My BF (35M) and I (35F) met 3 years ago and were almost instantly, madly in love. We had a great 6 months where he was all the usual things.
Lockdown relaxed more and suddenly he’d almost always be in the pub if not with me. He started a new (high stress, high risk) job and I got quickly de-prioritised as the pub was closer to him than my apartment. With my discontent growing he asked me to move in with him as a gesture of his commitment, but his pub visits quickly escalated and any free time at home was napping to go back out to the pub a second time, or just passing out. Conversations were had, justifications were made… But in August 2022, I hit catastrophic burnout due to a number of factors, and he was no where to be seen. I found him passed out on the flooring after a night of drinking and took his phone - found out he blamed me for his unhappiness and his friends were encouraging him to go after a co-worker instead.
We separated for a while. He took a number of steps to address his behaviour, reduced drinking, got a new job, sought help for his mental health etc. and we reconciled a few months later. I have been much more open about my feelings, needs, and expectations. But now once again, he doesn’t feel present in our relationship at all. I have given him as much time, space, compassion and love as I can, but I’ve become emotionally spent and it’s [finally] become clear I cannot rely on this person to support me.
I’ve initiated a number of conversations about this in the last couple of months. I’ve recommended ways we can work on our relationship, and I’ve been supportive of his intentions to try new things to reduce his reliance on alcohol (he’s not actually pursued any of these yet). I’ve also questioned whether this relationship is right for him (he insists so). But… He’s stopped his medication, he again frequently heads to the pub straight after work, and there is no intimacy or desire at all.
This week I told him I’d started to mourn our relationship (I’d explained this to him previously and that mourning usually is the point of no return). He didn’t say anything for a while, and eventually I had to prompt him to get ready for work. We haven’t spoken about it since, as he’s having an extremely miserable time at work right now, there’s a bunch of awful family stuff happening, and I don’t know how to bring it up without mentally overwhelming him.
The breakup will bring extreme financial hardship to both of us (I can afford rent alone, but barely). I’m also concerned he’ll escalate his drinking again, or that he’ll hurt himself (unintentionally through the drink). He’s been insistent through our conversations that he loves me and that I am enough. I feel like I’m trying to shield and protect him from further mental anguish even now, even while I cry myself to sleep at night when the loneliness consumes me. I’m still here coddling him while I break apart.
How do I do this? How can I find the ‘right’ time? I’m terrified and heart broken.
__
Some things to note: I’m also having an awful time at work, I do 80% of the domestic labour, and I am chronically ill. I’ve been in therapy since January to unpick my belief that the happiness of others always supercedes my own. I’m in pain and I see him in distress and don’t know how to balance “everyone deserves love and support when they are struggling” with “you have not supported me and I cannot dedicate any further time and energy on you”, because to me the latter seems transactional (again, trying to undo this!). I’m just so tired.
A person who is freezing to death because they refused to put on a coat is in crisis, but that doesn’t make it your responsibility to light yourself on fire in order to keep them warm.
No matter what you choose to do, things are going to be difficult and awful for a little bit. But one path is going to lead to you eventually feeling a lot better, and the other path is going to have you marching around in circles and not really going anywhere at all. Your choice is whether to endure some really shitty times for things to get better, or to ensure some really shitty times for things to stay more or less exactly the same as they have been.
A person who is freezing to death because they refused to put on a coat is in crisis, but that doesn’t make it your responsibility to light yourself on fire in order to keep them warm.
So I guess the thing is that I made a choice to continue fighting, meanwhile he made a choice to essentially bury his head in the sand (both on our shared issues and his personal ones)?
I actually don’t think he’s consciously aware of it, but I guess that doesn’t matter. He still has a duty to stop and introspect (and actually listen to what I’ve been trying to tell him).
Thanks, appreciate the insight and input.
Everything you do is a choice on some level, and everything he does is a choice too. I guarantee you there have been times where he felt miserable and guilty going to the bar instead of coming home to you. Times where he wanted to open up to you the way you opened up to him. I’m sure those times ate at him and made him feel like a piece of shit or whatever.
