I’ve always had a lot of friends who are women, but the ones who were in my “league” or higher almost all eventually asked why I never hit on them, or blatantly hit on me. It was a weird mix of them being upset I hadn’t like it was a judgement on their attractiveness, and being frustrated because they thought it was an eventuality and were tired of waiting.
But, humans are pattern recognition machines, we don’t even realize we’re doing it most of the time.
Especially for a very attractive woman in her 20s, if a guy is interacting with her, it’s likely because they want sex.
So you can’t fault them for the assumption, but then when they run into a guy that legit is cool just being platonic friends, they tend to pursue a relationship because they see that as a desirable trait. Even just for a FWB thing, you’ve shown that you’re “safe” and it can become a conquest thing as well because they’re not used to the rejection of not being pursued and want the ego boost of changing your mind.
There’s just an absolute shit ton going on, so it’s hard to judge anyone because their life experiences are why they hold their current beliefs.
As a trans woman who came out the other side… well there’s no modest way to put it- pretty damn attractive I’m told, I never understood why women just assume guys are hitting on them until I lived it.
I don’t even do it on purpose. It’s just that the vast, vast majority of the time, guys are trying to hit on me, and my brain has connected the “guy talking to me” neuron and the “guy hitting on me” neuron so tightly that it doesn’t even occur to me that they might not be unless they prove it through extended interactions, usually over years, of never showing any interest.
And yeah, I’ve definitely fallen for people largely because they simply hadn’t shown any signs of being into me. You’re right that there is an immense sense of safety in knowing they’ve never tried to get in my pants. Unfortunately, that also means, 99% of the time, that they’re gonna say no if I ask them out (I generally prefer to make the first move because it feels safer.)
For the sake of example and because it’s relevant to the thread, I asked a dude out who’d shown no interest, and it turned out he was actually attracted to me, but wasn’t interested because he’d been heavily abused in a past relationship and he wasn’t ever willing to give it another shot.
And on that subject, having life experience as both a man and a woman really does open your mind to how differently abuse is treated between men and women. I was heavily abused as a kid, both by men and women, and telling the story before I transitioned, people always desperately searched for a reason it was my fault (even though I was a kid at the time it happened) and when they couldn’t find one, spouted lines like “at least you’re stronger for it.”
As a woman, people, not having knowledge that I wasn’t always a woman, immediately recognize how horrible my abuse was, zero attempts to justify it, and hell, even direct me to support groups (albiet I’ve attended said groups before and they’re fucking useless trauma feedback circles in my experience.)
Well, that turned into a half irrelevant rant, but it’s nice to have some of that off my chest.
With your last comment there, you’re like 1 step away from “nobody can ever be blamed for their actions because they are all just meat and chemical automatons on a deterministic path”. I mean, we are. But society can’t work that way.
You literally said its hard to judge anyone. I said that’s one step away from impossible to judge anyone, and life can’t work that way. Where is the fallacy?
I’ve always had a lot of friends who are women, but the ones who were in my “league” or higher almost all eventually asked why I never hit on them, or blatantly hit on me. It was a weird mix of them being upset I hadn’t like it was a judgement on their attractiveness, and being frustrated because they thought it was an eventuality and were tired of waiting.
But, humans are pattern recognition machines, we don’t even realize we’re doing it most of the time.
Especially for a very attractive woman in her 20s, if a guy is interacting with her, it’s likely because they want sex.
So you can’t fault them for the assumption, but then when they run into a guy that legit is cool just being platonic friends, they tend to pursue a relationship because they see that as a desirable trait. Even just for a FWB thing, you’ve shown that you’re “safe” and it can become a conquest thing as well because they’re not used to the rejection of not being pursued and want the ego boost of changing your mind.
There’s just an absolute shit ton going on, so it’s hard to judge anyone because their life experiences are why they hold their current beliefs.
As a trans woman who came out the other side… well there’s no modest way to put it- pretty damn attractive I’m told, I never understood why women just assume guys are hitting on them until I lived it.
I don’t even do it on purpose. It’s just that the vast, vast majority of the time, guys are trying to hit on me, and my brain has connected the “guy talking to me” neuron and the “guy hitting on me” neuron so tightly that it doesn’t even occur to me that they might not be unless they prove it through extended interactions, usually over years, of never showing any interest.
And yeah, I’ve definitely fallen for people largely because they simply hadn’t shown any signs of being into me. You’re right that there is an immense sense of safety in knowing they’ve never tried to get in my pants. Unfortunately, that also means, 99% of the time, that they’re gonna say no if I ask them out (I generally prefer to make the first move because it feels safer.)
For the sake of example and because it’s relevant to the thread, I asked a dude out who’d shown no interest, and it turned out he was actually attracted to me, but wasn’t interested because he’d been heavily abused in a past relationship and he wasn’t ever willing to give it another shot.
And on that subject, having life experience as both a man and a woman really does open your mind to how differently abuse is treated between men and women. I was heavily abused as a kid, both by men and women, and telling the story before I transitioned, people always desperately searched for a reason it was my fault (even though I was a kid at the time it happened) and when they couldn’t find one, spouted lines like “at least you’re stronger for it.”
As a woman, people, not having knowledge that I wasn’t always a woman, immediately recognize how horrible my abuse was, zero attempts to justify it, and hell, even direct me to support groups (albiet I’ve attended said groups before and they’re fucking useless trauma feedback circles in my experience.)
Well, that turned into a half irrelevant rant, but it’s nice to have some of that off my chest.
With your last comment there, you’re like 1 step away from “nobody can ever be blamed for their actions because they are all just meat and chemical automatons on a deterministic path”. I mean, we are. But society can’t work that way.
Nope, not even a little bit.
I thought people gave up on “slippery slope” when after gay marriage happened cats didn’t start marrying dogs…
What made you pick up that logical fallacy so long after even the dumbest have given it up?
Did you stick with it the whole time, or are you trying to bring it back now?
You literally said its hard to judge anyone. I said that’s one step away from impossible to judge anyone, and life can’t work that way. Where is the fallacy?
Also, you need therapy.