i am a 36 year old gay non-binary transfem who only last year learned they are autistic and living with OCD. i have had ADHD since childhood and knew i was depressed and anxious since i was a kid. for my entire life, i have been subconsciously masking my behaviors and learning how to blend in that it became a default position unknown to me that i was engaging in. when the truth was discovered it was like a floodgate had opened up and all of my neurodivergent behaviors made themselves front and center.
i have always had impulse issues and paranoid future-predicting thinking. my childhood was completely unstable and i had to grow the hell up quickly due to the abuse and emotional neglect. i fought to get ahead, i lied to protect myself and my mother, and i had to make my own hard decisions without compromise. let’s say over time all of that became disordered and amplified by my autism, ADHD, and OCD.
well, to spare turning this into a therapy session, let’s say i haven’t done great for myself. i am, somehow, able to function (as in remain alive), barring that i am completely lost. lately, shit has been becoming more and more unbearable for me. as ICE nazis kidnap people off the streets and kill those who resist, as our country continues to set up transgender people as a boogeyman and erodes bodily autonomy and welcomes theocratic control, i find my country becoming more and more unsafe for me.
my mental health has been crumbling since 2024. the gaslighting from general society (go to work; everything will work out etc etc), the hopelessness on display (people pleading for someone to do something), the constant threat of escalating conflict… it came to a head last year and it influenced me to do something fucking illegal and i was arrested for it.
i’m dealing with legal issues for the first time in my life because my safety is at risk from the government i live under, and it has driven me absolutely fucking mental. i did what, at the time, made sense to my paranoid and impulsive brain. i was so focused on making sure i had what i needed that nothing else mattered. because what if i am caught off guard and unprepared? what if i must leave my house in a moment’s notice? i don’t want to need money and resources during an escape. i want it all taken care of as much as it can be.
my actions led to a traumatic growth period which ultimately altered my perspective on myself and my neurodivergence, but it terrifies me that it took something drastic to guide me on a more productive path. i have dealt with some stressful shit in my life and legal issues have never visited me.
luckily, my attorney is confident in a good outcome for me, so i am not too worried there, but my concern is ultimately with myself and my own processing. i have learned a lot over the last year that is helping me understand myself more, but i am still finding myself overwhelmed and mentally exhausted.
if anyone can relate, can you share your coping strategies? what do you do to try and ground yourself or remain mindful? i have no control, everything is merely happening to me and i am largely powerless. that is the worst feeling in all of this… feeling as though i have no choice but to allow this to happen to me, to us.
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The hardest thing to do is “fix the world” so you might as well not worry about that - it’s literally impossible to do as an individual. First priority is to work to make sure you yourself are okay - that’s not being selfish, that’s a requirement for you helping anyone else. Just like on an airplane in an emergency, you have to put your own mask on before helping anyone else.
After that, the best thing you can do is help those you care for or for a cause that matters a lot to you. Not being able to fix the world does not mean you can’t make a difference.
And if you can find ways to do those things, and find ways to encourage others to do the same, the news feed becomes a little easier to manage, because you are doing something and you see others taking action. And it feels less hopeless.
With our brains it’s very easy to catastrophize worse case scenarios and it sounds that like myself, you’ve been doing that your whole life. And like me, the times when you correctly anticipated the worst case scenario stand out, but the majority of times when we’re not right get forgotten. The most overwhelming thing is being in the middle of something awful you can’t control, and the only solution I’ve found is to try to keep engaged and active in doing what I can both for myself and others, and hoping that’s enough.
Sorry if this is long-winded but I very much related to your question and wanted to answer it as well as I could.
i appreciate your words, thank you.
I’m late to this party, but I just wanted to say as a recently diagnosed 47 year old cis man, all of what you described applies to me as well. Well, except the illegal stuff, but do I ever feel that urge to just break shit. If I did, I would probably only be surprised because I’m in the midst of what I think is burnout. I have some trauma, but nothing compared to what some are dealing with. I never felt like I fit in, even with my own friends sometimes growing up. The people that have stuck it out with me are also ND in some way, but right now I am struggling. But these are some incredibly difficult times for people like us. I just wanted to send my love and let you know you aren’t alone.
thank you, truly. it pains me knowing so many of us are out there. i’m glad i’m not alone. i am reading so many life experiences from other autistic people that feel like my own biography it’s insane. turns out i’m not crazy, just an autist lol.
burnout
yeah… that’s absolutely where i’m at right now. after learning about autistic burnout it’s been destroying my life for quite some time and has recently been at its worst. i hope you are able to find some element of peace. don’t spend more time fearful than content. that’s what they want us to do. live your life because you matter.
