Hey, so… I may be in this situation soon, and I may just be in over my head here, but I’m a sucker who really couldn’t say no to this.
This kid took care of his grandmother as she deteriorated and finally died. He was there when it happened. She had a degenerative disease and the kid’s mom left him with her so she could “babysit” him, when in reality, this kid was the only one looking after her. His parent is a working single mom, so it’s really not her fault, but, like… damn.
The kid is 8 years old.
Kid’s dad is just gone. Disappeared. Has been since he was tiny.
He sometimes is watched over by his aunt, but she & the nieces just literally ignore him. He says that he just sat quietly on the couch for days. They fed him and whatever, but that family has their own batshit fuckery going on. Not mentally stable, tbh. The aunt is very hostile and I think he is scared of her.
He’s one of my in-law’s kids (whom I don’t even know well), but, like… holy shit. He and his mom now live in the deceased grandmother’s house, but she now has no one to watch over him. He has been going to work with her and being told to sit quietly and do not much else. They’re now almost an hour away from his school, so he may lose that part of his stability, too.
Again… he’s 8. And holy shit, kid barely talks. He’s so well-behaved and meek, it actually alarms me greatly. He used to hang out with my brother’s kids, but my brother moved out of state. He came back this week and was asked to watch over the kid while he and his kids were in town. This is when I’ve most recently reconnected with the kid, but I’ve met him before when my brother was still in town.
I have room in my home. I’m a single parent, too, but I’m fortunate to work from home and have a kid who’s 12 who could hang out, play video games with him, take him to the park, and whatever. I’m close to his school. I don’t have much right now, but, like… fuck, I want to give this kid a good, loving space, stability, and get him into therapy, for fucks sake.
I don’t give a shit about what your opinion of the mom is. I met her like twice. I also don’t plan to adopt this kid or anything (unless it really comes to that but that’s not a thing right now since he obviously has a parent), but I just need advice on how I should navigate this.
Medical needs? Can I get him into therapy without trouble? Will I need the parent’s permission? What should I ask her for? I’m not sure she’d be okay giving me his documents if this is temporary, but FUCK there’s a lot to do. I want to do something right for this kid.
Help? Please?
Why don’t you offer to start by ‘baby sitting’ the child while the mother is at work. That might eventually extend to sleep overs.
I agree with the comment about medical care and therapy. Like it or not, she’s still his mother and would probably see any offer in this direction as meddling or judgemental and close the door completely.
She’s basically desperate to get someone to watch this kid. We’re just a few blocks away from his aunt’s house, too, so maybe that will help.
To be clear: I’m not asking her to hand over her kid– she’s willingly offering him up to people (she knows) who will take him. Since my brother vouched for me + he & his kids spent the most time watching the kid in the past, his recommendation of me might make me the best candidate here.
I’ll do my best not to meddle, that’s good to keep in mind! But I do want to at least push for therapy. I’ll pay for it myself, if it comes down to that, as long as she approves.
As Bobert said elsewhere in these comments, there is a massive mental health benefit to having any adult at all who provides the child with presence and emotional support.
To add to that, I have received treatment from numerous therapists. And I have seen siblings and friends receive treatment as well. From my experience – and I might get some flak for this advice – even though a good therapist is better than no therapist, a bad therapist can actually be harmful. Your little pal will easily get more out of a well-intentioned friend than he would get if he wound up placed with a mediocre therapist. It’s the unfortunate state of mental healthcare in this country.
Ten years from now, if he’s eighteen and still in your life and starts asking for monetary assistance to pay for therapy? Great. Pay for his therapy. (Also make absolutely sure he keeps shopping around until he finds a therapist who really clicks with him. For the above reason, you know? The odds of him getting a great one on the first spin aren’t high.)
But until then: there’s a good chance he’s missing very little. And a very good chance there’s nothing to feel bad about if you can’t get this little guy into therapy. There are more surefire ways of improving his outcome.
So, like the other commenters said: offer the mom help. You noted that she’s guaranteed to dump him on you for long stretches of time.
Also, offer to pay for his phone plan. (Like another commenter said, phrase all offers as a benefit to her.) If she agrees, put yourself in his contacts, let him know he can always call you, and try to make sure he knows the number “988” and never feels too shy to reach out to that number.