Hungry on a Saturday morning at home? Long load times during WFH early in the day? This breakfast sandwich is an experience. It also takes practice, so don’t beat yourself up over something going wrong. It’s forgiving and can weather a few mistakes.

Take your English muffin—store bought is fine—and toast it lightly. We’re not done with it yet, so too much isn’t good, but it does need to warm through. Be sure you split it the right way: with a fork and some careful peeling, NOT a knife. This relies on a craggy surface.

While that’s going, start your griddle and grate some potatoes and add them and a little oil onto the flat top. (Alternatively, use the store bought stuff here, too. This is a breakfast sandwich, so who has time for that in the morning.) season that lightly with salt and maybe garlic powder or parsley or something and let keep it going on medium for a while.

Next, slice a little red onion into thin ribbons and halve some cherry tomatoes. Lightly seasoned these, let them macerate (ma-SIR-ate—-or is that only with sugar?) a minute to release some juices and throw them on the flat top right when you should flip your hash browns. Your English muffin should be ready now too. Snag some butter or a little excess oil from one of the other ingredients and drop each half on the griddle.

Take a silver-dollar-sized ball of breakfast sausage and drop that on the griddle too. Take a wide spatula and press down hard and slide off to make the edges nice and lacy.

That should have been juuust enough time for the English muffins to get a little crisp on their crags, so pull them to a warm plate and we’ll start topping. They get some kind of creamy tangy sauce on the bottom muffin. I do Chick-fil-a sauce, but you could do a special sauce of any kind. Don’t do too much zing here and the tomatoes will carry the rest later.

Your hashbrowns should be just on the edge of too crispy, so you can pull that too, on top of the sauce.

Flip the sausage patty and,—once that’s crisped up, but not cooked through— drop the heat. Crack an egg onto the skillet and use a spatula to work that into an ungodly yolk/white mixture. Its fine. You won’t notice. Let it cook for a moment while you move the sausage on top of the hash browns. It should be the right size, crispy on the outside, and just cooked on the inside.

Flip the egg and top with a slice of cheese. I use a mild Colby Jack that melts well and gets out of the way more than American or something sharper. Let it melt as is or dash some water next to it and cover. The sandwich is forgiving.

We’re almost done and it’s all coming together. The tomatoes from earlier—no, I haven’t forgotten them—get spread on the top muffin. Spread because by now, they should be a jam of delicious, tangy, sweet, slightly charred onion and tomato. This is the secret. Do nothing else and put this on any bread with cheese and you’re still winning. But, do everything else and spread this concoction onto the top muffin and you will thank me.

Add the egg on top of the sausage, cheese up. Crown the sandwhich and…. Wait another minute. Wrapping this will help leakage, sure, but u/@hrimfaxi_work knows what they’re talking about. Wrapping in parchment paper or even foil lets everything come together. Unwrap after a short while and groan and satisfaction at every bite.

A proper Ruben sandwich is hard to beat. I do love a good muffaletta too.

This is important, so I need you to close all the other tabs on your browser and quit all the other apps on your phone.

Okay. cracks knuckles

First, you need good bread. It doesn’t need to be fancy, but it should be fresh. Your grocery store’s bakery will sell crusty sandwich loaves. Pick one in your preferred size and shape.

Second, you need fat. Butter, mayo, oil, avocado, whatever you like. No Miracle Whip shaming here. But you NEED something to smear on the bread. It’s for flavor, yes, but it’s mainly to keep subsequent ingredients from making the bread soggy. It’s a moisture barrier. If you skip this step, I don’t know what else to tell you other than we’re not friends anymore.

Third, add meat now if you’re a meat eater or the most robust vegetables if you’re not. The only meat I eat is turkey, really, so that’s what I go for. But this is all personal preference.

Fourth, put cheese on top. Muenster is the obvious choice, but it’s fine if you prefer something else, even though you’re wrong. People overdo cheese. The amount you just put on there? Take half of it off. You probably overdid the meat, too, if you’re American, but I’m not trying to bust anyone’s ovaries over that so close to July 4th.

Fifth, layer fresh slices of tomato and cucumber. I like to slice them into half-circles and alternate down the length of the sandwich. It adds variability to the bites. Want more vegetables than that? Then put 'em on there. You don’t need my permission, I’m not your mom. But if I was, I’d tell you how proud I am of you. This is a good time to add pickles, too, if you’re a pickle person.

Sixth, we’re going to make a janky slaw. People get lazy and toss leaf lettuce on sandwiches all the time. I get it, but we can be almost as lazy and make still make a better sandwich. Shred some lettuce and grate some carrot. Add some sprouts and onion if you’re feeling frisky, then toss everything into a bowl. Now add a couple drops of olive oil and as much mustard as you’d like. Season that with oregano and basil to taste, then toss. Lay that shit on top of your other veggies.

