My BF (35M) and I (35F) met 3 years ago and were almost instantly, madly in love. We had a great 6 months where he was all the usual things.
Lockdown relaxed more and suddenly he’d almost always be in the pub if not with me. He started a new (high stress, high risk) job and I got quickly de-prioritised as the pub was closer to him than my apartment. With my discontent growing he asked me to move in with him as a gesture of his commitment, but his pub visits quickly escalated and any free time at home was napping to go back out to the pub a second time, or just passing out. Conversations were had, justifications were made… But in August 2022, I hit catastrophic burnout due to a number of factors, and he was no where to be seen. I found him passed out on the flooring after a night of drinking and took his phone - found out he blamed me for his unhappiness and his friends were encouraging him to go after a co-worker instead.
We separated for a while. He took a number of steps to address his behaviour, reduced drinking, got a new job, sought help for his mental health etc. and we reconciled a few months later. I have been much more open about my feelings, needs, and expectations. But now once again, he doesn’t feel present in our relationship at all. I have given him as much time, space, compassion and love as I can, but I’ve become emotionally spent and it’s [finally] become clear I cannot rely on this person to support me.
I’ve initiated a number of conversations about this in the last couple of months. I’ve recommended ways we can work on our relationship, and I’ve been supportive of his intentions to try new things to reduce his reliance on alcohol (he’s not actually pursued any of these yet). I’ve also questioned whether this relationship is right for him (he insists so). But… He’s stopped his medication, he again frequently heads to the pub straight after work, and there is no intimacy or desire at all.
This week I told him I’d started to mourn our relationship (I’d explained this to him previously and that mourning usually is the point of no return). He didn’t say anything for a while, and eventually I had to prompt him to get ready for work. We haven’t spoken about it since, as he’s having an extremely miserable time at work right now, there’s a bunch of awful family stuff happening, and I don’t know how to bring it up without mentally overwhelming him.
The breakup will bring extreme financial hardship to both of us (I can afford rent alone, but barely). I’m also concerned he’ll escalate his drinking again, or that he’ll hurt himself (unintentionally through the drink). He’s been insistent through our conversations that he loves me and that I am enough. I feel like I’m trying to shield and protect him from further mental anguish even now, even while I cry myself to sleep at night when the loneliness consumes me. I’m still here coddling him while I break apart.
How do I do this? How can I find the ‘right’ time? I’m terrified and heart broken.
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Some things to note: I’m also having an awful time at work, I do 80% of the domestic labour, and I am chronically ill. I’ve been in therapy since January to unpick my belief that the happiness of others always supercedes my own. I’m in pain and I see him in distress and don’t know how to balance “everyone deserves love and support when they are struggling” with “you have not supported me and I cannot dedicate any further time and energy on you”, because to me the latter seems transactional (again, trying to undo this!). I’m just so tired.
Transactional thought patterns are what we fall into when we cannot trust the people around us.
Our cultures and ways of life on Earth are not all the same. Our species can thrive (biologically speaking anyway, where survive and reproduce is all that is required) in all manner of surroundings.
Anyways, it’s not always inherently bad, it’s just an adaptation to being around too many untrustworthy people. So I think you should ask yourself, is this man genuinely trustworthy? If not, perhaps some transactional perspective would be an appropriate, healthy adaptation in this particular situation, when dealing with him in particular. For now, at least.
I have literally never thought about it like that. I’ve always kinda assumed that emotions as transactions are inherently bad (part of the reason I’m in therapy XD).
But honestly… No, I’m not sure I’ve believed him to be trustworthy for a while, because the evidence doesn’t point towards that (e.g. his lack of follow through on pretty much everything).
I appreciate the food for thought, and will examine this in myself more.
It’s a bad perspective because it can lock into place certain negative behaviors if you default to it too often, then once you’re around actually trustworthy people, (which some argue simply do not exist) it becomes a harmful mal-adaptation that gets in the way of them ever being able to trust you, ironically.
So, as a default it can cause you problems. But as a consciously-picked tool from your toolbox for certain situations and/or individuals, it can be appropriate.
One handy thing about it is it leaves very little wiggle room. It’s very simple for anyone to communicate, understand, interpret and implement. Where the alternatives all tend to be more complicated.