trying, but it’s not like they can really do much. The housing in this country is a mess, and I don’t think it’s going to be solved. There are like 300 000 homes needed.
I’m sorry I don’t really have advice for your situation. I just want to say that you seem very strong for putting up with these abnormal levels of bullshit, and your ex sounds like a real asshole. I think you should do what you have to do, but your health should come first if it can. I’m sure this situation will change in the future. I hope you keep being the badass you are because at least to this random stranger, you matter.
Thank you for your kind words
Anytime, Pal
Hi. I’m just another internet rando but I’ve been where you are and slowly crawled back out. When your health is suddenly taken from you it’s so overwhelming, and just getting through each day is a lot to handle. You need to focus on your mental and physical health like it’s your full-time job right now. Taking care of someone else is definitely too much to ask of you. I’m glad you’re doing your best to get different housing because it seems sorely needed.
Have you talked with the social worker or therapist aboutyour suidical thoughts? If not, I would definitely advise you to do that as soon as you can, and definitely check out the pinned resources in our community for anything that might work for you.
If you’re lonely and would like to work on that, you can increase your contact with people online to help you pass the time. Try to find whatever little things that bring you joy (books, naps, hobbies you can tolerate right now) and maybe try a podcast you find relaxing. There are good days ahead of you. It may not feel like it, but not every day will feel this bad. Your brain and body are in a tailspin right now and you will find your way.
I’m sorry I don’t have any magic advice to help your situation–I think if you could move a lot would change for you, but I wanted you to know that this stranger on the internet cares about you. You can come back to this community any time to vent. That’s what we’re here for.
Both know that I’m occasionally suicidal. Today I unfortunately didn’t have enough time to really talk to my social worker how bad exactly I’m feeling, but she knows the situation is dire and she’s looking into some things to try and help.
I found some online friends a while back, and had some good discussions. Unfortunately I’m too tired or have a headache, so don’t feel like typing or calling. I also really miss just spending time with people irl. Even when my ex is home, he’s at his computer doing his own thing and doesn’t really want me there. I went out to dinner with coworkers and bosses last friday, and it was so much fun getting out of the house and being with people. It was worth the awful migraine afterwards. I just don’t really know anyone close by who I could go out with, even for a bit, and I’m a bit wary of meeting people right now, since I can’t necessarily take care of myself out there. I’m trying to do some of my hobbies, but yesterday I started feeling dizzy while sitting down, so I spend a lot of time just laying down and resting. I hate wasting my life like this…
Thank you for your kinds words, the support and validation I get from people is really helping. I didn’t think it would, but it really does. Thank you.
You definitely need to be wary of new people when you’re feeling like this, and I’m glad you’re keeping the people who can help you up to date on your symptoms. Migraine pain is the worst, especially when you’re trying to use digital things like phones or computers (I have to turn the brightness way down on things and still limit the time I spend on them when I have one, anyway). Getting out with your friends was good for your soul, so I’m sure it was worth it in the end.
I’m glad it’s helping for you to come here and talk with us. Keep on checking in whenever you can tolerate it. We are here for you.
Please get some help. Go somewhere, anywhere to get out of your housing situation. There are shelters, parents, relatives go stay with anyone until your back on your feet. It’s never too late to start over
I don’t know where to get help anymore. I’ve been running around, for years, trying to get help, and there just isn’t anything that can be done. I was without income for years, because my ex, who apparently is not financially responsible for me, earned too much money and so made me ineligible for financial assistance. If I wouldn’t have gotten the job, I’d currently be in debt over health care costs. And if my ex would have decided he didn’t want to feed me anymore, I would have had to decide between starving or living on the streets. Shelters kick you out during the day, so idk what I’d do during the day when I can barely stand up as it is. Right now, staying here seems the safest option, even if it means having to put up with this. But I can’t put up with this… there’s just no help
I don’t have all the answers, but want to say I am so sorry for what your going through.
On the kitten: you’re right, I think— the kitten needs more social interaction. Any piece of string, perhaps with a bit of cloth tied to the end, can be dangled while you are sitting on the couch. You might consider a mani-pedi, nipping the sharp tips of those claws, to keep damage under control. Ex might reasinably be asked to invest in a few toys, including chew toys. You might search for “Jackson Galaxy” on YouTube for helpful videos.