And rather than just doing the things he knew would make himself and you feel better, he went to the bar instead. He failed to be emotionally available even after you told him your needs and that you felt neglected.
Whether he’s consciously aware of how that’s messing things up doesn’t really matter in the end. Cause is still preceding effect. But honestly, he almost certainly is aware, and continues to make choices that are hurting you.
You’re absolutely right I think. Ahaha, oh man that is awful. That simultaneously made me feel a lot better and also worse, but that’s it, that’s what I needed to hear.
You’re gonna be fine in the long run, I promise!
You can’t light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. You’re not this guy mother. You’re not his guardian. You’re not his care taker.
HE’S AN ALCOHOLIC!!!
In case that isn’t clear, he’s an alcoholic. He’s NOT going to just cut back on drinking. He’s not going to make minor changes to cut back. Someone that is that reliant, takes naps so he can go drink more, and passes out from alcohol isn’t a casual drinker who’s going to be able to do anything but stop drinking completely.
HE’S NOT GOING TO CHANGE. And as much as this hurt to be told, he’s definitely not going to change for YOU. Hell, he’s already told you that (not in words, but actions).
Regardless of what’s going on with his job, family, social life, mental health it’s NOT your responsibility. Your ONLY responsibility is to YOU. He’s in a relationship with the pub and his alcohol of choice, and you’re in a relationship with a problem.
I’m truly not trying to be as harsh as I know I sound. I’ve literally been in your shoes more than a few times. Both with romantic partners, parent, friends and family members. He has an addiction that you can’t solve. HE DOES NOT WANT TO GET BETTER. At least not based on what you typed here.
Please leave him. If he ruins his life that’s on him. Not you. Many manipulative people use suicide as a tool to keep loved ones around. Whether is conscious on their part or not. If you are legitimately concerned he will hurt himself, call your local authorities and tell them. They can deal with him.
Move on. Please. He’s only going to keep dragging you down. I promise that once you’re out of the fog of this you will be better off.
I’d also recommend therapy for you to understand why you’re still trying to make this relationship work. And why you made the choices you did, knowing what you did.
I’m really honestly not trying to be mean to you. I’m very sorry that it comes off that way. I just don’t know how to make my points any softer. Please. Please. Please. Leave him.
No don’t worry, I know you’re not trying to be mean. Honestly, there’s nothing quite like the input that internet strangers with limited context can give you, to make you step back and go “huh yeah that’s what I would think if I heard this”.
I know he’s an alcoholic. I’ve said as much to him many times before (he does not think he’s an alcoholic, and I’ve pointed out that of course he wouldn’t). I’ve also vocalised that I would like for him to seek help, but understand he won’t be able to do that until he acknowledges there’s a problem and is ready to address it.
But honestly reading your post has be realising that, while I can logically and rationally know that he is an alcoholic, I’ve not reconciled that with my emotional knowledge yet. I’ll bring that up with my therapist when I see them next, as acknowledging both my rational and emotional brain is something I struggle with.
If I dig deep, I think part of me does know that I’ve tacitly enabled it (partially through fear of not ‘winning’ over the choice of me or alcohol, partially because of social conditioning from the very unique area we live in essentially normalising it). And realistically yes, he will not change, because the pub is his “safe space” (I wish I was kidding but he’s actually said this).
I’ll reiterate. Please leave him.
You sound very smart, and like a person with the best intentions, but he’s dragging you down, in way I’m sure you haven’t even thought about yet.
The fact that he thinks a bar is his safe space (been there, done that) says everything you need to know.
I know it’s a cliche statement, but…. This man has told you who he is, believe him. He’s also shown you. Over and over and over and over.
I mean this in the nicest way possible. Please have more respect for yourself.
I also want to add, you’re not qualified to get him to stop drinking. There are plenty of highly educated, experienced addiction counselors/doctors/rehab facilities/etc, with collective centuries of experience, and they can’t make an addict/alcoholic not an addict/alcoholic. Not matter how much you want to fix him, you can’t, and I promise you will be the only one to suffer if you try.
Good luck!
