I need some advice from the internet;
I haven’t been dating for quite a few years now, but I’m finally in a position where I can think about this kind of stuff. I’m a chef that regularly visits my local dispensery after work. Partly because of the cute girl working there with whom I’ve been chatting quite a bit recently. Last week we stood there chatting for over 10 minutes while she left her colleague to help the other customers there. She says her and a friend are coming over to lunch at the place I work at next week. It’s not like she’s been giving me super obvious signs (or I’m just oblivious to them, which I’m not ruling out), but again, she’s super cute.
Is it appropriate for me to ask her out for a drink? I honestly don’t know if I should or not. It does feel kinda weird asking someone out at their place of work and I don’t want to put her in an awkward situation.
It’s not appropriate to ask a woman out when she’s working. Service staff get hit on all day and they’re just trying to work.
You can slip her your number if she shows up at your place of business and leave the ball in her court though. If she doesn’t contact you then there’s your answer.
I was thinking about something similar, but I’m of the opinion that straight up talking to a person is always better than just leaving a number. But yeah, I can totally see why it would be inappropriate hence why I’m asking for advice in how to handle this situation. It’s difficult, but I know I’ll regret it if I don’t ask her out somehow at some point
I’m speaking as a woman who’s been hit on at work. We’re paid to be nice to the customers and too many customers take it as some sort of come-on. It’s uncomfortable to be put in that position and you should be thinking of her comfort at her place of business above your own desires if you’re really into her.
That’s what I’m trying to do here yeah thanks for the advice
Good for you for listening, and good luck.
Just wanted to say I agree with everything you said. As a woman who has worked with the public for 30+ years I have never said yes to someone who asked me out while working.
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You will regret it if you don’t take your shot. It’s probably best to do it at your work if she’s planning to come there anyway. That would eliminate the issue where she’s trapped by her job, and let you be more comfortable, as it’s your environment.
However, despite everyone’s aversion to it here, it is perfectly ok to ask a girl out at her place of work. Just read the signs, if she’s pulling away, or turning sidways to you, looking around the whole time, just walk away. But if she maintains eye contact (within reason), is smiling, leans in, or makes any attempt at physical contact, then you’re good to go. It’s possible she’ll still say no but you won’t be doing anything wrong by asking.
Everyone here seems to be suffering from a case of terminally online syndrome.
Nah I’m against it because being hit on at work fucking sucks. I think you’re confusing being terminally online and things women have been saying for years but you only see online.
If a random dude decides to start hitting on a girl out of nowhere, I’d agree. But this sounds like a scenario that has developed over a period of time, which significantly changes the narrative. I met my gf because she hit on me at work, not all people are the same.
Totally agree don’t ask her out at her work. But if she comes to the restaurant why not ask for her number or give her yours.
Here is how to be extra. Tell watier/waitresses what she looks like. If she comes in, bring out the food yourself and introduce yourself, assuming you haven’t already. Then have the waiter/waitress just write down your name and number on the check.
You get a personal interaction so she knows your interested and the ball is all in her court. No mixed signals.
This person seduces.
Yes and do it when she is in the bathroom. Super romantic.
Elegant and efficient 👍🏻
A year or two ago, I got really excited about a comic book shop opening in town and got chatty with the owner. I decided to take him up on some drinks and a smoke sesh but we had two different goals in mind; I just wanted friendship (which i made clear to him) and a business I could give money to, he wanted to sleep with me. Things got super uncomfortable and branched into sexual harassment and I can’t go back to the only comic book store in my area now.
Comic book guy’s mistake wasn’t the act of wanting to get to know me or even being attracted to me, it was that I voiced many times that he was making me uncomfortable and i just wanted to be friends until it got to the point where I was worried about my safety around him. If you feel like there’s some connection, i don’t think it’s wrong to say “hey we have some great conversations, would you be comfortable with me giving you my number?”; it’s all up to you to be aware of what signals she’s giving off and how to respect “no” as an answer.
Agreed. A friend asked me out a while back, just like a casual “I like your company, how do you feel about going out together with just us and seeing how it goes”, I said I didn’t feel the same way but enjoyed his company. No more was said and it wasn’t really an issue at all. We remained good friends for a long while after that.
As long as your respectful, just asking is never an issue.
