Hi everyone, I’m currently going thru a breakup with someone that seems to be a narcissist (no diagnosis but their behaviour seems to point that she is) and I think is the first time I dealt with someone like that.
We had a fallout after she had an argument with her family and friends during a party that I attended to at her place, she stormed out of her place completely drunk and left me there in a weird position, her friends where bitter and told me things about her and it matched with things I saw by myself but wasn’t sure so I didn’t make a big fuss about them and that broke me completely since I’m deeply in love with her.
Her friends and I just stopped talking to her after her rude behavior and actually expected her to apologize to me or give me an explanation but she didn’t budge and just kept on partying and not talking at all to me for almost a week and whene she did talk was to tell me that how did I dare to distrust her.
She has been on and off with me and calls me in the middle of the night piss drunk to tell me she loves me and that she misses me and then she’ll go cold again, we’ll spend a night together and then cold again and that’s driving me mad since I already tend to overthink everything or day dream a lot and is literally torture in my brain I cannot take the thoughts out of my head since I’m hyper focusing on that only and is making me feel a lot of pain and solitude.
Have you ever dealt with a situation like this? Are narcissists attracted to ADHD folk? Do you have any ideas or strategies that have worked for your to bring yourself back to a more normal state?
Thanks in advance for your responses
Edit: I wanted to ad as well that she’s a transgender woman and I had a crush on her since I was a teenager (she’s kinda popular on social media in my country) she actually made me realize that I liked trans girls and somehow we bumped into each other again now that I’m an adult but now I’m having these thoughts that I might not find someone that understands me and she made me feel like an outcast again, I introduced her to my family and made it clear that I fell in love of her goofy moments in privacy and her eyes it was never a sexual thing like really was pure but now I’m totally shattered I’ve been drinking every weekend in order to catch some sleep and it’s scaring me a lot
Does the following sound familiar when she’s done something that you know was wrong and you confronted her?
That’s called The Narcissist’s Prayer. Narcissists are incapable of ever accepting that they’re to blame for anything. You will always be miserable in a relationship with such a person.
There is, however, a kind of protective narcissism that can be removed if you treat a person gently.
The society (some family members included) may treat schizophrenics, autistic people with PDA, others harshly enough (pressuring them to be “normal”) that they develop this thing, that may seem very similar to narcissism.
EDIT: Putting it a bit differently - if a person is kind to animals, there are likely not narcissist, but may be pseudo-narcissist. If they can’t do something you ask of them, it may be PDA. If they can do something kind involving sacrifices on their own, but suddenly can’t when you put that as some expectation - then they are traumatized and the problem may not be with them.
I mean she has a dog and she pays for his food and all, but her mom is actually the one taking care of it she won’t feed him or shower him, she’ll just be with him when she’s going to sleep.
From what I gathered from her mom is that she has like a fear of expectations and compromises, like to give more context about her she’s a quite accomplished make up artist she actually makes a pretty penny out of it and she supports her family and all so quite ok in that regard. Now, once she had this conversation with my mom (my family owns a few businesses so we have ok money) and she wanted to put money down to grow my partner’s business since she was getting into the family in a serious way, she was flattered and told me the whole thing and I told her it sounded great and I was going to help her to set everything up tho it was going to envolve a few years for it to run by itself, to what she replied “oh I don’t want the responsibility” and I mean maybe I’m overeaching but she’s like that with anything that involves her sacrificing time or putting the effort since she knows she won’t be able to drink everyday anymore or be all pretty all the time.
sometimes I feel that because she sae my family had a bit of wealth instantly she was going to get a house and a car for me and her and like we’ve been together for 8 months like it’s kinda unrealistic at least in my books plus is my families money not only mine.
Hurt people hurt people. Past trauma informs how we interact sure, but it doesn’t excuse perpetuating that cycle upon others. A lover isn’t required to be a therapist or a parent.
I know. I’ve just known a real narcissist. The difference is that with a pseudo-narcissist (like my mom) there usually is some way to avoid triggering their trauma. With a real narcissist (like that girl) there really is none.
Of course there’s nuance. I was just sharing what I’ve had to learn is all. I hope your relationship with your mom is good or better than it was in the past. If that’s what you want or if that works for y’all.
Yes definitely some of the things there are of the ones she’ve said to me. At the beginning I couldn’t tell if I was right or wrong to be honest since (and I’ll get a bit personal here) the first time we had an issue was over some random girl that she deemed less (she actually said she was a whore) told her that she dated me for a short while and she was trying to frame me as disgusting over that and that how I never told her I dated that girl, thanks to ADHD and being a bit of a neofite in relationships I assumed I was in the wrong for not being totally open over that, but now I know it is not normal to have to talk who I dated before hell I never asked who she dated previously cause I truly don’t care.
I’m so scared that now I’m in for a ride since she’ll be leaving to Europe for a beauty pageant and the thought that she might find someone “better” than me ticks my rejection fears and hypersensitivity the wrong way.