You can’t stay in a bad relationship just because you’re worried about how a breakup affects the other person. It’s toxic and it’ll just perpetuate the cycle you’re stuck in. An end with pain is better than pain without end. It sounds like you’ve had multiple years of it not really working out, and that’s just getting dragged out even more. End it, move on, find happiness, you’re not his keeper.
There is no right time. Would you wait to cure cancer because it was inconvenient?
Sometimes you have to make hard choices with no good answers. But you also have to put yourself first.
From your explanation of the situation, your relationship sounds kind of toxic.
Maybe you’ll both feel better and better equipped to deal with your other stressors when you’re not also worried about each other anymore.
As far as the “I don’t want to leave because his drinking could get worse”: staying with someone because you think you’re the only thing holding their life together is kind of co-dependent and you’re probably over-valuing your contribution to his happiness. I’m sure you’re special to him, but you can’t control what he does once you leave — only he can control himself, and he’s an adult capable of making his own choices.
He is very similar to how I was in my 20s. The exception is my style of drinking was pretty different, but at the end of the day we were both alcoholics (a word you appear to be avoiding). All the love in my life didn’t prompt me to change.
What really did was to finally come to terms with my mortality and understanding that I was ruining my body.
At this point, it sounds like he will either die slowly with you or rapidly without you.
I personally think once the seed is planted, it just is. If he considered replacing you (note how I didn’t say leaving), I think he will likely do it again, even if he conquers his demons. I do believe there’s a chance you two could be happy together. That chance is probably very, very small. Is your life worth that gamble?
Seems really tough. You deserve to be happy!
I don’t think there will ever be a right time, and I don’t think you making yourself miserable until it’s convenient for others for you to be happy (sounds like a theme perhaps?) is a good way to live
Both of you having whatever therapy and support networks you can in place is good, but this sounds like it’ll be pretty difficult either way
I don’t think there will ever be a right time
That’s probably the most important point.
Sometimes you just need to rip the bandaid off, it might even be a wake up call for him.
It sounds like you’ve made the decision to leave. Can you call his parents and/or friends and share that your concern that he’s going to hurt himself? I would make all of your arrangements to leave and then make the call(s). If he is making threats to hurt himself, I would go ahead and call emergency services.
Just to clarify, I don’t believe he would threaten to hurt himself (in a “I’ll kill myself I’m so sad” sort of way). I think he’d unintentionally hurt himself via alcohol.
His family are very conservatively minded when it comes to mental health, very much “suck it up” and “it’s your own fault” and essentially “we don’t talk about our emotions because that’s uncomfortable”. Being subject to this attitude has very much resulted in the person he is now (which breaks my heart, but it was the same for me tbf). There’s also issues there in general right now, and they don’t have the capacity to support him.
I can hope his friends make an effort this time to support him, but I’m not optimistic. I can’t reach out to them, and anyway they’re of the opinion that he doesn’t have an issue (because they don’t see it). They’ll enable him as much as I already do.
It sounds like the best you can do is reach out and encourage the people around him to keep an eye out. They may continue to enable him, but there’s often a point in which even fellow addicts can see that someone is really suffering and needs help. You’ve also mentioned that you separated before, and he cleaned up, so that just might be the case again. Maybe you two really do need to separate permanently so that both of you can grow. Regardless, do what you can to help him, but your primary focus should be on your needs. Definitely talk through this with your therapist as well.
Transactional thought patterns are what we fall into when we cannot trust the people around us.
Our cultures and ways of life on Earth are not all the same. Our species can thrive (biologically speaking anyway, where survive and reproduce is all that is required) in all manner of surroundings.
Anyways, it’s not always inherently bad, it’s just an adaptation to being around too many untrustworthy people. So I think you should ask yourself, is this man genuinely trustworthy? If not, perhaps some transactional perspective would be an appropriate, healthy adaptation in this particular situation, when dealing with him in particular. For now, at least.
I have literally never thought about it like that. I’ve always kinda assumed that emotions as transactions are inherently bad (part of the reason I’m in therapy XD).
But honestly… No, I’m not sure I’ve believed him to be trustworthy for a while, because the evidence doesn’t point towards that (e.g. his lack of follow through on pretty much everything).