That’s really fucking sad for you. And creepy AF about the owner. You didn’t do anything wrong there, and you didn’t deserve to be put in that stressful situation. ((Hugs))
Why don’t you see how the lunch goes before you do anything. If possibly stop by their table to see how their food was. If the food and atmosphere is good, I think it would be very obvious at that point in time if she’s really digging you or not. That could also give you an opportunity to either ask her out there or give you another thing to talk about when you visit the dispensery again.
Also here’s a tip - if when you show up to their table, the friend decides to head to the bathroom for a minute, that is their way of giving you two some alone time. That’s when you should totally ask her out.
Ask herrrrr
But not while she’s working, it wld be cool if you came out when the dinner was over to ask how it went and then try to work on ur number or to ask her. That way it’s not her place of business and if she says no, she can just head out. No fuss, no muss
I am not seeing any advice already given that I disagree with in entirety, but as a guy with a gorgeous woman who I met at work (our mutual work), and a guy who is also oblivious to ‘signals’, I wanted to share what she’s taught me, and my thoughts on your situation.
We met when I was 36 and she was 39. I worked at a remote location, she was in the main office. My second week on the job, I came to meet everyone and do a day there to learn the ropes. We were the first two in the office that morning. I had no desk yet, so I was talking with her at her desk, and just being myself at work. Tech this, music that, what i did in my last job, how long have you worked here, etc. At one point, she asked me to show her something on her workstation, and I knelt next to her and used her KB/mouse, then stood up and resumed conversation from the other side of her desk.
Months later, she made her attraction to me very very clear*, and we went on a date. She spent the entire date teaching me, because she felt that I was an unfortunate casualty of my own design. I ignored women thinking that they deserved respect (which is fucking true, BTW, don’t forget it) and aren’t eye candy for the work day, to the point where she was sending me tons of ‘signals’ and I didn’t know. Like when I knelt next to her, she thought it meant I knew she liked me, because she loved my wrist hair sticking out of my dress shirt. But I was oblivious. She said she practically wet herself being close to me, and while I was talking, she only heard, “words words words arm hair, chest hair, beautiful hands,” meanwhile, I was like, “here’s how you get that information from the database…” work, work, beep boop. She still dies laughing at me about this.
I said people didn’t find me attractive or charming, and she laughed. She told me others at work had been checking me out too. What? Me?
We finished at our restaurant and stopped to fuel up. She jumped out of the car while I was fueling to show me the woman at the other pump stealing glances at me. I said it was my car she was looking at, and shrugged it off.
She and I have since moved out of the country on an adventure together, and she loves and hates my obliviousness. She says we ‘wasted’ months because she waited for me to act on her ‘signals’ and she was sad the whole time thinking she wasn’t my type, when I did like her, but I assumed that she was only being nice. On the other hand, she knows I’m not checking out other women (though she would love it if I did. What? She just likes knowing I’m happy, and thinks that knowing people are attracted to me makes me happy. Meh. She makes me happy. But I digress).
So I’m not advocating that you go against the advice here of respecting worker/customer boundaries. But it might be useful to examine if you might be similarly oblivious to genuine advances (signals). I never did anything to make her uncomfortable at work, and we ended up together, but she definitely wishes I had been more aware and asked her out on day one. I think there’s likely a way to ask your cute girl if you’re reading the ‘signals’ without being weird or making her uncomfortable. Lots of “I’m sorry if this is out of line,” and also, “I’ll totally understand if I read it wrong” to let her know you’re just confused and hopeful. Or hey, maybe at your restaurant is the right place! I’m on record as not being the best at this…
More funny deets: *The way I finally realized that she was into me was when she called me on my desk line and asked if we could just stay on the phone as long as possible, because my voice calmed her. After an hour or so, I finally (FINALLY) became aware the she was giggling a lot, and doing her best to keep me taking. She said something like, “your deep, sexy voice…” something, something, “makes me feel like a girl again.” Pretty blatant and obvious, so you can imagine the less overt signals I was missing if it came to that. Now, when we’re out, she loves to point out women (and guys) checking me out. She also loves to rib me about not realizing that her coming to work at my remote location with no justification was another signal. She used to email me the most random messages because she worried I was lonely at the remote location. She got a copy of my resume and used to read it at home and think about how “qualified” I was. She secretly recorded me singing to her after a date and played it for her family saying, “this is my future husband.” She drove 30 miles in a blizzard to my remote location when her office was closed to “get something done,” but then chatted with me until my location closed as well.
