ROANOKE, VA—Local claims adjuster David Seaborne, a devoted husband and father of three, died Tuesday at the age of 37 following a long and painful personal battle with a 512-pound eastern lowland gorilla.
This is one of the best Onion articles ever. Read the whole thing.
It was also basically a “news” article version of an SNL mock ad from the 70s about a 3-bladed razor with the tagline, “because you’ll buy anything.”