This is one of the best Onion articles ever. Read the whole thing.
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Should have found a common enemy like I did, me and my gorilla are good friends now, I was one of his groomsmen at his 4th wedding, good bloke.
His name? Norm Macdonald.
“According to the foundation’s website, the growing problem affects one in every 29 million Americans, and one in every 80 Congolese.”
Fucking lol
I dunno, i am very partial to this one
https://theonion.com/it-is-journalism-s-sacred-duty-to-endanger-the-lives-of-1850126997/
For more evidence of our time-honored journalistic commitment to endangering lives, please see our previous coverage of gay people, immigrants, Black people, and women.
Signed by the whole editorial board
I said one of the best, not the best. There are other terrific ones too like https://theonion.com/why-do-all-these-homosexuals-keep-sucking-my-cock-1819583529/
My personal all time favorite is this one: https://theonion.com/general-motors-introduces-new-instant-win-airbags-1819564102/
Fuck this one was funny
https://theonion.com/fuck-everything-were-doing-five-blades-1819584036/
That one, for me, although I also note that 5 blade razors are now a thing…
But you know what happened next? Shut up, I’m telling you what happened—the bastards went to four blades. Now we’re standing around with our cocks in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we’re the chumps. Well, fuck it. We’re going to five blades.
Legit LOLed at this bit:
“I noticed that David had lost a lot of weight over the past couple of months, especially when he came in with his arm torn off,” fellow claims adjuster Kevin Delano said.
the growing problem affects one in every 29 million Americans, and one in every 80 Congolese
Fantastic
Also, anyone notice that this took place in Roanoke, VA? Where they’re especially known for gorilla attacks?
General Electric used to have a big factory in Roanoke, so I’m guessing the gorillas are a result of industrial pollution from some sort of superfund site that has yet to be cleaned up.
G.E. Corporation = Gorilla Experimentation Corporation.
Wake up sheeple!
Gorilla infestations again!
Well, what I want to know is, who TF is downvoting The Onion?!?
Maybe people who don’t like “wait for it”, “read the whole thing”, or “watch to the end”.
Don’t tell me to do it, tell me why I should do it.
People are probably downvoting it because I posted it. 🙄
Some very pathetic person goes through my history regularly and downvotes everything.
Well I see you post regularly, and am always grateful for the white-hot memes, shitpost, and factoids! Ty you flying horror. Seriously though squids are gross.
You’re welcome and we are not!
Probably a squid that’s very jealous about your flying ability
Gliding Squid is a vindictive person
Makes sense. Water-based assholes.
On reddit I used to downvote a popular poster because they were dominating the space. Not sure that was the right thing to do but don’t take it personal, just keep on doing your thing.
I don’t take it personally, I think whoever is doing it is very silly.
Silly?!
That’s so sad! I had no idea he was fighting Gorilla! Thoughts and prayers.
I’m sending healing vibes.
Wow, this one brought back memories. I think at the time I considered having a David Seaborne Foundation Fun-Run for the Cure t-shirt made.
I don’t get it, is it just funny because gorilla or is there a correlation to some illness?
This is every cancer victim news story (at least in the US), just with gorilla-related stuff substituted in.
Mike Tyson: NOOOO, IT SHOULD’VE BEEN ME, NOT HIM!
Why didn’t he just shoot the gorilla? Is he stupid?
This is why America needs universal animal control
Like Obamakill.
Don’t victim-blame. Someone you love could be afflicted with the heartbreak of gorilla attacks.
Gorillas are not stupid.
Ive never seen one teaching class
With what? and where? A silverback gorilla is no joke, David would need a shotgun and a will of steel to properly aim and fire at a 400lb monster trying to kill him.
