There has been a warning issued for your district, Tom Brady has been sighted. Keep your doors locked and your cups covered.

If Tom Brady knocks on your door, above all: Don’t reply. Don’t make a sound. Don’t cry, weep or even sweat. Hide, and pray, for he can sense any fluids on your skin.

We’d like to issue a correction. In our previous story, we’ve stated that Tom Brady can sense fluids on the outside of a person. We’ve received confirmation that Tom Brady has now developed the ability to sense them on the inside as well. May God have mercy on us all, for Tom Brady has none.