I can’t seem to shake imposter syndrome or doubts about whether I’m “trans” or whether I’m a woman, etc.
Just wondering what you all do when you feel that way, if you have any recommendations?
It makes me feel awful, there is so much commitment to a transition it feels like you have to be certain, but I just don’t have constant certainty.
Sometimes I’ll sit down and try to analyze it objectively, basically considering the “null hypothecis” - if I am not trans, then I would be cis, if I were cis then a certain set of things would be true (like, estrogen would probably not feel so great, testosterone would not make me depressed, etc.).
I used to think I was a cis guy :-) I guess many trans women have thought that. I didn’t really question my sex or gender that much either, if anything I actively avoided doing that. I knew I was a bit non-conforming in my gender, I wasn’t the manliest man, so I felt insecure in my masculinity and tried to compensate in various ways.
And when I first transitioned, the intense doubts at first made me think I was non-binary (in-between), but what helped me realize that was unlikely is that there was nothing about masculinity that felt affirming or good to me, and nothing about femininity that feels off or wrong to me. I truly wish I had been born a cis woman, and I have long felt that being a woman is the best thing you can be (even when I thought I was a cis man).
Yup, those are thoughts that don’t occur to me, not that there is anything wrong with them, either way of course. I too wish you were born in your body of choice. I however support your transition into the person you wish to be, kind stranger. I desperately hope you live in an area where bigotry isn’t prevalent, and you can be safe with who you are. I genuinely wish you the best, and may you live an long and happy life.
Sorry, I don’t mean to talk about my self-conception as a cis guy as a way to cast doubt of your own identity, I only bring it up because I would have previously said the same and I haven’t been able to rely on something like not questioning or not experiencing common trans things as a guide as to whether I’m cis or trans. It took me many years and the conditions in my life had to support that process of realization, and honestly even if I had the right information if it had come at the wrong time I would have found ways to rationalize not transitioning or considering myself trans in the first place. Looking back it feels like I’ve been trying to “come-out” as trans my whole life, and every time it has been shut down (sometimes with violence).
Unfortunately I don’t live in a safe place, and I honestly should probably move, but it is difficult to do. I have been denied access to gender affirming care where I live, and I live in a place with some of the most restrictive anti-trans laws in the country. That said, I am used to it, and while other trans people are afraid to even catch connecting flights where I live, this place feels normal to me and I try to live a normal life as best I can.
That said, I appreciate your well-wishes, I wish a long and happy life for you as well! ❤️
Don’t know how to quote, but I didn’t take anything you said as a way to cast doubt on my identity fwiw! I’m hope the elections go well so that you can continue to be relatively safe. So far it seems pretty good up here in the great white north. If SHTF I welcome all my 2SLGBTQIA+ homies up here!
Ah, glad you didn’t take it that way, just wanted to be clear.
Thanks for the well wishes! If you’re in Canada, I think the current treaties prevent me from seeking asylum there without first seeking asylum in other states like California. However, if the federal elections go poorly, maybe there will be a case for granting that asylum. Still, things will have to be pretty bad before I act, so it is likely to be too late by the time I need to flee. If I had money, I would have said the writing is on the wall and left already.
Stay safe friend.