And I had no clue until our first actual date that the hours we had spent working together were so full of her flirting with me. I knew she was nice to me, and I thought we were friends, but I never guessed more than friendship.
Note: this comment may read like I am a male model who had no clue, but I promise that I’m just that way to her. I’m just her type, is all.
I just hope there’s some cute women out there that really like my hairy wrists (and total obliviousness) too
Dude, she’s out there.
I never knew some ladies love hair as much as my amazing partner. Like, I’m talking to her in my towel after a shower, and I recognize the glazed look in her eyes. She hears nothing I say until I cover my chest or arms, then its like, “Hey! Don’t cover up!” (Actually, she just says ‘chest hairs’ and I know what she means…)
She says its like she’s a 13 year old boy seeing boobs for the first time. Every time. And that’s how I feel about her too.
And I’m not even that hairy!!!
I’m going to go along with most of the other replies. If she’s at work, she’s being nice because that’s her job. I’ve had many men take that the wrong way, and it’s uncomfortable. Like dude, I HAVE to be nice to you. I don’t necessarily WANT to.
If you run into her in the wild, or she comes into your work, I think that’s ok, BUT be prepared to never go back to her work again. Especially if she says no.
If she’s with a bunch of her friends, I’d say to not ask them either, unless you can do it very quietly. Someone else mentioned slipping her your number, and letting it be from there. I’d say that’s probably a good plan of attack. Definitely don’t just walk up to a table with her and her friends and ask her out in front of everyone though.
Normally asking her out probably wouldn’t even have occurred to me. She said that when she’s coming over for lunch, she’d come to the kitchen to say hi. That’s kinda what gives me the vibes she’s not just being nice to me for her job. If I’m gonna make a move, it’s probably then.
I said this in another comment, but I think the best plan if you can would be bring out her order yourself. Then have waiter/waitress leave your name and number on the check. Real sly, you get personal interaction and don’t put her on the spot.
But it sounds like things are looking up for you buddy. Hope we get a follow up!
The comment about coming to the kitchen to say hi is important context. I’m inclined to agree with you, that she isn’t just being nice, with that info.
I definitely say go for it, but do it in a way that doesn’t put her on the spot, in front of other people. Good luck! Hopefully there will be an exciting update.
She said that when she’s coming over for lunch, she’d come to the kitchen to say hi.
This is kinda cheesy but I’d have said something like “That’s so sweet, but wouldn’t it be easier to just text me?” and then offer her my number when/if she says she doesn’t have it.
BUT be prepared to never go back to her work again. Especially if she says no.
I don’t think that’s necessary. Unless the OP is pushy and a creep just asking, accepting a no, and moving on shouldn’t bar them from the dispensary forever.
I would have reminded you of the power imbalance that might be there, but since you are sensitive enough, I would say you are fine. Just make sure she absolutely knows it is fine if she says no, and that you have another dispensery you can go to for a while if she says no, just to make things not awkward. Otherwise, go for it! You cannot always meet people you like at a bar or whatever people do these days.
//Edit: Wishing you all the best!
Yeah, that’s my main worry. Putting her in a awkward position. I’m fine with her saying no and it wouldn’t be awkward for me afterwards, just don’t wanna come over like a prick to her
Ya, I agree. If she says no (hopefully she won’t tho) make sure to give that dispensary a bit of a break, to let things cool down.
and that you have another dispensery you can go to for a while if she says no
This is an important point. When asking someone out, they should have the ability to escape the situation, if they want to. Both in the actual moment of being asked out and in the greater scheme of things. She can’t really escape, if she has to serve you as a customer.
It does feel kinda weird asking someone out at their place of work and I don’t want to put her in an awkward situation.
While I get that things are different across genders, my first date out of high school was a girl who asked me out while I was working (in fact, I’ve never dated a person I met outside of school or my or their work). My dad asked my mom out while she was working. Everyone meets people at work, it’s where we spend the vast majority of our time out of the house; and the same people who say you shouldn’t approach women at their place of work say the same thing about the gym, the store, and public transit.
I find that when (many) young women say “I don’t like it when men do X” (such as, “ask me out while I’m working”), they really just mean guys who are (1) way too old, (2) overly persistent, or (3) complete strangers. If you roughly fit within the “half your age plus seven” rule, and she’s spoken to you longer than she is contractually obligated to by her job, you’re probably in the clear to offer to give her your number and to let you know if she wants to grab lunch sometime.
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