I am the weaver of souls, the master of fate
The doorman standing at Hell’s awful gate
The visitor that comes when you are in a state
Of pestilential, existential, infinite distrait

But never fear for I am fair
A player bound by wretched rules
The game I play, I say, you can too if you dare
But if you lose, within here you will stay

So I’ll arrange the board, don’t be bored
For you’re soon to meet your end
Cause in my game your ending’s all but penned
So sit down and listen to my awful keening chord

You well did try to win this game
But I’m a practiced, well, old fool
None have beat me, you still tried all the same
So this fleece you may not have the precious golden wool

For I am the weaver of souls, the master of fate
The doorman standing at Hell’s awful gate
The visitor that comes when you are in a state
To reap your soul and leave the rest in infinite distrait

  • @ScaldartM
    2•1 year ago

    There’s definitely something to this! It almost reads like a bit of a nursery rhyme, and I find that incredibly endearing and fun. I do think it could benefit from a few tweaks, though.

    None of the content itself feels off; it’s just some of the syntax choices, in my opinion. The first stanza is really solid, which sets the stage for each following one. The first hiccup I find is line 7 (The game I play, I say, you can too if you dare), where I think it’s just a bit too wordy. You jump from quick 8-syllable lines to a massive 12-syllable line that doesn’t say as much as I’d expect from a change like that.

    Following that, I like the internal rhyme of board and bored, but I’m not a fan of the comma there. I think switching to an em dash would have a better effect: "So I’ll arrange the board — don’t be bored — "

    Lastly, I like the end stanza returning to the first and the change-up in the poem’s last line, but something about it just doesn’t work for me. I tried reading it aloud and something just feels off. I’m afraid I don’t have any productive suggestions about it, but it could potentially use a bit of retooling.

    I think you made good use of a varied rhyme scheme here, too. That is always pleasant to the ear.