At first, it was simply a roast chicken recipe. Then it was everything.

I watched a man on YouTube cook the chicken, imagining what it would be like to taste it. Even if he had prepared it in front of me, I couldn’t have eaten it. Inflammation from Crohn’s disease had connected the tissues of my small intestine and my bladder together via fistula, and I did not want to pee out a roast chicken.

Instead, I was on a form of artificial food called total parenteral nutrition (TPN, for short). All my nutrition and water were pumped from an IV bag into my veins through a tube in my arm. Even though I had enough functional nutrition in my body my brain screamed, you’re hungry, constantly.