Hey all, I hope you’re doing well.

So I’m having a pretty tough day today. I’m 25 and decided I wanted to try to date again so I put on my hinge profile that I have chronic pain and can answer any questions. I had a date last weekend and was supposed to have another one today but backed out.

The reason I backed out is because I don’t know what the outlook on my life is right now. I don’t have muscle inflammation per blood test but prednisone was absolutely amazing to me so that means it has to be inflammation of my nerves or something else and that isn’t really good. I’m getting a spinal tap Tuesday.

I feel so guilty even trying attempting to get in a relationship. Like even if she is okay with what’s going on with me, I realized I’m not okay with allowing someone else to have to deal with my situation. Especially since I don’t have a diagnoses currently and I would hate myself if I found my ‘soulmate’ to just then find out I only have 5 years left, especially to someone that is my age.

I’ve always tried to look at the positive side but the only angle I’ve been looking at is the fact there is potential of being able to live a healthy life being on prednisone, immunosuppressants, immunoglobulin IVs, or something like that.

When considering bringing someone else that would be significant in my life in I have to look at it from the perspective that I’ve been ignoring. That it’s possible I could end up wheel chair bound, or find out I likely only have X years. It morally feels wrong for me to go on dates.

This is the perspective I’ve been ignoring and thinking about it yesterday and today has taken a toll. I’m pretty lonely, I would love to have a SO but I just can’t. It sucks too cause I moved here a year ago and was making friends then lost all of them besides 1 throughout this.

Even ignoring the diagnoses part I still feel guilty trying to get in a relationship due to how limited I am cause of my pain. My whole life I played sports, hiked, biked, camped, did whatever physical or fun activity I could and always stayed fit. Here I am now barely able to do anything. Even on all my pain meds. The guy is the one whose supposed to be able to protect and this and that. How am I even supposed to do that? I wish I could get therapy here because I do need it but I work remote and my work insurance doesn’t cover out of state therapy.

I don’t even know if I’m looking for tips or just hearing others stories if they can relate. Just been a really rough day. I think I just finally broke down because I’ve been super strong through this and haven’t let this get me down but when it comes to having a SO which I want, I’ve been ignoring that this whole times because I know it forces me to think of this stuff. It’s so much easier going through it alone than with someone by my side and seeing me like this. Less people to disappoint