Eighth is optional, but if you’re not onboard with this step you may want to consider an inpatient program. Chips. “Crisps,” if you’re Bri’ish. You fucking heard me. Regular potato chips are fine, but we’ve come so far already that such a half-measure is kinda disrespectful if you really think about it. I’m a fan of barbecue. Wtf are you doing?! Don’t lay them on there whole. Christ almighty, you gotta smash them up. Not so small that they lose their crunch, but small enough that they’ll conform to the contours of the toppings underneath. The amount of potato chip you put on is up to you, but I think an absurd amount is generally appropriate.

Lay on the top piece of bread and press it down. Don’t eat it yet, though! It’s gotta rest so the flavors mingle a bit. If you’ve got butcher paper or parchment paper handy, do what all the sandwich shops do and wrap it up. Do it nice and tight. You don’t need to wait long. Maybe 10 minutes. Once your sandwich is well rested, NOW you can shovel it into your gaping maw like some kind of starving animal.

Or you can do PB&J. Idgaf, it’s your lunch

You didn’t say ‘sudo’.

Bread sandwich. 2 toasted slices with 1 untoasted in between

PBJ. Classic and will never get old.

If you’re going to mess around with sandwiches, the best sandwich I’ve had is the Monte Cristo. If cooking isn’t out of the question then, take some shredded up cooked turkey, some medium thickness deli ham, black forest or honey ham. You’ll also need two slices of bread, slices of Swiss cheese or gouda, 1 egg beaten with a tablespoon of whipped cream.

It has to come together pretty fast, but the easiest way to do it is to toss the ham and turkey into the frying pan as it warms up while dipping your slices of bread in the egg mix on one side, when the turkey is getting warm and the ham is sizzling a bit. You know your pan is hot enough. Add some butter to the pan after you have removed the turkey and ham. Add the now warm turkey onto the non eggy side of the bread then a slice of cheese than the ham than the other slice of bread with egg on outside. Add it to the pan and fry both sides. Since it cooks so fast, there isn’t enough time to heat the turkey all the way through and by heating the meats first, they melt the cheese fast and you get a warm gooey inside and fried egg bread outside.

*I edited because I was so tired yesterday I didn’t bother to grammar check.

The day after Thanksgiving sandwich. It’s usually got turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes, glazed carrots, and gravy. Mmmmmm.

Can’t beat a reuban!

Tomatoes? Sandwiches?

I’m recommending my favorite ever cooking channel:

A Really Good Tomato Sandwich | Kenji’s Cooking Show

I’m a sucker for good tomatoes.

Edited to add: it’s super basic, lol.

I make my own seitan, and the recipe is extensive so I won’t list it here. But I do a thick layer of seitan on low-carb bread, a combination of vegan (violife provolone) and dairy (usually sharp cheddar, sometimes gouda or havarti) cheeses, and throw it open-face in an air fryer on the hottest fry setting like they do at subway. While eating it I add small dollops of a homemade sauce similar to chick-fil-a’s. It’s basically all I need. The seitan I make is phenomenal, and everything else compliments it so well. You don’t really notice the bread is low carb when it’s part of a sandwich, but it’s higher fiber content is both healthy and helps it maintain structure.

Hotdog

My favorite was invented by a friend of mine as far as I know. It’s a modified cheesesteak. Like a Tex Mex cheesesteak I guess.

Start by smoking a prime rib. The method is outside the scope of this discussion but I’ll happily share another time. Slice it super thin, season with SPG and cumin. We don’t smoke a prime rib just for the sandwiches, but we always have them when we have leftovers.

Separately, make some smoked queso. Again, this is outside the scope but don’t just do Velveeta and Rotel, make a bechamel sauce add your cheeses, and use fresh tomatoes and peppers, then pop the pan on the smoker to get the smokey flavors infused.

Pop some butter, onions, bell pepper, jalapeno, garlic, and mushrooms in a pan to saute. Once they’ve softened add the thin slices of smoked rib roast and cook for another minute or two.

Put the mixture on a toasted hoagie roll and cover liberally with smoked queso and a sprinkle of grated Oaxacan cheese. Enjoy your delicious heart attack.

Note: this can be done the poor man’s way with cheaper or easier cuts of beef (try it with a chuck eye steak which is several dollars per pound cheaper) or chicken, and can be done with Velveeta and Rotel queso that more people are familiar with. You’ll get no judgement from me. I just love it a specific way and wanted to share.

I could go for a fried egg sandwich right now

Grilled, mayo on the bread before grilling because the oil and egg make a golden crust. 2 kinds of cheese are needed, one must be spicy. Turkey and ham with sweet pickle.

Salty crunchy side necessary.

Coke real sugar to drink.

This is an indulgent treat for me.