Hey there. I am incredibly sad, downright depressed and mentally exhausted.
I wanted to celebrate my birthday yesterday for the first time (maybe ever?) with lots of nice people. I invited about 30-50 people. Some, I invited personally, some just casually through groups. Lots of those people I thought of as somehow close and friendly.
I exhausted myself in the effort of preparing the party, I rented a room, I prepared photos, activities, food, music, and just put a lot of mental energy into the planning. I have been planning it for about 2 months, invited those who were most important to me back then even.
5 people showed up.
I am devastated. I was always so anxious about my birthday and never celebrated it. I think I removed myself from groups a lot in my life. And only the last two years, I’ve started to understand my diagnosis and how to communicate with people. This throws all my anxiety and pain back into my body and brain.
I don’t know how to deal with it. Especially I don’t know how to interact with the people that were important to me and who didn’t show (or those who didn’t even cancel). My past behaviour was burning down all the bridges. I don’t think I should do that. But I also don’t know how to pretend like it doesn’t hurt…
Any advice about rejection anxiety and … well, real rejection?
Thank you.
I can’t even tell you how many times I tried to put together a big event and had two or three people there.
For my 21st birthday, I didn’t even do the planning, my best friend had invited all our favorite people that we worked with and went to school with. He made plans for someone to drive us around and a list of the local bars that he wanted me to visit. In the end, it was me, that friend, and my girlfriend. We sat in a dive bar for about two hours until my girlfriend took us home because she wasn’t feeling great and didn’t drink.
That’s probably not even the worst one. I’ve had so many nights just sitting and waiting for everyone to arrive only to entertain the same two people that I hang out with every day.
I don’t have any great tips for you, because I don’t try to do things like that anymore, but I understand how you feel, and it just really sucks. Sorry it fell apart like that. Take a day to focus on you and I hope you feel better.
I am sorry for you, too.
I try to take solace from many people feeling the same. But it all collects. There’s lots of people who feel a similar way and they can’t ever get together, because that’s exactly what we’re not capable of…