I still want to die and I feel like my friends who wanted me to get help are better off without me. Today I was sitting on the couch venting about some car related stuff, than how I was anxious about not getting a job in our new city, than without warning everyone leaves I feel like they got tired of me venting and just left. If I ask they will deny it but I know I’m a burden and I really wouldn’t blame them if they kicked me out if I went to the phycward and lost job. I feel like they don’t want me to die but also don’t know they are better off without me and I’m mentally abusive cause I vent and I tire people out but no one can say anything cause I’m suicidal.
As someone else also going through depression, your anxiety demon telling you all this is just an overreaction. When you have anxiety, your brain is always looking for threats and magnifying them. If you’re thinking “dies this make me abusive?” That’s usually a good sign that you have the compassion required to not be.
If you have the means to do so, I would recommend therapy. It’s a good place to talk about your worries in an environment where you aren’t worried about burdening friends.