I can’t understand how getting in an argument with a family member cannot be solved by explaining my side then listening to their side so everyone’s on the same page. I think this is why it’s sometimes said women want someone to listen whereas men want to solve the issue. I cannot understand not trying to solve the issue. If I think I was right or logical then I want to explain it but I also want to hear the other party and arrive at a middle ground then hug. That never works and I cannot get it.
It seems to me that you’re very focused on the end result of ‘issue is solved’ potentially without understanding and/or acknowledgement of the other person’s efforts to solve the issue on their own.
Of course they should take the time to reciprocate when you’re the one seeking resolution.
Listening to someone and allowing them time to vent to their own conclusion is to take part of their emotional journey. They may want your solutions eventually, but they want to have the human connection of going through that journey together so that way you have all the context for their feelings/stress.
People don’t come to others for help and want to defend their previous actions. They just want to say that they’re frustrated, this is what they did, this is what happened, and maybe that’s all they want. Listening = validation of the human experience. Maybe after venting, they’ll want some solutions.
Personally I have a hard time telling if someone wants a venting session or a solutions session. So I just straight up ask what they need and if they’ll want to check in on the solutions after venting.
This saves you the emotional labor required to try to help someone that doesn’t want it and keeps the chance of frustration/unfulfillment low for both parties
Family though is a mixed bag. Unless both parties are operating under the same expectations, it’ll lead to what you described. Understandable that you just don’t get it since the fault is not on you
It seems to me that you’re very focused on the end result of ‘issue is solved’ potentially without understanding and/or acknowledgement of the other person’s efforts to solve the issue on their own.
Of course they should take the time to reciprocate when you’re the one seeking resolution.
I guess I am focused on the issue being solved but only for everyone.
Listening to someone and allowing them time to vent to their own conclusion is to take part of their emotional journey. They may want your solutions eventually, but they want to have the human connection of going through that journey together so that way you have all the context for their feelings/stress.
People don’t come to others for help and want to defend their previous actions. They just want to say that they’re frustrated, this is what they did, this is what happened, and maybe that’s all they want. Listening = validation of the human experience. Maybe after venting, they’ll want some solutions.
This is insightful!
Personally I have a hard time telling if someone wants a venting session or a solutions session. So I just straight up ask what they need and if they’ll want to check in on the solutions after venting. This saves you the emotional labor required to try to help someone that doesn’t want it and keeps the chance of frustration/unfulfillment low for both parties
That’s a great method. I guess I can’t tell as well.
Family though is a mixed bag. Unless both parties are operating under the same expectations, it’ll lead to what you described. Understandable that you just don’t get it since the fault is not on you
Yeah family can sometimes be the hardest especially when emotions are high, no one acts with reason.
In some of those situations, you can “solve” what you think is the problem, but it’s impossible for her to explain the aspects that make your “solution” inadequate. Your life experience is just so different, you think you understand but you don’t. And that just upsets her more. Women aren’t against solutions, they’re just done with men not actually understanding, even when they think they’re listening.
Thanks for your reply. What is the solution then beyond listening and trying to solve the issue? If I cannot experience what they experience, what can be done?
It starts with acknowledging to them that you’re beginning to realize that your view of reality is different, shaped by your experience, and you can’t viscerally understand theirs, but you want to try. That the burden of explanation shouldn’t be on them, but you appreciate when they are willing to do so. This part should initially be done when you’re not in the middle of arguing/discussing. But in your own mind you should return to it when you are, and ask yourself, and then her, “what am I missing or misunderstanding, what context am I not seeing to help me better hear what she’s saying?”
And if she gives up, doesn’t want your solution, realize that your empathy may be all the solution she’s looking for from you. Especially if it’s something external, like a problem with her boss. You telling her what you think she should do about it would just add pressure on her, and probably wouldn’t fit with all the nuances of their dynamic. (Just an example) Instead, reminding her you have faith in her strength and intelligence will help her respond in ways that feel right to her, even if it’s not how you would have handled it.
I can’t understand how getting in an argument with a family member cannot be solved by explaining my side then listening to their side so everyone’s on the same page. I think this is why it’s sometimes said women want someone to listen whereas men want to solve the issue. I cannot understand not trying to solve the issue. If I think I was right or logical then I want to explain it but I also want to hear the other party and arrive at a middle ground then hug. That never works and I cannot get it.
It seems to me that you’re very focused on the end result of ‘issue is solved’ potentially without understanding and/or acknowledgement of the other person’s efforts to solve the issue on their own.
Of course they should take the time to reciprocate when you’re the one seeking resolution.
Listening to someone and allowing them time to vent to their own conclusion is to take part of their emotional journey. They may want your solutions eventually, but they want to have the human connection of going through that journey together so that way you have all the context for their feelings/stress.
People don’t come to others for help and want to defend their previous actions. They just want to say that they’re frustrated, this is what they did, this is what happened, and maybe that’s all they want. Listening = validation of the human experience. Maybe after venting, they’ll want some solutions.
Personally I have a hard time telling if someone wants a venting session or a solutions session. So I just straight up ask what they need and if they’ll want to check in on the solutions after venting. This saves you the emotional labor required to try to help someone that doesn’t want it and keeps the chance of frustration/unfulfillment low for both parties
Family though is a mixed bag. Unless both parties are operating under the same expectations, it’ll lead to what you described. Understandable that you just don’t get it since the fault is not on you
Thanks for responding!
I guess I am focused on the issue being solved but only for everyone.
This is insightful!
That’s a great method. I guess I can’t tell as well.
Yeah family can sometimes be the hardest especially when emotions are high, no one acts with reason.
In some of those situations, you can “solve” what you think is the problem, but it’s impossible for her to explain the aspects that make your “solution” inadequate. Your life experience is just so different, you think you understand but you don’t. And that just upsets her more. Women aren’t against solutions, they’re just done with men not actually understanding, even when they think they’re listening.
Thanks for your reply. What is the solution then beyond listening and trying to solve the issue? If I cannot experience what they experience, what can be done?
It starts with acknowledging to them that you’re beginning to realize that your view of reality is different, shaped by your experience, and you can’t viscerally understand theirs, but you want to try. That the burden of explanation shouldn’t be on them, but you appreciate when they are willing to do so. This part should initially be done when you’re not in the middle of arguing/discussing. But in your own mind you should return to it when you are, and ask yourself, and then her, “what am I missing or misunderstanding, what context am I not seeing to help me better hear what she’s saying?”
And if she gives up, doesn’t want your solution, realize that your empathy may be all the solution she’s looking for from you. Especially if it’s something external, like a problem with her boss. You telling her what you think she should do about it would just add pressure on her, and probably wouldn’t fit with all the nuances of their dynamic. (Just an example) Instead, reminding her you have faith in her strength and intelligence will help her respond in ways that feel right to her, even if it’s not how you would have handled it.