“The first act of violence that patriarchy demands of males is not violence toward women. Instead patriarchy demands of all males that they engage in acts of psychic self-mutilation, that they kill off the emotional parts of themselves. If an individual is not successful in emotionally crippling himself, he can count on patriarchal men to enact rituals of power that will assault his self-esteem.”
That bell hooks quote was the one that made me realize that feminism wasn’t just about bringing women into equality with men, but about protecting everyone from the violence of patriarchy.
My alcoholic mother slapped me when I was having a mental health crisis and told me to “become a man”.
That might still be the most emotionally hurtful moment I’ve ever experienced, though there’s some very strong competition.
Now, my father was an awful man too, but I honestly don’t feel it was patriarchy that guided her hand.
Certainly had to do a lot of psychic self-mutilation, though.
This.
Whilst traditional gender normes are hurting everyone (“be a man”, “smile more”) I really don’t feel that “patriarchy” and it’s evident undertone of finger pointing are the main cause.
I’d go even further and say that what people call “patriarchy” is really more of an emergent phenomenon coming from those underlying gender normes.
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Seems like it requires mental gymnastics to trace that back to patriarchy rather than human behaviour in a more general sense.
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I don’t believe the behaviour itself stems from patriarchy, I think it is just human behaviour. That’s the bit that feels kind of convoluted. But I understand that to the true believer, this is a matter of faith, so I’m not here to change anybody’s mind.
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The Will to Change made me feel more seen and understood than anything Warren Farrell ever wrote. It’s a must read.
Any chance you have a loanable copy?
Awesome, thanks!
