…ideally one that was both genuine and that you had the confidence and self awareness to interpret as kind. And for bonus points, what’s one you’ve given?
I’m thinking back to the guy in group therapy years ago who told me he always thought of people who swore as not knowing any better words, but that I obviously knew better words and just also swore and even used them artistically and that’s just really stuck with me. Sometimes I wonder how much of my self esteem has suffered not just because I’ve been told not to brag, but also because I’m extremely weird so the compliments I do receive often reflect that.
My bonus one (and I’m not sure how well he was able to take it) was that one of my fellow psych nurses was frequently and obviously terrified any time shit hit the fan, but that somehow still he’d never once failed to have my back. He’d be stuttering the whole way through an incident but I’d walk out of the med room with both halves of a B52 and he’d take one of the syringes without a second thought. He was literally the epitome of “courage isn’t not being scared, it’s being willing to face it.” I should find a nice presentation of that quote somewhere to send him because I’m not sure I phrased it well at the time.
I suppose I can awkward and as much as I have been trying I believe the way I talk is taken not as I intend. A good friend recently said I “talk directly but that’s just how I am”. Though I’m not sure how I speak differently than others.
I’m not much a touchy person outside of relationships so that could also seem less friendly too. I will say that I avidly go out of my way to not be in charge, I dislike the attention it puts on me.
I appreciate the insight though. It probably is a culmination of those factors and possibly some more too. I still find it hard to think of myself that way knowing what goes on internally haha, often I struggle just dealing with cashiers
I don’t like being in charge either, but when shit is actively hitting the fan, I’m often the only one willing to do it, and every time I’ve refused shit just hits the fan even harder so now I just deal with it.