BP2. I’ve been in a depressive episode for almost 2 weeks now and I just can’t fucking deal right now. I run my own business and I’m ready to fire one client and to tell another to take their project elsewhere. I know, I KNOW I should not be making decisions like this in this state, but I just can’t handle it anymore. I basically quit in the middle of a meeting this morning because I couldn’t handle another pedantic fucking conversation, and now everyone is messaging me asking if I’m OK, and I’m not. And there’s really fun work that I should be focusing on, but I’m too preoccupied with the crap stuff, and I only have like 1/10th of the energy I should have, anyway, so I can barely muster the energy to just exist.
Thanks for reading. Maybe tell me to not screw up my life right now. Or tell me to go for it. I’m good either way.
Do you have someone you trust to manage the clients while you take a presumably much needed vacation?
Annoyingly I just came back from a vacation about a month ago. Was feeling really great, too, until my brain decided that now would be a good time to screw some things up.
I am in a similar spot myself. Try to hold strong—I always try to remind myself that “this (episode) too shall pass,” but unfortunately the consequences of decisions made during episodes often linger. If you can take some time off, even just a few days, maybe that will help a bit. Wishing you lots of luck.
Thanks. The weekend is coming up, so maybe that’ll help, but I remember being in this same position last week, and thinking that the weekend would help 😅. I really hope this episode ends soon.
I hope so too! The irritability is brutal. Especially when you know why you’re feeling/behaving the way you are, but you still can’t do anything about it and are expected to just keep chugging along “as usual.”
Do you find that any modifying any behaviours/patterns (like sleep schedule, regularity of eating) helps? Sometimes I’m able to lessen the emotional impact by paying more attention to those areas. But much easier said than done when you’re operating on really low energy.
I dunno, my therapist has me trying things all the time, but at this point I feel like it’s all chemical, and nothing I do has any kind of real lasting impact. I can make myself feel better by doing an activity, but as soon as that activity stops, the dopamine drops with it. And sadly the last 2 meds I tried didn’t work out, so at this point I’m just in the ‘tough it out’ part of therapy 🤣😭
I can relate. Also business owner.
The only thing I can tell you is delegate as much as you can. Beyond that, keep up the bare minimum, as hard as it is. Don’t be too hard on yourself if you can’t do all the things or need to take more breaks.
Thank you. Delegating everything is what I generally try to do, but my business is small enough that there’s still a lot on my plate either way, and of course we’re hitting crunch time right about now (yay extra stress). Sometimes I think I may just go back to a day job, but I’m sure the lack of flexibility there would have its own issues.
I struggle with the same thing. Especially when shit starts going sideways (like right now actually).
I’m too far “damaged” by being self employed to go back to working for someone. The flexibility makes so much of a difference for my mental health
Hope you make it through swiftly and with minimal damage. Thanks for the conversation
You too!
Checking in. How are you doing?
Short version: Not great.
Long version: I keep thinking the depressive episode will end, but it’s lingering. Unfortunately things have gone rather sour with the clients I mentioned above. I actually got pulled into a meeting where they pointed out that I’ve been rude and making their team uncomfortable, which was a weird eye opener, because I didn’t even realize I was doing that. I think I knew that things were getting away from me some, but I didn’t know I had basically lost control of how I behave in front of others, which is a scary thought.
Anyway, still dealing with the fallout from all that, but I’m hoping that with fewer stressers in the near future, I can find the time to re-center and get out of this episode.
Have you gotten medical treatment?
No. I’ve got regular therapy, but no medication. I worked with a psychiatrist about a year ago, but the first medication gave me a reaction, and he didn’t want to try any other ones. I talked to a different psychiatrist who also thought any side effects would be worse for me than whatever good the meds would do. So yea, not much I can do other than ride the episodes out.
If you have BP then it makes zero sense to not be medicated.
Yea, well, that’s the boat I’m in.
Maybe they don’t think you are BP or depressed.
I was diagnosed. I think you need to get away from the idea that medications just work for everyone. If that were so we’d just have one medication and we’d all be happy. If your meds are working for you, that’s awesome. Keep going. I’m envious.
I recommend you reconsider the idea that one medication not working means that all medications aren’t worth trying ;).
Sorry, are you a medical doctor? Because I am taking the recommendation of 2 of them. If you are, I’d love to hear more. If you’re not, then I think we’re done here.
