Don’t give me ‘get off of social media’. I want practical tips that can be used when talking to random people in public places.
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Talk to yourself in the mirror to raise your Charisma score. Like The Sims.
taps the mic
…Get off social media…
Learn how to be honestly invested into people you talk with:
- ask them meaningful questions about them.
- aks them open-ended questions.
- ask them sub-questions.
- find a topic they are really interested and sparks a joy in their eyes. And go deeper. Try to learn.
- ask why question. “Why do you like this the most?”
For kids I usually go with what is your favorite school subject? Why? What is the best part? Why?.. For grownups ask about their hobbies. Why do they like them? What is the best part?
This is the single most important advice. This is about them not you. And it forms deeper connections.
Extra: Simple smile can really make a strangers day.
ask them meaningful questions about them.
This is absolutely right. To add to this, find a level at which they’re comfortable talking about themselves (i.e. don’t get TOO personal right off the start). It’ Ok to start off on some trivial small-talk, then moving up to their opinion about something, then more in-depth about why they have that opinion. Keep an eye on whether they’re starting to feel uncomfortable and back off if needed.
I had a friend who was excellent at this. I’m a loner by nature but I learned a lot by watching them just talking to people. They weren’t talking to them to get anything, they just enjoyed talking to people. That’s a great attitude to have.
This is some really good advice. People can learn more about some of these ideas by searching for conversational threading.
The thing I’ve found best to get people talking is asking intentional questions. As in, ask a question that you expect an answer for which might allow you to deepen the conversation on the topic.
For a concrete example, imagine you meet someone taking photos in public and you talk to each other. Asking a question like “so you like photography then?” Is probably gonna get an answer like “yeah sure”, unless the other person is keen to provide you more details. Instead, asking a question like “what is your favourite photo you ever took?” Or “what kind of photos do you enjoy taking most?” Helps the other person give a concrete answer with some prompt for detail. From the answer, you can then pick what is the part you find most interesting or most likely to be able to talk about and ask another question with the same mindset.
Hopefully they’ll also ask you something in return. If they don’t, you can attempt to share something voluntarily that’s on topic, but if they don’t engage at all it may just mean they don’t want to talk to you. In which case, end the interaction on your terms while it’s still positive and count it as a win.
Dont be afraid of silence. Very cool people will allow a silent pause and not feel the need to say anything. Awkward people get anxious about the silence and become visibly uncomfortable.
It’s cool, just eat a couple bites and take a sip, nothing wrong with not saying anything if nothing comes to mind that moment.
The problem is I’m cool with total silence all the time and not many people are into that, people seem to like to talk.
Ha me too, and yes people like to talk so they like people who listen 😀
There is of course skill to listening and giving follow up questions, but i think the key is to he comfortable.
If you’re stressed as introvert thiking "how many people are around, i wonder anybody is looking at me, this girl is cute i wonder if she wants to hook up, and does she want to hook up with me? Oh no she knows now I’m nervous am i biting my lip again? . . . "
Then yeah it’s gonna be hard to listen and ask followup questions, but if you can relax a little it’s not too hard.
One thing for me is i am mortified at the thought of asking a personal question and getting pushback. But if you listen to someone and they say “so i had to go the doctor this morning.” Ask them “oh what did you go to the doctor for?”. They’ll usually tell you, "well my knee has been hurting and then they said . . . " If it’s something really personal they don’t want to talk about they’ll usually say “well it’s a bit oersonal but long story short . . .”
Important thing to remember is that if anyone is chatting with you in the first place, they want you to like them, and if you listen and act engaged that’s even better. People aren’t looking for ways to shit on you like it’s high school all over again, and if they do, they just got something going on at home or at work it’s not about you actually.
you just walk away, you don’t have to see them in school tomorrow, if they were in any way unpleasant to you.
Thank you this is helpful.
Don’t talk “random people in public places” — head out into the world, and and engage with the world. There will be some people in those places, and some of them might seem cool or interesting, so say hello — or do something nice for someone. If they appreciate what you said or did, they might continue to engage further. Over the course of days or months, you’ll be talking with friends in public.
The point being the goal isn’t to corner a random person like a dating match. Be organic and open, and in time and with persistence, you’ll end up where you wanted to be.
You can absolutely talk to absolute strangers.
There are two ways on how to not be a creep:
- You start in a form of comments: Something happens, you comment it. More to yourself that to them. And if they respond you can continue.