It shouldn’t be your responsibility, but it sounds like you’ve tried getting Ex to take responsibility. Sadly, like the kitten’s tenancy seems tied to your own. That sounds like manipulation.
Your physical health and long-term possibilities are, of course, adding to your stress. It sounds very overwhelming right now, with so many changes in your life. Would Ex consider paying for housekeeping help—at least to get the pizza boxes and dirty dishes sorted out? I don’t know about your country’s system for people with disabilities, but perhaps your social worker can help you figure out if any assistance in this area is available to you.
Thank you for the trigger warning about your desperation. As you know, I’m just an internet rando. I can’t offer you all the helo you need, although I can assure you I care deeply. In the pinned resources at the top of this community’s posts, there are some European resources if you haven’t already seen them. Perhaps your social worker can add to them (and if you’d be willing to share anything you find useful, you can DM me so I can have them added to the list).
Please stay alive. So many things have changed so rapidly in your life recently. That’s bound to feel like too much. Give yourself the time and grace for change.
The kitten luckily has tons of toys (half of them under the couch at the moment lol) and a whole other cat to play with, so with activity and social interaction, he is doing fine. He is also getting fed and his litterboxes get cleaned, just in case anybody is worried. Most of the damage comes from the kitten not understanding what he isn’t allowed to scratch, he has a flat plank on the floor, a ball and about a 2 m long scratching post, but both kitties just love scratching the doormat, as well as some exposed floor insulation(?).
My ex said yesterday that he would not be hiring anyone. I discussed today with my social worker if I could get some help to clean, as somedays I struggle to stand up long enough to even make food for myself, she said she’d look into it, but both of us are not very optimistic that I’d get anything. I’m thinking of taking pics of the worst chaos, maybe mostly just showing how unfinished the house is, and has been for years, and sending it to his mom and friends, maybe his brothers too. I’m just nervous if they’d blame me for it and/or how he’d react… He hasn’t told anyone that we broke up years ago, he also hasn’t told anyone that I finally got a job, and I lost contact with them years ago. I’ve only seen his mom recently a few times. But yeah, to everyone I’m basically his freeloading, weird foreign gf. None of them have been to the house in years, and when they did visit the few times years ago, we didn’t show them around.
I’m trying to take things day by day, tried to get a routine going on. It’s hard when some days I’m too tired or sick to play video games. I’ve been working on a project of mine that I hope to turn into a career, or at least a secondary income, but it is tough. I feel like I’ve let everyone down. Nobody says it, but I’m anxious that people don’t believe me, especially since I don’t really have any proof of that this is happening. I went through years of abuse where people accused me of faking or causing my own panic attacks. I had adults watch over me as I hyperventilated uncontrollably and just… stare at me. I’m so scared the same will happen again.
Well–you’re clearly very resourceful! You’ve got the kitten thing managed as best you can. You’re asking the same questions, of the same IRL people, that a bunch of randos have come up with… so crowd-sourcing and getting same answers suggests you’re doing everything right.
You have NOT let everyone down, and you’ve got no reason to apologize. Let me tell you a little about my partner’s situation. Supposedly “mental health” issues for ~ten years. Nothing worked–drugs, talk therapy, encouragement, whole raft of diagnoses. Lots of people accused her of faking, including (I’m sad to say) me. Never really pushed it; raised an occasional eyebrow, did my best to be supportive…
Finally, turns out she has Alzheimer’s. Rather atypically early (I think starting around 55 years old). But yeah, as real as the MRI that officially diagnosed it. She had so much anxiety and flaky behavior around “something’s OFF in my head.”
I sincerely hope that all works out well for you, and that you are able to find/create situations that are supportive and allow you joy. My partner too was suicidal. I can’t say she’s exactly ecstatic now–she’s in a nursing home (complications). But: I visit every day, get her to smile, and she knows I love her dearly and will not give up on her. There is still joy in our lives.
I’m sorry to hear about your partner. Alzheimer is brutal! I wish you and your partner lots of strength :)
Thank you so much. I get strength from the kind words of people like you, and from offering what I can for others. Hugs and well-wishes to you.