“The first act of violence that patriarchy demands of males is not violence toward women. Instead patriarchy demands of all males that they engage in acts of psychic self-mutilation, that they kill off the emotional parts of themselves. If an individual is not successful in emotionally crippling himself, he can count on patriarchal men to enact rituals of power that will assault his self-esteem.”
That bell hooks quote was the one that made me realize that feminism wasn’t just about bringing women into equality with men, but about protecting everyone from the violence of patriarchy.
My alcoholic mother slapped me when I was having a mental health crisis and told me to “become a man”.
That might still be the most emotionally hurtful moment I’ve ever experienced, though there’s some very strong competition.
Now, my father was an awful man too, but I honestly don’t feel it was patriarchy that guided her hand.
Certainly had to do a lot of psychic self-mutilation, though.
This.
Whilst traditional gender normes are hurting everyone (“be a man”, “smile more”) I really don’t feel that “patriarchy” and it’s evident undertone of finger pointing are the main cause.
I’d go even further and say that what people call “patriarchy” is really more of an emergent phenomenon coming from those underlying gender normes.
bell hooks explicitly address the violence women inflict on their sons:
patriarchal mothers who have rage at grown men act out with sons. They may either force the son to enter into an inappropriate relationship in which he must provide for her the emotional connection grown men deny her or engage in emotional abuse in which the son is constantly belittled and shamed. These acts of patriarchal violence serve to reinforce in the mind of boy children that their violence toward females is appropriate. It simply feels like justifiable vengeance. Feminist idealization of mother-hood made it extremely difficult to call attention to maternal sadism, to the violence women enact with children, especially with boys. And yet we know that whether it is a consequence of power dynamics in dominator culture or simply a reflection of rage, women are shockingly violent toward children. This fact should lead everyone to question any theory of gender differences that suggests that women are less violent than men.
Hoenstly, The Will to Change addresses every popular argument about masculinity I’ve seen, and defines and explains the role of patriarchy. Fantastic book. 100/100. Read it. I should’ve read it years ago.
Seems like it requires mental gymnastics to trace that back to patriarchy rather than human behaviour in a more general sense.
How so? Do you think that women are generally violent towards their children? Isn’t that in direct opposition to how women are often portrayed?
I don’t believe the behaviour itself stems from patriarchy, I think it is just human behaviour. That’s the bit that feels kind of convoluted. But I understand that to the true believer, this is a matter of faith, so I’m not here to change anybody’s mind.
This is not a matter of faith lol. I am no zealot.
I’m curious as to how you understand human nature, though.
The Will to Change made me feel more seen and understood than anything Warren Farrell ever wrote. It’s a must read.
Any chance you have a loanable copy?
Awesome, thanks!
