I have been friends with this girl, let’s call her Izzy. When Izzy and I first met, we actually really liked each other. So much that we dated for about a year and a half. Things got rocky and then we were on and off for half a year, before finally putting the nail in the coffin for our relationship in June 2024. She told me that she saw me more as a brother, her best friend. A few weeks later, she would try to date this other guy, I will call him Bob. Bob and Izzy have known each other since middle school, and they even tried dating in middle school, and even shortly before I met Izzy.
So, seeing them trying to date again was like a punch to the gut. I grew envious of them, starting to become sour, but I never really took the time to distance myself. I hung out with them when they were trying to get things to work out. It ended up just being a horrible situationship and they ended up hurting each other. They stayed in touch, but did not talk much. I turned into someone Izzy could vent to, and I know how stupid I look doing that. I’m her ex, why am I letting her vent to me? But, I was her best friend. She did not have anyone else. Hell, even I vented to her because I was becoming more numb to the fact that we even dated.
Fast forward to May 2026. Her and I have only had 1 hiccup between June 2024 to now. I was, and am, completely over her and have lost my feelings for her and truly saw her as a good friend. Izzy’s siblings and I even grew extremely close while she was away at college. But then, Izzy texts me in a drunk state. She tells me that she is scared of using Bob as a rebound. I was confused by this text message… I do not know why she would text me about this. I texted her telling she should just go with her values and do what seems right to her. Then she texted me how I FEEL about her rebounding with Bob because she does not want to hurt me. That confused me a lot, because it is not my business who she goes out with, unless it is with my homies I feel like that’s a reasonable boundary.
After about 20 hours, she asked if I was upset, and truthfully, I told her I was a little bit upset because I did not understand why she was concerned about me if she was going to possibly rebound with Bob. Izzy said that she did not want our friendship to go back to the way it was in summer of 2024. Then I bluntly asked her if her rebounding with Bob would hurt me, to which she said yes. I responded with “You rebounding with him would not hurt me, but, I would not spend time with you guys if you guys rebound near me. I have nothing against Bob, but I still have feelings of jealousy that linger”. I also told her that if she feels happier rebounding with Bob, she should just do it. She cannot make everyone happy, and that includes me. I wanted to distance myself so both parties would win, she gets her rebound and I keep my sanity. After I told Izzy I would distance myself, she told me that she won’t rebound with Bob. That left me even more confused.
A couple days later, I check in on her and she tells me that she felt hurt by me. I apologized and even realized that I was blunt in my messaging and then she went on about how if she did this same thing to me that I would feel hurt and that she was very mad at me. Then Izzy and I started to talk about things from the past, complications, etc. A few days go by and she tells me that she is no longer upset at me but just really hurt. There was a lot of build up, and this was her last straw. She is hurt by a lot of things from the past, and she cannot trust anyone. She sees everybody as a threat and she is scared of being hurt. I apologized to her and empathized with her and agreed that adding more gasoline into her fire was not helpful. A few days would go by, she would stop sharing her location with me. So, I did the same, and out of respect I turned off her siblings locations on my end as well.
Realizing what I did, I feel like I should have of put my issues to the side and helped her with her issues, and then after we finished with her issues, I could have requested to receive help with my issues.
Am I the asshole?
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Make sure you are talking in person about this at a neutral location. Text won’t help
I wanted to do this, however she felt that texting was better.
Unresolved emotions popping up maybe. On your part and hers. Overall: not good she describes him as a rebound. Encourage her to look for a proper partner, not something that will be damaging.
To your part: I had a friend ghost me. Not sure why. Inquiries went unanswered and blocked. It happens. If she moves on, take a proactive step to replace the connection with a new club hobby volunteer activity etc.
Thank you for the advice, it means a lot.
This to me sounds like someone your life would be better without. They had their time and place but clearly you’ve outgrown them.
Hey there, thanks for replying to my post. I appreciate your reply, and I should also note that some of my friends, and even my sister, have collectively told me I should stop being friends with Izzy. They have read the text messages and they have deemed her as emotionally manipulative. I am not even that worried of losing Izzy, but I will miss spending time with her siblings. They were awesome to me and even threw me a birthday party. But, I guess it will be a new opportunity to find a new partner with a new family. It will also help that I won’t need to explain each time I go on a date that I am friends with my ex.
No
Half and half.
You say that you are over Izzy, but you also say that you have lingering feelings of jealousy of Bob / Izzy. There shouldnt be jealousy if you were over Izzy.
So, Izzy drunk texts and you admitted to blowing up. I would apologize for the way it came out, and then resolidify the current relationship. You seem to have done that. I do not understand some of the nuance, but direct communication cant hurt.
If you want a friend, then be a friend. Approach the situation not from the perspective of “I was right” / “you were right”. Just go be.
Friends have conflicts. If a person says that they have good friends that never have conflicts, then I would wager that those friends are actually acquaintances.
Thank you for commenting, greatly appreciated. You are right about how I shouldn’t have feelings of jealousy for Bob and Izzy because I am over Izzy. So, this might sound a little confusing but this is how my one of my friends explained things to me. We have feelings, and then we have attitudes. My feelings for Izzy are completely diminished. I feel no romantic attraction towards her. Every other guy she has tried building a relationship with after Bob, I never had an issue with. She would vent to me about these guys and I would actively listen and give her advice when needed. My attitude is jealousy, envy, etc. It is not as bad as it was 2 years ago, but there is still some attitude from that time period. That was still present when she approached me about possibly rebounding with Bob which is why I became more defensive and I wanted to protect myself so I wouldn’t hurt her or myself. I really hope that made sense and it doesn’t confuse you.
they ended up hurting each other
Honestly, when she was talking about a potential rebound, as a friend, that is what you should have talked about: does she believe this time would be better, and why? As a friend, you have no say in who she dates or not, but as a friend, you should help her to make the best possible decision.Aside from that minor detail: I don’t think you are the asshole here, or anybody involved, actually. This is more a case of a complicated history, and for one reason or another, now it boiled over. Things like that happen.
If you still value the friendship, then let a few days pass, then invite her to an in-person meeting. Start it with something you always liked to do together, following with a situation where you can talk privately. Then ask her about her feelings, wishes and worries first, actively listen, and consider what that means for the both of you. Can you help her wishes and diminish her fears without hurting yourself? And then take it from there, and good luck!
