• @DaddleDew
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    1 month ago

    The more plausible explanation: If you charge for the use of a bathroom in North America people will pee in front of your business out of spite… And necessity.

        • I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.

          “Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”

          “What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?”

          “Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.”

          The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?”

          “Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”

          “Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”

          He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”

          “Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”

          I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.

          “Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t.

          “Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.

          “Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”

          It didn’t seem like they did.

          “Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.”

          Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.

          I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.

          “Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.

          Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.

          “Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.

          I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!”

          He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.

          “All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”

          “Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.

          “Because I was afraid.”

          “Afraid?”

          “Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.”

          I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.

          “Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.”

          He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me for arresting him.

          • experbia
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            1 month ago

            I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.

            this and the “train tracks out of nowhere” pasta are my absolute favorites, they never get old

            • lad
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              31 month ago

              Found that pasta

              CW: reckless cops get no justice

              that was a response for cops putting a road rage incident detainee, Yareni Rios-Gonzalez, into the car parked right on the train tracks, and got that car smashed by a train.

              The victim of their actions suffered serious injures, including 9 broken ribs, but survived, fortunately

              The cop who parked it, Pablo Vazquez, seems to still undergo trials, the cop that put the victom in the car on train tracks, Jordan Steinke, instead of Steinke’s car that was parked safely, was accused of manslaughter, assault, and endangering. What do you know, the manslaughter was dropped, so she was sentenced only for two misdemeanors, and got no jail, 30 months of probation, and 100 hours of public services.

              Being a cop is sure a tough job ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

          • lad
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            111 month ago

            That was a great read

            I’ll leave a link to the source, L.P.D.: Libertarian Police Department by Tom O’Donnell. There’s nothing extra, so you may want to omit visiting another account-craving site, though