Starting in real and existential. John has a moment. After realizing he is outside in the desolation of his suburban neighborhood. Surrounded by homes but also pretty much in the desert lacking any human interaction. We learn John is only 13 at this point. I can’t even remember being 13 but I also lived in a suburb and hated it. There were people there but never my people. It’s never a place you belong, it’s your home. Though when I got into Homestuck I was in an even more isolated place. I was in a college dorm, I hated everyone. Having left what family and friends I could connect with in a city far from where I was. I was so very alone.

“Absence diminishes little passions and increases great ones, as wind extinguishes candles and fans a fire.” -Walt Whitman (it’s actually Francois de La Rochefoucauld)

Anyway after these dreadful thoughts John gets back to the mission at hand. He does notice a green package in his dads car. But he also sees one with the SBURB logo in the Kitchen. John has no choices left, he must face his father if he wants to get that package. Father is about what you’d expect. A gentleman with a pipe and a fedora. This was possibly from a time before the whole neckbeard thing.

The disguise fails pretty much immediately. I figured his dad would at least play along a bit but I guess not. This can only mean it’s time to => STRIFE! (Strife meaning conflict). These occur occasionally during Homestuck, interactive action sequences with combat.

This one comes with another classic piece of Homestuck music. We have 2 options Aggreive (to make someone unhappy and angry) and Abjure (to say formally or publicly that you no longer agree with a belief or way of behaving). Neither option works. Father has a Auto-Pastry and CoddleBrand which John can dodge.

That may be the issue in their relationship. There’s no mom figure and father has become a major coddler. I didn’t have this myself. But, the idea of a coddled child becoming isolated and weird is a bit of trope at this point.

Anyway, John is in utter peril, at this point. He’s unable to win the strife or Abscond (Run away) with the package. Father prepares a powerful move, cream pie in hand. I can’t lie to you all this fight is making me want a cake, but we must go overtime here and do 20 pages. A bold defense from John. He uses the terrible disguise to deflect some of the humiliation damage dealt from the pie toss. He manages to pull off a Accede (to agree to do what people have asked you to do) move to disarm his father of the large cake. This causes the Colonels Sassacre’s to pop out and trigger the smoke bombs. Allowing him to Abscond. He manages to get the red package, pushing out the captchalogue card and activating it. Also John gets the SBURB beta, and even swipes his dads PDA. For younger folks a PDA is a Personal digital assistant, or Palm Pilot. In the days before smartphones these were devices for folks to keep track of scheduling. Kinda rude of John to take that.

Even more rude leaving his father in the kitchen to clean up the mess as John escapes back to the living room.