I think this is meant to be “in extreme.” Consent should be respected. If your partner’s love language is touch, you may need to redirect to things you are ok with, rather than constant hard shutdowns of ‘no.’
Also like I’ve been with hubs for years even before making it legally binding and at a certain point 90% of your communication / negotiation is nonverbal with a 10% verbal clarification for when it’s insufficient. Like we’ll mutually get pushy / use the other if we’re horny enough just because we’ve been together long enough that we recognize that sometimes the other person just really needs it at that time to feel loved or they need physical release or they’re just too damn horny even if you’re not feeling it right that second. (Mutually enjoyable experiences are very possible but usually take a few days of planning, especially to sync up our refractory periods to increase the chance of both orgasming in the sweet spot between slowly and quickly enough, more if we’re planning on incorporating an by specific kinks).
There’s still space to say no if you’re really just sick / hurt / tired / overstimulated but at this point the default setting for both of us is “yeah go ahead just use lube” / understanding that it’s on the initiator to put in the effort to receive an adequate physiological response. And you accidentally overstep sometimes but it’s pretty minor and non traumatic when it’s rare and you’re both able to look at it from the perspective of an honest mistake. Sometimes your partner steps on your toes or runs into you around a corner too and it’s not a Problem unless you’re in a shitty relationship with an ongoing unidirectional lack of effort towards preventing hurtful events.
I think this is what a lot of older couples are describing who are in what would otherwise be considered a healthy and loving relationship by modern standards but where (usually the woman) states that she considers satisfying her husband’s appetites to be an obligation of their marriage. I take issue with it being unidirectional (historical perspectives on women’s sex drive is a whole other convo) and think they’re lacking the emotional intelligence / language to describe the level of nonverbal communication they’re actually doing, but I think what they’re actually describing is just that they’ve been together so damn long that that communication has become largely nonverbal and following loose but long-standing emotional / relationship contracts. That lack of context makes for shitty advice because you can’t just start a relationship there, that’s a negotiation that doesn’t really get settled until years or sometimes even decades in (also the thing about bidirectionality and gender equality).
TLDR; after enough years and in a communicative enough relationship you don’t need verbal / explicit y/n as frequently.
I think this is meant to be “in extreme.” Consent should be respected. If your partner’s love language is touch, you may need to redirect to things you are ok with, rather than constant hard shutdowns of ‘no.’
Also like I’ve been with hubs for years even before making it legally binding and at a certain point 90% of your communication / negotiation is nonverbal with a 10% verbal clarification for when it’s insufficient. Like we’ll mutually get pushy / use the other if we’re horny enough just because we’ve been together long enough that we recognize that sometimes the other person just really needs it at that time to feel loved or they need physical release or they’re just too damn horny even if you’re not feeling it right that second. (Mutually enjoyable experiences are very possible but usually take a few days of planning, especially to sync up our refractory periods to increase the chance of both orgasming in the sweet spot between slowly and quickly enough, more if we’re planning on incorporating an by specific kinks).
There’s still space to say no if you’re really just sick / hurt / tired / overstimulated but at this point the default setting for both of us is “yeah go ahead just use lube” / understanding that it’s on the initiator to put in the effort to receive an adequate physiological response. And you accidentally overstep sometimes but it’s pretty minor and non traumatic when it’s rare and you’re both able to look at it from the perspective of an honest mistake. Sometimes your partner steps on your toes or runs into you around a corner too and it’s not a Problem unless you’re in a shitty relationship with an ongoing unidirectional lack of effort towards preventing hurtful events.
I think this is what a lot of older couples are describing who are in what would otherwise be considered a healthy and loving relationship by modern standards but where (usually the woman) states that she considers satisfying her husband’s appetites to be an obligation of their marriage. I take issue with it being unidirectional (historical perspectives on women’s sex drive is a whole other convo) and think they’re lacking the emotional intelligence / language to describe the level of nonverbal communication they’re actually doing, but I think what they’re actually describing is just that they’ve been together so damn long that that communication has become largely nonverbal and following loose but long-standing emotional / relationship contracts. That lack of context makes for shitty advice because you can’t just start a relationship there, that’s a negotiation that doesn’t really get settled until years or sometimes even decades in (also the thing about bidirectionality and gender equality).
TLDR; after enough years and in a communicative enough relationship you don’t need verbal / explicit y/n as frequently.