For context: I am un-diagnosed but likely Borderline.

I have a friend (Stephanie) that I met back in late 2017. I started “crushing” on her pretty quickly. Asked her out once. It was declined and I accepted it. A little while later, I wrote an email explaining my feelings and asking again if she’d like to see each other (I am cringing so bad typing this right now…) romantically. (She’s 10 years younger than me and completely “out of my league.”) She never replied, and I took the hint.

We remained friends, and I started attaching to her as a “Sister.” I worked on it and compartmentalized, and eventually I feel like I was able to have a fairly healthy relationship with her and her (now husband) boyfriend. She calls me sister and refers to me as family. But there is a very distinct difference in her relationship with her blood family (as there should be.)

Things were okay until I started having relationship issues in 2020. I had to cut it off with Stephanie in mid 2022, due to not being able to manage (non-romantic) feelings. After a year, (2023) I felt like I was able to reconnect, and we did. My partner and I hit a big snag (Not related to Stephanie as far as I know.) very soon after, that we have yet to reconcile.

During this time, I’d tried to hold on to the relationship with Stephanie, but just over a year ago, (late 2024) I was so toxic to myself and her family, I pulled back again and went no contact.

She texted after a few months, again after a few more, and since October she’s been texting me about once a month telling me she misses me, asking me how I am, and asking if I’m ready to talk yet. I want to reply every time, but I haven’t yet…

I wrote this out with no intention to send it, but I think I actually got my thoughts out in a clean concise (not creepy) way.

Should I send it?

Ask me anything.

I want you to know that while I’m still struggling, I’m doing okay. I’ve missed you a lot, too, I just don’t know if I can handle this relationship right now.

It’s kind of hard to explain… I’ve mentioned this before, but due to my likely borderline personality; I formed an unhealthy attachment to you. Normally I can compartmentalize it and everything is okay, but right now with the issues I’m having with Emma it’s very hard to maintain the compartmentalization and I start to create these stories in my head… I don’t believe them, because I know it’s an escape, but I don’t -not- believe them.

It’s not romantic, but it’s not completely platonic either? It’s kind of confusing… I just want to be someone important to you. Like Family-family important. I’m not, and I promise that is 1000% okay. I’ve just told myself the stories for so long, and let myself half-believe in them so much that right now it’s really hard to accept reality.

I’m trying to get my life together, but if things don’t change with Emma, I can’t keep living with her. I might have to start over, and it would likely be in Michigan with my mom. I’ll reach out when I can, I promise.

I’m sorry… I hope you understand.

~GVA