The only time I’ve ever really felt suicidal was when I was on antidepressants. Then it was more just feeling insignificant, like one of a bajillion people on the Earth and if I die that’s just part of the natural turnover. I’m impulsive and quick to anger, so I know that I can’t own a gun. I have a lot of thoughts of destruction that i try to keep in check - holding a stack of plates at a friend’s house and want to drop them, what if I put my wedding ring in the garbage disposal, If there’s a car stopped on a bridge and I hit it will it go over, I’m afraid of heights because I want to push. When I was a kid, the thing I first noticed was sometimes wishing for bad things to happen- and that’s what I now think of as self-sabotage. Is it worse to have a car accident or go to work? If I get a letter from the IRS, am I more excited if it’s a check or a bill? Either way, if I throw it away, will they send another?