cross-posted from: https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/13974203

Hey, so I [17 MTF] have now known I’m trans for a bit over 1.5 years. Still, I have only come out to precisely 2 friends and my parents, even though I am a member of several groups that are trans-supportive. I have extreme anxiety when it comes to that.

Some reasons that I believe are part of why: (CW transphobia included)

  • My parents didn’t take it super well and are kind of on the edge between transphobic and supportive. (They have a lot of transphobic views but are generally not malicious about it and try to use gender neutral terms for me most of the time.)
  • One of the friends turned out to be quite transmed despite being trans herself, and has invalidated me on several occasions for not having enough dysphoria at the time.
  • I’m scared other people won’t take it super well and I have no functioning support network.
  • I’m scared I’ll be seen as some kind of abomination
  • I don’t really feel like I “deserve” to come out since I haven’t started HRT yet (and my parents do not support me starting, so I have to do this in secret) and don’t feel like I pass well enough. I know I don’t need to, but telling my anxiety any of that has no effect

This anxiety is absolutely crippling my progress. It extends not only to coming out but also leaves me too scared to even make an attempt to pass. I look pretty fem already and have sufficient voice training for most situations, but I don’t even attempt to use that voice in public just in case it might slip. For this reason, everyone assumes I’m male very quickly upon me saying anything, which also leads to the anxiety worsening because now I’m also scared it was the looks and not the voice.

Additionally, I am non-confrontational to the point of fawning a LOT, which means I end up trying to appease anyone I have a conversation with even when there is no reason to. If someone criticizes the way my walls are painted for example, I will always agree with them to at least some extent, even if I actually like the way the walls are. This also makes coming out super hard because there is absolutely no way I will stand up for myself if someone reacts negatively. And that’ll of course validate them in their negativity.

As I’ve said, I have multiple groups that I know to be trans-supportive. But there, I am afraid coming out might still lead to disapproval due to me “not passing enough”. (Once again, I know this is a harmful way to think, but that’s what I’m here to fix.)

I’m on a waiting list for a therapist, although I don’t know how trans-supportive they are. I’m primarily there to help fix the anxiety and possibly get the autism I suspect to have diagnosed. I do hope they’re good with trans stuff too, but it’s not a requirement as I’ve already sorted the medical things out with slightly less-than-legal options.

So, my question is: Do you have any tips on how to reduce this anxiety and expand my support network by coming out in more places?

  • @PronellEnglish
    5•6 months ago

    So I’m not Trans but I live with anxiety. And I’m supportive of this entire community. I can’t imagine the kind of anxiety some of you experience, but at least I can offer some advice.

    That anxiety is one of your best allies and worst enemies. It’s told you for your entire life that something is deeply wrong with you, and now you’ve figured out why… but that doesn’t mean the habit of being anxious is gone, NOR is there no reason to be anxious.

    You have a habit of being anxious, so try recognizing when you fall into that pattern of behavior. Breathe deeply. Look around you. Keep grounded.

    My personal example goes back to the Obama / McCain presidential campaign, and my negative self talk was fucking terrible. Constantly telling myself I should end this rather than fight.

    And I read somewhere “How long would you stay friends with someone who talks to you the way you talk to yourself?”

    I made a serious effort to change “I should kill myself” into “I should kill John McCain.”

    I didn’t dislike the man but wouldn’t have voted for him. But I hated myself, so inserting that into my negative self talk helped me disrupt it.

    Dunno if this can help you or not. You’ll need the therapy, medication, and yeah, you’re likely on more than one spectrum. That’s okay because you are who you are and that is valid.

    I’m 50. I’m weird. I’m likely autistic, but why test it? I’ve experienced dysphoria and still do. I’m obese and not sure if it extends past not liking being this way.

    But I also like my life. I’ve built a network of friends and allies. And I’ve worked to expand that network.

    Breathe deep. You’ve got this. And you’ve got time to find your family. I hope it can still include your parents.