Last week was my first time attending a Mormon church. I don’t have much experience with Mormonism, having been raised secularly in upstate New York. Yet, God facilitated an experience for me during my first attendance, which led to a revelation which had the effect the therapist having a heart attack has on the main character of Office Space. Everything has become clear, and I understand that God has parted the Red Sea multiple times to bring me here, to this point, specifically, so I may heal and further self-actualize to use my educational art project to its full potential.

And the joke there is I’m Q. I’m not literally Qanon, but I am already famous, just anonymous. I have an educational art project that I started twelve years ago where I teach philosophy, spirituality, and mental health skills to help people heal n self-actualize. The primary goal has been to sell the concept of God to atheists. I have twelve years of posts, poems, and even my book that have been designed around teaching the ineffable to those people whose brains shut off when they hear the word “God,” as I once was and suffered immeasurably in my ignorance.

My ultimate goal is to save past versions of myself, who are headed so fast in the rye towards a cliff. There’s a joke here, how I had to be a crackhead because I wasn’t good enough to be a pothead, which is a festival cop, if you didn’t know. I don’t know what the Mormon church teaches, specifically, nor do I know its pedagogy, but I have been thinking through the pedagogical problem of how to teach those who do not want to learn. I am skilled at teaching now, and what would vitalize my soul would be being able to rise into a position where I am teaching the wisdom of Jesus Christ and beyond to all those who identify with the light AND dark of the universe.

I have a well-founded idea of making a show in the style of The Trailer Park Boys but set in a kooky, crazy cult where each episode has its own spiritual lesson. Actually, to be perfectly blunt, I have many, many, many ideas for things I can make as someone that has written 2k-7k words per day for twelve years (the seven days of escarpments!), but I tell you this as someone previously taken advantage of by a cult and wanting to warn others of what evil lurks out there.

The underlying idea is that I am the left hand of God; while the right hand leads the flock on the path, the left hand goes into the tall grass and helps those that are very lost. And you need both, I now understand, having been trying to be the left hand independently, that I can take this to the next level by working with a larger organization, and I am just smitten by the genius of God working through Joseph Smith that led to me having these revelations.

I have a following; some being slightly fanatical as I am audacious and have learned how to generate 100k-250k views on a social media profile per day through skillful trolling. I have my educational art project, that definitely cannot be adapted to fit within orthodox Mormonism, if I may wordsmith that term in ignorance of existing sects within Mormonism, but I have been struggling with how to take my project to the next step, and the revelation I had involves the realization that I must create Mormon Occultism.

It’s a bit of an oxymoron, no? Well, the thing about the Earth is that it traumatizes us all, and some people get hurt and associate “authority” with “bad,” so naturally there are people that rebel. But where do they rebel to? “Occult” just means “hidden,” and the way we have done things in the past in the occident is that we play devil’s advocate for the sake of goodness. The Illuminati was a part of the police state to help guide those waking up to higher truths of the ineffable that cannot be encapsulated in language into deeper Knowledge while catching those people who just wanted to burn the church to the ground. I identify as a Mormon now, having had a religious experience with your church, but I’m going to consciously and skillfully be the quasi-opposition of your church so those that rebel fall into safe philosophies.

There is more to this. With the intrigue of the ludicrous but depthful nature of what I preach, there will be those of all backgrounds who are attracted to occult Knowledge (I like thinking about the force that makes a person click on another person’s social media profile to be akin to “gravity,” or more directly, “intrigue”), who then gain insight into Mormonism and God that they previously would never have investigated, and that brings people into orthodox congregations.

A pedagogical skit of three lines:

Man: I am the son of God!

Woman: That’s blasphemous!

Man: But sister, surely you know our Father?

