Hey there. I am incredibly sad, downright depressed and mentally exhausted.

I wanted to celebrate my birthday yesterday for the first time (maybe ever?) with lots of nice people. I invited about 30-50 people. Some, I invited personally, some just casually through groups. Lots of those people I thought of as somehow close and friendly.

I exhausted myself in the effort of preparing the party, I rented a room, I prepared photos, activities, food, music, and just put a lot of mental energy into the planning. I have been planning it for about 2 months, invited those who were most important to me back then even.

5 people showed up.

I am devastated. I was always so anxious about my birthday and never celebrated it. I think I removed myself from groups a lot in my life. And only the last two years, I’ve started to understand my diagnosis and how to communicate with people. This throws all my anxiety and pain back into my body and brain.

I don’t know how to deal with it. Especially I don’t know how to interact with the people that were important to me and who didn’t show (or those who didn’t even cancel). My past behaviour was burning down all the bridges. I don’t think I should do that. But I also don’t know how to pretend like it doesn’t hurt…

Any advice about rejection anxiety and … well, real rejection?

Thank you.

  • @RBWellsEnglish
    1•17 hours ago

    It is kind of tough to make friends as an adult. My kids tease me that I have a husband and relatives and coworkers but not friends. That’s not quite true, I keep up with one former coworker by text and occasional visit, and a couple of coworkers are friends, like we go to concerts together, they come for Thanksgiving. But really, two “sticky” people in so many years and one of them is just really good at making friends, that’s not me, he collects people. I do have an enormous family though, and only so much bandwidth.

    Are you lonely in fact, or just feel some sort of pressure to have a large group of friends? To me it sounds exhausting, I am happy with having a very small set. Friends who come from former lovers are real friends, I don’t think you need to qualify that. If you feel understimulated but not lonely, just saying yes to things and extending some offers works pretty well. 5 people is a good gathering as long as it’s what you were expecting, though I do think 30 would have been fun in a different way (we have a massive chaotic Thanksgiving here and I love it) and understand that’s disappointing.

    I think we each have some limited capacity for close relationships, I really had only one close friend from middle school and one more from high school, and now a husband, my attention seems to be good for one close relationship only and I’m ok with it.

    ETA: the one event I can reliably get coworkers to is a happy hour after work on a Friday. My house is near the office so we have had them here, I can even get them to invite their spouses and girlfriend/boyfriend/close friend to those. Partly because I make absolutely delicious drinks and they know that, but also the convenience.