I hope you all don’t mind, but it’s been a rough day for me emotionally, and I feel like I need some emotional support. I don’t have anyone in my life I can turn to with this, so I thought of you all.
I’m a guy, and I have/had (not sure right now) a female friend who I know likes me more than I like her; I thought I was clear with her my intentions to be friends, but I feel like I muddied the waters by being flirty and making jokes - that’s on me, and I own that. Anyway, I feel like I may have scared her last night by being too honest with who I was in my past (just details about past relationships and my lack of fidelity in them). I could tell instantly that her tone changed (we were talking over text message).
She asked me again what my intentions were, and I reiterated that I wanted to be friends. She says she’s good with that, but I don’t know. Maybe I’m overthinking it, maybe not. But it weighs heavily on me, especially because I don’t really have many people I feel like I can talk to and be open with, like I can her. So that’s the first strike of my day today.
On a less dramatic scale, I overslept this morning and was late taking my kids to school. They got there, a little later than usual, but still on time, so it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be when I first woke up. I work from home, so I decided to take a nap when I got back from dropping the kids off, and again I overslept (this time for a meeting at work). I was only a few minutes late to that, but it’s way out of character for me and I feel like that was strike two.
I had a doctor appointment later in the day, and there is a nurse there that I talk to (shoot the shit, as it were) and have been contemplating asking out. Nothing major really, but I don’t usually ask people out while they are working. But, at the same time, I know that a) I don’t see her that often, and 2) never see her outside of her work, and c) I was feeling a real connection with her. So, after a lot of internal back and forth over the past two weeks, I hyped myself up yesterday to ask her out. But after the morning I had this morning, I felt the universe was trying to warn me not to push my luck. So I had even more back and forth with myself (very draining, mind you). Ultimately, I casually asked her to a local event coming up, and she kindly and politely let me know she was already seeing someone. I wasn’t surprised or put off by her response, but for some reason I’m still kicking myself. Probably along the lines of an “I told you so” to myself. I’m going to call a ball on that one, because I think I was just upset from this morning, and this was just poor timing on my part given the circumstances.
So I go home and take a nap (I do this a lot) until my kids come home. I cook them dinner, which they loved (hamburgers) and we watch some TV and play a couple games of chess. Come bed time, my youngest son throws a fit because I wanted him to keep his door partly cracked open so I could make sure he wasn’t laying in bed when he should be getting ready for bed (he’s 8, and bad habit of not doing what he says he’s going to do, especially when he doesn’t want to do it). Mind you, I could not see him change, and I only had a partial line of sight to his bed. It has to do with how the hallway is lined up with his doorway. Either way, it really hits me hard when either of my kids get upset (especially at me). Steeee-rike three.
I know that none of the above is detrimental or super big deals. Even taken together, it’s just a shitty day. I think it doesn’t help that I suffer from long-term depression, have treatment-resistent depression, work has been super stressful, I’m in the midst of a divorce, and like I said earlier I don’t have a lot of friends I can be open with. Plus, I’m sure ITA in there somewhere. I feel like I usually am.
Anyway, if you made it this far, thank you for listening. Feel free to roast me; I probably deserve it. And I apologize for being pitiful.
One of the bigger things I’ve learned through therapy was to be kind to yourself. Whether you think you deserve it or not.
It sounds like you put yourself out there a couple of times and that takes guts. Truth is, we never really know how a risk is going to go, but if we never take risks, then we don’t progress very far either. From your verbiage it seems like you have low self confidence/worth. Give yourself some credit. Take some time to write down some things about yourself that are pretty cool. You’re a parent and sounds like you care about your kid, you care enough about yourself to ask for other support, you can cook and play chess, you have a job. These are not all givens. You own those things and I’m betting much more too.
As far as the romance situation, just from my own experience, I found myself asking out women that were “convenient.” Coworkers, people from high school, etc. Once I focused more on myself and stopped caring as much for a relationship did I ironically find more options. If you get involved in things you enjoy, there will be a much greater chance of finding someone that you click with. Join a chess club, do a yoga session at a fitness place, or even try something you’ve never done before. Try a cheap introductory dance lesson.
Just my opinions, take with a grain of salt. Best of luck with everything.
I found myself asking out women that were “convenient.”
I never had considered it this way before, and that makes a lot of sense. I do tend to gravitate toward the convenient women, as far as attraction goes. That shines a light on a bad habit I have of not taking (necessary) risks.