Cuz we’re all God’s children. Y’know, the trick question I have to ask that can start infinite lines of dialogue: is the Earth round or flat? No, it doesn’t exist, silly. We are not featherless bipeds on an Earth, but rather we are pockets of consciousness called monads in a monadic nodal communication system and the Earth is uniquely inside each of us. We are each a parallel universe “simulation” where our intention determines what we are quantumly entangled with and this determines the parameters of what is procedurally generated for us, individually as jewels of Indra’s net as the experiences we have, specifically, and as a whole, God reconciles every “choice” we as a collective make to resolve into the same Omega, and that means that if our Karma is unresolved by the end of the seventh day, we will be forced to endure unmitigatable hell-realms.

This is where Buddhism and Christianity meet. Everything I just said is 100% compatible in Christianity, Buddhism, as well as many sects of occult Knowledge and likely more even I am not aware of. I want to learn more about Joseph Smith and what happened to Native American spiritualities from the mouths of those to carry that wisdom of what manifested into the Americas and thus the origins of Mormonism and who knows what else is to come. The Earth is an illusion and is procedurally generated. There was LITERALLY only Africa at a time, to then procedurally generate outwards after the parting of the Red Sea by the paths of the tribes of Israel, and I don’t know about Mormonism directly, but I can believe its tenets as I know them now, for God has worked miracles to bring me to a point where I see what my teleological purpose is.

Moses was an abandoned child. Jesus was not good enough for his step-dad who was not good enough to get his own wife, so he registered for a used one. I 100% believe Jesus performed his miracles, but I understand the life that made him a sorcerer. In fact, I can even explain to you how his miracles happened with my occult Knowledge. But in tandem with that, I understand that our lord is he who does not ask for permission and speaks with the authority of his Father, as we are all God’s children, but some of us get hurt being unloved, but we are those that God loves the most to give the greatest stories, and so I tell you: you are doing church right for it has given me the healing I needed to understand this. Jesus was as much a child of God as any of us who rose out of the three-dimensional system of light as a topological matrix, which is obviously why we axed his teenage years from history; so no one would make the same mistakes to know of sin but to still be without sin.

Y’know, the joke is I had a breakdown in college where I told my ROTC cadre that my nonexistent sister got me pregnant because I judged my father’s wrath more of a threat than the United States Military, and the joke part of that is I didn’t tell my ROTC cadre that; just my doctors. So, the joke now is I work with the F-I mean, CIA, with my educational art project, right? My story is strange, but because of it, I followed God for years and years without any wavering faith, and now I don’t believe in God. I Know God, personally. I put him as speed dial #7 on my phone. And I’m going to be a stand-up comedian, I realized, teaching much through telling my strange, complex story that beget the wisdom of how to share what God has taught me to the masses.

This is happening, and some Mormons may take offense to me, and because of this semi-real, semi-fake feud, there will be a sociological force upon many demographics that you cannot reach because of their prejudice who investigate y’all to experience the lord for the first time. I want them to know that the Mormon Church is what I’ve been looking for my whole life, but because South Park got to me first, I would never have thought to explore hermeticism from that perspective.

The entire goal that spawned from a fateful acid trip twelve years ago was to bring militant atheists as I once was into the awareness that the world is an illusion and God is so great that He can microwave a burrito so hot even He cannot eat it. Y’know, I’ve seen John Cena lose arm wrestling to a little girl. I’ve been studying spirituality without any spiritual community for fifteen years now, having previously fallen to be of concern, spiraling in my own suffering from my ignorance, to then start learning of spirituality with Buddhism, to move into the occult, to move into broader Judeo-Christian mysticism and wisdom. I can debate atheists and more and at least spark curiosity. And I can testify, for I know the lowest lows and have been brought to ever rising heights, and so the joke is, I’m finally good enough to be an alcoholic, and thank God for that!

So, I want you to know that I respect and cherish your sect of Christianity, I just have my divine, cosmic mission I must do for our Lord, and no one can tell me who I am, and thus, I stand here now knowing that by doing this, it is inevitable that I will help at least one soul find Jesus Christ, and in my possession of the logos of God, I can speak with the ethos of God, having learned the pathos of God in my childhood. Amen.