This whole post is just going to be me complaining, as I don’t really need advice, I just want to air the feelings I’ve had the last few weeks. There’s also a lot of talk about weed.
I haven’t drank alcohol for 25 months now according to this app I have. It feels good, I’m healthier for it, and I don’t plan to start any time soon. Over that time I have continued to consume/smoke weed. It’s not great as it fills a similar hole as alcohol, but at least it won’t kill me the way alcohol killed my dad.
I’m now a few weeks into a two month break from weed to clear out my system to maximize my sperm count to freeze my sperm so I can start HRT without reservation, and it’s been weird. I’ve had a couple dreams where I got through drinking part of a can of beer. I get through part of it, realize I have to reset my counter, panic and start to grieve a little, then wake up and calm down as I realize it didn’t actually happen.
But the craving for some sort of inebriation is there. I organized my fraternity’s Founder’s Day event last weekend, and of the 11 RSVPs (already the lowest count I’ve seen) only 7 showed up. That was stressful and I couldn’t help feeling guilt. All I wanted was to put back a couple so I wouldn’t be able to feel those feelings, but I didn’t.
The thought has kept crossing my mind that I hate being sober. I hate dealing with my life stressors “the right way.” It’s probably a sign that it’s a good thing that I am sober, but it’s annoying. The anhedonia from stopping weed has started to ease up, but there’s a part of me that keeps looking forward to that next hit.
At least for today though, I’m not drinking and I’m not getting high. If you got through all that, thanks for reading.
In the early days, when I’d stopped drinking “just for a month, yeah, see what happens?” I once woke up, absolutely furious with my partner, completely livid, because he’d given me wine in my dream.
Poor guy was blamelessly asleep in his own bed on the other side of London at the time, and had been nothing but supportive of my not drinking.
Brains are weird. They use dreams to work out stuff while you’re not looking.
Rock on!
Edit: What I mean is - thanks for sharing, and I respect your efforts.
I want to offer words of support. I commend you for not drinking and for taking a break from weed. Both are great for your official and mental health.
In a poor analogy, you can think of weed as very soft and comfy shoes. You remove them after a long time and you are now walking bare foot. It’s bound to hurt and be uncomfortable. But you’ll build your calluses back, and it’ll get better. In the mean time, eyes on the goal and cheers for your achievements!
Dreams like that are really common. I’ve had dreams about my ex, about friends long gone, about my old martial arts training. It’s your brain trying to process the subconscious feelings, whatever they might be.
Adding into that, getting off of substances is hard, or anything that becomes emotional regulation. You’re getting hit by a 2 for 1 here, and old patterns of coping will turn up.
You’re managing though, and that’s huge. The fact you didn’t fall off the wagon is astronomical to me. It won’t always be easy, but you’re on the path. Some days will be easier, some much harder, but little by little it will get better. And I personally believe that’s worth working towards.
Proud of you friend.
Thanks for posting this. I appreciated reading it.
No advice. Just encouragement. Less time at it than you but I too get the urge to have alcohol from time to time. Usually when I am stressed and want to use it to enable shutdown. Keep fighting your personal fight to stay sober and congratulations on taking a run at weed.