Fellow treatment resistant depression sufferer here (yay us). You’ll get through this. Rough days will happen and sometimes the only thing to do is ride it out and hope tomorrow will be better. I know even medicated I get those days where it doesn’t take much to start the spiral. Just take it easy on yourself and try to treat yourself. You are your own worst critic.
Also maybe I can shine some light on how your female friend feels. I’m basically in the same position as her (except I’m a guy) where I have a very close friend that I’m attracted to but they don’t feel the same and have made that clear. As it is I wouldn’t shoot down turning our friendship into something more but it’s not something I am pursuing or expecting because they have already made their stance clear on that and I value our friendship. There’s always the faintest “what if” thought in the back of my head because attraction isn’t something you control and it doesn’t just go away but it’s the same kind of “what if” as in “what if I won the lottery” or “what if I just quit my job today”. It’s a thought but not an active consideration if that makes any sense. And it’s certainly not enough to keep me from pursuing a realtionship elsewhere. Now I’m not saying that’s exactly what she thinks/feels because I can’t know that, but that is an example of how at least one person in almost that exact situation feels.
Hey, I noticed two things about your story, and I think they’re related:
- You had multiple moments where you were unsure of what you wanted to do, and that was heavy on you, and you made decisions you later regretted.
- You didn’t mention any emotions
Did you feel any of these today:
- afraid
- sad
- glad
- angry
- ashamed
- embarrassed
You gave a couple hints about how you feel. You gave a lot of self judgments. But you didn’t actually mention, explicitly, how you felt today.
In my men’s group we’d say that you gave us a bunch of data and no feelings.
When I learned to recognize my own feelings, it got a lot easier to make decisions in a way that I don’t second guess myself and I don’t regret my decisions. It’s quite easy for me to know what I do and don’t want, and that came from practicing the identification of my emotional state.
So out of the six I listed above, which emotions did you feel today? Which ones are you feeling right now? From that specific list of six.
You’re right. I didn’t actually acknowledge my feelings the other day. Hm, I was sad in general, and embarassed by my actions (both with my friend and the woman I asked out). I do feel tough on myself, because I feel like I’m repeating patterns I keep telling myself I do not wish to repeat. So for that, I’m angry.
As for today, I feel much calmer. Less sad, and neither embarrassed nor angry. I do still feel critical of myself, but in a lack of self-worth sort of way. I don’t know why. I feel this way mostly when feel alone. I’m not super great at getting out and making friends. Though, I did decide that over Thanksgiving, instead of spending it alone in my apartment, I would spend it alone in Puerto Rico. At least that way, I can get some sunshine, fresh air, and who knows, maybe interact with actual human beings. I’m thrilled and terrified at the same time.
I feel it’s important to acknowledge your feelings like you’ve done and it isn’t worth really roasting over. Shit an entire day can go perfectly fine and you can still feel like it’s a shitty day, it happens. I don’t think you’ve done anything worth critiquing to be honest. Even the asking someone out in their workplace, while I’m iffy on, seems like you did in a respectful manner. The kid thing, meh kids get upset at silly shit all the time which I’m sure I don’t need to tell you. Doesn’t make it easier to experience as a parent though I’m sure.
Which leads me to, are you currently seeing a therapist? Could have just a day that was pretty over the map or it could be some other issues made it feel worse. No matter how “not that bad a day” it was a decent therapist can help you untangle shit like that and even find deeper issues that you may have missed.
Seems like you’re juggling these issues pretty well though to be honest man so you should definitely give yourself a pat on the back. Especially the identifying your current issues and talking about them in an open manner. Definitely a good indicator for someone.
Maybe you should consider other relationships models for the future. Let me know if want any recommendations for reading or listening for something in a polyamorous direction, it might work out well for you and better than most people would think.
I’m not sure I understand where you’re coming from. I understand that polyamorous has to do with multiple relationships; for the record, I have problems getting even one, let alone many. heh. But how would that help me? Seems like trouble in my book.
If I understood what you meant correctly; You had mentioned that you had multiple fidelity issues (where you cheated on partners). Open relationship models sound like they could help in your case. As long as communication is clear in a open relationship (such as poly) this would not be a issue.
As they sound like trouble: they can be if you don’t do them correctly (as most things in life). But they can also be great if you put the work into learning about them.
