I hate that one of them is interested in dating me and jokes often about me being his future wife. I like him a lot but I’m not good enough for him or worth anyone’s time. I’m scum. I know he’d be sad if I died but I think he’s better off without me. The others usually see me happy and would probably be shocked that I died. I probably shouldn’t care since I wouldn’t be there to see them sad. I don’t know. Even though my life got much better 3 years ago, I don’t see it improving any more than that. It’ll go downhill if I don’t cut my losses soon. I really give up on everything. I’ll be a horrible wife and mother, worse than I already am as a friend and a person. I’m ruined beyond repair, end me
I thought about it. I don’t even know. I’ve had bad experiences and horrible views that I sometimes regress into but I’m actively trying to better myself. I just hate myself a lot
Sounds less scum and more human. Mind you, humans tend to be shitty, but it takes more than the usual bullshit to merit a term that removes the human entirely, the way scum does.
When it comes right down to it though, hate can motivate like little else when it comes to self improvement. If you suck, and you’re working on your shit, that’s all anyone can do. It’s better than most people tbh, because most people suck but won’t admit it and work on it.
Like, I’m not trying to talk you out of hating yourself, you know you better than anyone else. I’m just saying that, objectively, someone that’s working on their asshole parts is usually not as bad as someone that’s got the same asshole parts and isn’t working on it.
Truth is that the kind of person that can hate themselves at all tends to not be as bad as they think simply by virtue of being willing to take a hard look at themselves and say “wtf, dude, that’s not fucking okay”.
The problem comes in when that hard look and evaluation aren’t accurate. It’s so damn easy to under or over estimate exactly how much of an asshole you are. Same way people suck at judging how attractive they are, or how smart they are. Trying to pin down exactly how much of a douche you are is difficult. There’s always a margin of error, and most people go well beyond that margin.
You see what I mean? You may be an asshole, or have a severe narcissistic streak, or whatever it is that brings on the self hate. But it’s unlikely your evaluation of the degree is right. Way it usually works is that the people that think they’re great suck deeply, and vice versa, but sometimes the typical, run-of-the-mill average Joe thinks they’re worse or better too. Nobody likes to think they’re just average asshole for some reason.