- You randomly catch them looking at you. It must be random. You should not stare under any circumstance. Then you smile. If they do not smile back. Stop. If they do, you can repeat that a few times. And if successful then you can approach them with a simple general question like “are you returning from work?”. (Note “Where are you heading?” Can be considered creepy and stalker like).
At any point you must be attentive and if they are uncomfortable immediately stop engaging.
But this is a bad way to make a friend. Those are people you should expect to never see them again. This is just a way to make someone’s day better. This is never meany to be anything more than a casual conversation with a stranger.
Organic and open seems like the key, here. Thank you for this. This is practical. I like it.
To ask a dumb question, where do you feel you’re struggling when it comes to talking to random people?
Is it striking up a conversation, maintaining a conversation, or just generally trying to be more approachable?Being more approachable seems like the problem I am having.
The key is to get out of your head — thinking about what you want or feel — and take someone else’s perspective. How can you help someone without expecting anything in return? How are others thinking and feeling? What do they need?
You’ll be amazed at the difference.
Nobody is going to approach you. You have to approach them.
Perhaps stow away the things you use to ensure isolation. In my case, I wear earbuds everywhere and hum the song so those around me know I can’t hear them, ensuring no attempt at interaction will be made. I never look directly at them so they can’t wave me down or try to get my attention.
Reading this, it seems I gave a masterclass in the exact opposite of what you’re asking but it might make something click for you.
Thanks.
I mean grain of salt because I don’t have much of one but kinda old and married. Just go do stuff. Like my library has all sorts of programs and if I would easily go to them over watching something or playing a video game if I had the time. I do go to protests and meet people also “concerned” over whats going on in the country. I don’t have the cash for cons right now but can always ghost (go to the location and hang out with folks in the common sorta public areas of the hotel).
The worst thing possible: small talk
Practice with old people.
People fifty plus grew up talking to strangers for entertainment.
The drive by flirt. If you see a pretty girl walking towards you, smile and compliment her clothing. "Great shoes’ and keep on walking. Don’t look back.
On on that note, everybody loves compliments. “Great T-shirt” will make anyone’s day.
Team shirts are are good way to get people to talk to you, especially if you live in a sports crazy town.
Also, a Superman “S” shirt will get at least one comment a day.
Learning by doing - stop thinking about it and jump in the pool. I can list every boxing technique or give you a book on enterprise patterns for software development, you’re not going to read something and be good at it.
Join clubs.
Two approaches that basically amount to the same thing:
- Join some sort of organized activity.
- Force yourself to be social.
About the latter: In early 2007 I realized that my life was pretty lacking at the age of 24, mostly stemming from the fact that I enjoyed solitude a bit too much. Sure, people would come around from time to time (I lived Ina collective), but beyond that not much was happening.
So I decided that I would be more outgoing, in the literal sense. Every day I would do something, anything, in an effort to be the “instigator” for anything social. This could be pretty much anything from visiting someone I knew across town, to just phoning someone up to hang out.
The collective nature of my housing situation usually meant that I happened to be there when a party happened. However, after a month of just trying to be more outgoing I was actively invited places. This was all new to me. Suddenly people were phoning me to see if I wanted to do something.
I kept at it for a month. It was fucking exhausting. But it proved to me that it doesn’t really take much effort - all you have to do is to reach out.
In retrospect I think doing it every day is kind of extreme, at least for my personality type. But my anecdotal evidence stands clear: make an effort, take the initiative, and things will happen organically.
How does one find a collective to live in?
If you’re in the US:
- search for “co-op housing rental”. Sometimes these are suburban, but other times they’re rooms in a building
- if there’s a “food co-op” near you, then check out the bulletin board. also most food co-ops have some way to join, you can ask “by the way, do you know of any housing co-ops around here?” many/most people who work at a food co-op will be happy to point you in the right direction.
Ah nice, UK here but will try this
I don’t know. It wasn’t a true collective, but it was shorter to write than: I knew someone with a house and a room to let, and there were three others who also rented a room.
Thank you. This is practical I like it.
My trick is being open, interesting, and excited. Everyone has something to say and I love being someone to hear it. Couple that with my refusal to acknowledge the social feaux pas of Turing pleasantry into conversation and the fact that I look and dress like a cartoon and it’s hard not to make friends everywhere you go.