I appreciate the food for thought, and will examine this in myself more.
It’s a bad perspective because it can lock into place certain negative behaviors if you default to it too often, then once you’re around actually trustworthy people, (which some argue simply do not exist) it becomes a harmful mal-adaptation that gets in the way of them ever being able to trust you, ironically.
So, as a default it can cause you problems. But as a consciously-picked tool from your toolbox for certain situations and/or individuals, it can be appropriate.
One handy thing about it is it leaves very little wiggle room. It’s very simple for anyone to communicate, understand, interpret and implement. Where the alternatives all tend to be more complicated.
No matter when you do it, if he’s got substance abuse problems and mental health issues, chances are it will be bad for him, there will never be a good time, there might be a better time but chances are he won’t be feeling great after, no matter when it happens.
In the meantime you’re not feeling like you’re in a healthy relationship and you’re still thinking about him more than you are about your own good, but do you want to wait until you hit rock bottom just in case there’s a window of opportunity between now and that moment where you feel like he’s feeling good enough that it might possibly not be as bad for him?
You split once before and that’s when he got help, maybe that’s exactly what will happen if you separate again… Thing is, you tried twice, it didn’t work twice, I think you need a clean break, if you go then go and don’t look back. If you decide not to go then you need to have therapy together and separately, he needs to join AA…
It’s yours to decide if the relationship is important enough to try and salvage it again and remember, you can’t force that on him, maybe he doesn’t want it to be salvaged but he doesn’t have the courage to put an end to it because it would mean having to deal with real world stuff by himself (like domestic responsibilities) instead of having someone close that does it for him… We’re not in his head to know that, but if he’s doing everything he can to escape the relationship then clearly he’s not happy in it either, may be accept it or not (like it seems to be the case since you said he told you he loves you and that you’re enough for him).
End it, it is not your responsibility. You shouldn’t force yourself to stay in a relationship with someone because you feel guilty, sorry, or pity for them.
I’m a 35M alcoholic and I recognize the cycle you’re describing as nearly identical to what I went through. I’ve been sober for 5 years now but, when I was drinking and the people around me were hurting, I noticed that their attending Al-Anon meetings really, really helped them. Al-Anon is a support group of peope who share their experience related to the effects of problem drinkers in their lives.The folks at Al-Anon made my non-alcoholic wife (then girlfriend) feel less alone while going through what must have felt like an impossible situation. Al-Anon groups ask that you donate a dollar at each group session you attend, but attending them is free.
I learned some valuable lessons in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) that I still utilize to this day, although it’s been a few years since I’ve attended a meeting. It sounds like AA might be a good place for your boyfriend to visit once he decides he’s ready to try something different. But he doesn’t have to go to AA in order for you to visit an Al-Anon group.
Good luck and please remember to take care of yourself as you’re both going through this situation.
This is the correct answer, go to an Al-anon meeting. This upset you enough to make the post about it and you must be at your wits end. Don’t demand your BF go to AA, just start going to Al-Anon meetings on your own.
Thank you so much for sign posting me to this. There’s a meeting local to me on Monday and I’ll definitely be going along.
He’s not ready to acknowledge he’s an alcoholic (I’ve said I believe he is, he disagrees, I’ve said that doesn’t change that I believe he is, etc.). And I know you cannot change something you’re not ready to admit is real. I truly hope he manages to get the help he needs following this.
It’s good to take care of others and it’s fine to derive happiness from that. There’s always a limit though, so find that balance.
As far as the relationship, you won’t fix the alcoholism. He needs to recognize it and want to change. It seems like his desperate escape from life though, and that’s something you can’t take care of or fix. He must do this.
There will never be a perfect time to break things off. Yes, it’s easier when there are two people paying the bills, but you’ll adjust and succeed. Convenience it’s the basis of a room mate, not your mate. Don’t forget that your mental health is important too, and crying yourself to sleep isn’t a very positive indicator.
I wish you luck.
Sorry to hear that, you seem to be in a very tough situation.
I don’t have much advice unfortunately, I hope other people can help you more
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