why is so hard to act human? why isn’t obvious what you should say or do to be accepted?? :(
So obviously I don’t know you at all, and this might not be applicable or possible for you, but as some one who for a long time just didn’t “get it” and now feels like they do, some tips:
- When you interact with someone, smile and ask how they are doing.
Even if you don’t continue the conversation beyond “how are you? Good, and you? Good”, you interacted with the world, and had a non-negative result.
Being able to generate positive interactions is the first step to feeling comfortable in the world.
- Be brief. Listen more than you talk, but when you do talk, say useful or applicable things. Ask relevant questions to learn more and keep the conversation going.
When someone is talking, try to think of a relevant question based on what they are saying. They talk about a trip, “was that your first time there?” Talk about a hobby “what got you interested in that”, talk about their work, “whats it like dealing with ___?”
The more you talk, the greater the chance someone isn’t interested in what you say. The more they talk, the more you learn what interest them, making conversation easier.
- Small talk with someone is just talking about things you have in common. That’s why the weather is such a cliche but useful one, because it’s the one thing you know both you and that person are experiencing right now. Talk about things you have in common with whoever you are talking to, and it will increase the likelihood you have a positive interaction. And having positive interactions while fulfilling your own goals or needs is basically all there is to “human-ing”
Edit for SuddenDownpours valid point: when meeting someone for the first time where the other persons interests are unknown, I think it’s helpful to not launch into a long monologue on your favorite interest, which the other person might not share, but instead “probe” with brief questions on some general topics which might be of interest to most people and also yourself, and based on their responses either continue that topic or move to a different one.
Then if you discover a shared topic of interest, you should of course share your thoughts freely.
But even then, you should try to be relatively concise in your points. Don’t speak longer than a minute straight (and ideally closer to 30 seconds) without getting the other person involved.
Otherwise the conversation starts to feel like more of a monologue where the other person’s input is not required, which is boring to anyone, no matter the subject.
We should also bear in mind that not everyone does small talk, autistic or not. There’s no shame in being you, if you don’t feel like talking, then don’t. Awkward silences are only awkward because we make them so. After 40+ years I adore silence, whether there is someone in the room or not, if they want to talk to me go ahead, but I sure as shit aren’t going to initiate a conversation unless I am interested in them in some way.
O yea I mean you definitely don’t have to do any of the above. It’s totally normal now to go out and be on your phone the whole time and not interact with anyone in public.
I just meant the above guide for those that want to interact with people, but don’t understand how to do so.
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Be brief. Listen more than you talk, but when you do talk, say useful or applicable things. Ask relevant questions to learn more and keep the conversation going.
This is a useful tip for many autistic people interacting within NT communities, but it isn’t the ideal. Sometimes you do have a lot to talk about that other people would like to hear, and you’ll get stronger relationships with people you’re able to do so.
It’s hard to human-ate when it’s primarily neurotypical people who NUANCE a lot. Navigating through and learning all about things like Passive Aggressive ‘compliments’, double talk, very sudden shifts in mood/temperament, what some may consider insulting or not, it’s a big goopy mess and I, for one, don’t like it either.
It’s also difficult if you have a tendency to process what you hear a little slowly so that may take some time (audio processing is an issue for me and my kid both), and it’s also harder if you just… would really appreciate people not getting mad at you for not speaking the same dialect of ‘human’ as you do.
Sometimes, speaking via text can give you some of that breathing room you may need to think if you’re able, I’ve found.
It’s hard, and the tips that @A_Wild_Zeus_Chase gave are really good. When you find your friends that you can pterodactyl screech at as a means of communicating, that will help too.
Nitpick. NTs tend to pay a lot of attention to the nuance of vibes, tone and non-verbal communication, and much less so to the technicalities of what’s being said. Say something that is pretty much in line with what they think, but using connotations they dislike, and a good bunch of them will miss the point that you’re actually agreeing with them.
Unfortunately, some humans have bugs in the code 😔
Yeah, that’s the thing. neurotypicals have a lot of underlying meanings behind what they’re saying on the surface. Even I don’t know how to navigate this :s
