So, for a while, I (22F) only devoted (romantically) time and attention to Aiko (23F), my fiancée, as I have been dating her since I was 18 and I was monogamous for so long as I hadn’t met the right one. When I came to the USA and started to live with my parents near my friend Beth, I met this guy she knew since high school, Will, and we really clicked.
Will (23NB, [he/they so you don’t think I’m gendering him wrong]) is very hung up on this guy. We have been dating for like almost 4 months while he has been dating this new guy, Dave (26M), for about 2. They have sleepovers together, play video games, and all that stuff, but when I ask if he wants to sleep over or hang out, he will once in a blue moon. usually he barely answers my texts and is busy with Dave. He especially has been spending more attention on him due to Dave’s depression and his failure to respond to his text messages, making him cry so he’s been worried about him.
I get that, but even when he’s not worried and even when it’s been a while since they started dating, even when we started dating and stopped being just friends, he stopped responding. I tried texting him and he was like “Oh, I’m sorry” and continued.
has anyone else been in the same boat?
I’m confused as to what exactly the problem is.
The problem with polyamory is that you can set whatever rules you want for your relationship. So if you haven’t explicitly set any rules, then there are none.
So, have you established any boundaries that he is violating? Do you feel like he is intentionally treating you badly? How are you feeling? Envious of the attention he is giving the other guy? Lonely because you feel like he isn’t spending enough time with you? Horny because he isn’t nailing you enough? What you need to do is figure these things out and explicitly communicate them with him.
If he pushes back against your communication or otherwise avoids engaging, then you might consider breaking things off.
If he comes back and says he has stronger feelings and more interest in the other guy, you should accept that and figure out how you feel about being a secondary to him.
If he comes back and apologizes and says he didn’t mean to and he’ll be better in the future, and then doesn’t change, then it is fairly safe to assume this will be a consistent pattern into the future. You can then choose your actions accordingly.
Or maybe he’ll apologize and change his behavior and then your problem is solved.
Good point. We don’t really communicate about most things and he just assumes everything is fine, probably because I haven’t said anything beyond that, but he does say I help him a lot and I’m fine being a side partner as long as we continue dating.
Communication is the most important thing in any relationship, and it’s even more important in poly/open relationships because there are more people. So in a three person relationship that’s 3 pairs of people who need to talk. In four it’s 6 pairs. It’s always easier said than done, and it always sounds cheesy to say, but yes, communication is super important.
Thank you, you’re right