So I started talking to this guy in November. I really like him and he says the same. We are long distance of 7 hours so it’s not so so bad and we see each other here and there when he’s down here for work. Anyways… lately I’ve been feeling self - conscious and scared of him being bored / abandoning me. I had a bad past with my ex (he would compare me to other girls towards the end of our relationship and tell me he’s watching twerking lives to my face). And I’ve had anxious detachment relationships with my dad as we used to fight and not talk a lot so these feelings stem from trauma.
Anyways long story short. I obviously looked through his following. Nothing bad. He was following this one Instagram famous girl who post like thirst pics and whatever (boobs popping out, tongue out, etc) super gorgeous but the photos know what they r doing lol. Anyways, she was live and I joined and I said haha my man follows you. Take in, he liked her picture 2 days ago and it upset me because I don’t look anything like her and he wasn’t even liking my own stories. How do I have other men liking my stories but not him?! Lol. Anyways, I told her that she’s like oh eww girl lemme block him for you. I was surprised and I’m like sure lol. I told her if she can just remove him from her followers list and she did. She and her other viewers were telling me to see if he follows her back because then he’s noticing it. I feel so toxic that I’ve done this and so grossed out from myself. Oh btw, she said he would always text her and send her memes and say she looks good. But she said the last time he did that was November which is when we started talking so it’s fine I guess. But I don’t follow any men who post stuff like that so I found it so annoying that he liked the picture when it should’ve reminded him to unfollow her lol. Maybe I’m just mentally ill.
We also haven’t been talking as much the last couple days because when I found out I felt so gross and then I broke down to him (I didn’t tell him) about how I’m scared of the future and what will happen (I’m seeing him in two days and he said we will talk about it in person) but not texting all day until night (work stuff for him lol) is taking a toll of me . But it’s only temporarily as he’s down here for work but whatever. I get people have lives.
I just feel like I give so much of myself and my happiness, even faking it all the time, to not feel it in return. It feels like men r so interested at first but then they think ur so wrapped around their finger that they can start showing u less attention.
But he is a great guy and he hasn’t done anything wrong except that unless im just crazy. But he does treat me good. I might’ve got too vulnerable with him, he got me flowers and I cried like…. And when he told me to my eyes how much he loves spending time with me and it makes him happy i cried too because im not used to those things and hearing those words. Maybe that was a mistake
I know. I watch porn too. Idk why but the thought of him getting off to other women or whatever makes me physically ill. Like thinking about it makes me want to throw up. Ughhhhh
Sorry, not going to monce words: That’s hypocritical as fuck. You can ask him to keep it private (off instagram or other social media), but you get off to other men too.
How would you feel if he told you that made him sick to his stomach?
You can’t just handwave this away as “lol idk why I feel this way, but it’s his problem to deal with!” No. Stop. Bad. Don’t make me get the spray bottle or the rolled up newspaper.
This is something about yourself and your own feelings that you need to sort out, for yourself. I don’t mean “just get over it, lol”. I mean that you need to figure out why you feel this way. If you bring it up to him, you need to have specific actions he can take to assuage your feelings. You need to decide how important this is to you, and accept that it may be a dealbreaker for you or for him. And most of all, you can’t be a hypocrite about whatever you ask of him.
So far, he’s not done anything disrespectful to you, because you haven’t communicated your wants about this to him. I would feel uncomfortable about hearing that my partner was DM’ing a thirst catcher especially while dating, but as you say: he stopped when you two got together.
Honestly, it sounds like you’ve got a lot of yourself to sort out for yourself. Don’t feel bad about it, that’s super normal for your age especially, and normal for almost any age. Figuring out why you feel certain ways, deciding if it’s reasonable or not, if things are a want or a need. But try to work on figuring yourself out for your sake. It’s a lot easier to have a relationship when you know yourself well, your own problems, and your own needs.